emo=elmow/otheL
10-25-2005, 07:48 PM
This is really long, so I don't expect any crits. This is not meant to be serious. It is meant to be entertaining, so don't flame me because it's stupid. I already know that.
Here ya go...
Jimmy the Self-Hating Doppleganger
In a land ever so ordinary, and a time ever so vociferous
Jimmy the Doppleganger, brooded in abstemiousness
I hate myself and I want to die, was his unchanging cry
But to be mortified twice, well, it just won’t fly
(Not that he didn’t try)
You see Jimmy didn’t at all like himself, even when incarnate
He would jump in front of buses, only to be bruised, and somewhat downhearted
Later, he became what normal kids call “Goth,” he dressed all dark and scary
Kids would all point and stare until they caught Jimmy’s eye ever so hairy
And in an absurd attempt, to escape the apocryphal pain
Jimmy became ascetic, and razors friends became
(In an antiseptic way)
And so everyday after school, Jimmy would dig and think
“He said everyone’s beautiful inside, needs to see a shrink.”
Yes, Jimmy thought himself to be, quite the thinking man
But the truth of the matter is, he was also quite insane
So one day after school, during Odinistic rituals
Jimmy stopped to think, “Just what am I looking for?”
“There’s nothing beneath my skin but blood, and I’m getting rather bored with that>”
Jimmy had used it many times, to stain peoples clothes in laundromats
“There’s nothing for me outside my room, sunlight makes me wanna puke.”
He had in fact done this many times, mostly on other peoples shoes.
“It seems I have no purpose other than to be grotesque.”
Jimmy had this down to a science from bloody to burlesque
“And after life well, whats there to be afraid of.
Wisconsin can’t be all that bad, it least its colder than Jamaica.”
And so he wrote a goodbye note, quite a satirical piece
He ranted and rambled on and on, and signed it Mr. Jimmy
And then grabbed his Legos, duct tape tools and boards,
And built an Automated Suicide Machine, Patent Pending, ’94.
And so he strapped himself in and said goodbye to Mr. Fish
And then he pushed the button, but the machine didn’t work so instead he slit his wrists.
To say this was an odd experience, would be an understatement.
In delusion he saw his pet dog Muffy, who explained he’d been eaten by the monster in the basement.
But then the monster, a purple dragon named Vladimir, came and said
“YOU LIE! FOR YOUR SLANDER I WILL SUE, Jimmy you’re a witness you mustn’t die!”
Jimmy was quite alarmed at this, He just wanted to bleed to death.
“There must be some loophole, that I can use to secure some rest!”
And then he got a grand idea, it was rather ambitious
“But if it keeps me from Apparitional Court, then it’s worth the risk.”
And so he slipped into a trance, and did some neato tricks
He removed his soul from body and yet the body lived!
The body was rather vegeatative, quite the pale zombie
But his parents never noticed; they weren’t an attentive Dad and Mommy
And so through the marvel of Astral Projection ,self hating Jimmy became,
Jimmy the self hating Doppleganger, yes that was his brand new name.
For awhile everything went just so fine
Jimmy thought to himself, “I’ve never felt so alive!”
He’d float through walls, and look up girl’s skirts
The stuff that all dead people do (Ghost are big time pervs)
But after awhile, this grew dull
It was a malaise, if you will, a transcendental lull.
Once more he focused on himself, and hated what he saw
It was cool being ethereal but looking,
Up girls skirts was making him yawn
When that gets boring you have a problem, I’d just like to say
It just ain’t natural to not be perverted in every possible way.
Just thought I’d put that out there, wait, this is ruining the flow
And these lines, are just filler, to make a graceful save, so…
I hate myself and I want to die, was his unchanging cry
But to be mortified twice, well, it just won’t fly.
He tried to fly into the sun, he put himself in blenders
He even returned to his childhood hobby of being on the wrong end of fenders.
He tried to bake himself into a pie, but that didn’t work either.
He became extremely bitter and thought, “This is all ‘cause Muffy’s a liar!”
So he found Muffy and exacted his revenge,
He sold him to the ghostbusters, and that was just when,
Vladimir showed up, he was rather cheery
The court case had been going badly, the evidence was leery.
“Well now Muffy’s gone for good!” he said with an air of satisfaction
“You see, technically I kinda ate him, but only a small fraction.”
Jimmy turned in wild eyed rage, to the purple dragon,
“How dare you eat my only friend-my canine companion!”
And then Jimmy became rather Nordic, and pulled out a broadsword,
A legendary sword of lore, infused with the power of Thor
(Not available in stores.)
In his hands he held a sword, that had seen many battles
It had slain goblins, orcs and beasts, and a few disgruntled cattle.
“Defend yourself, ye demon beast!” cried Jimmy the viking
“Lest I take this sword in hand and cut off thy testes!”
And oh did Vladimir try, he tried really hard,
But his only defenses were bubbles, porn and yarn.
“What the hells the porn for?” Jimmy cried surprised.
“Death by masturbation is a silly way to die!”
“Uh, yeah…”said Vladimir, as he tucked the porn away
And an awkward silence hung over them, neither knowing what to say.
Then Vladimir said, “Uh, beware my bubbly wrath!”
And instead of flames out from his maw came bubbles and a half digested man.
“Help me!” the man cried, but Jimmy and Vladimir both said “SHUT UP!”
“Suck up the pain you pussy!” “You friggin’ suck!”
And when the adversaries turned to face each other again
They were dismayed to find amongst the bubbles, a horde of little children.
“I think they’re playing in the bubbles, how do we remove the horde?”
And Vladimir with an idea, once more pulled out his porn.
And then in event worthy of a stupid meandering poem unto itself
Vladimir took up his porn, and began to touch himself.
He worked and worked and popped Viagra, then worked and worked some more
He worked it harder then an aspiring $1000 a night whore.
Overhead thunder rolled, and the ground below rumbled
And then the children in their fear, did begin to stumble
Its really quite sad, they were so helpless,
Impersonating Harry Potter was there one supposed defense
And then one last lightning bolt struck, a nearby tree
And then the oddest thing happened-it began to scream
But that doesn’t matter, because just then Vladimir let out an orgasmic roar
A roar unlike any bellowed by a climaxin’ dragon before.
And then quite simply he creamed, all over the children
A few shrieks of horror and then, they were never seen again.
Then Vladimir turned to Jimmy and said “Where were we?”
But all Jimmy could think to say was “Dude. That’s ****ing disgusting.”
Vladimirs bubbles and porn didn’t work, and his wad was spent.
So it became apparent-the yarn was his last defense.
And so he began to play cat’s cradle, and he wrapped up poor Jimmy
Jimmy was bound up very tight and is said to have said, “Owie!”
And now it seemed Vladimir would win, Jimmy was in danger
For no real reason at all, his sword had turned into Hermione Granger.
Vladimir laughed at this, so hard he cried and bawled
But then Mrs. Granger began to speak, and had the ears of all…
But then a fateful event occurred while she was in midsentence,
Noone cares what she said, it was something about rules and tenets.
You see in midsentence she sneezed, in Vladimirs general direction
At first noone cared-but noone saw the infection.
You see dragons are ancient creatures, that haven’t evolved well
To cope with malignant organisms, consisting of just one cell.
Vladimir in on fell swoop caught cancer the cold, the clap!
He caught ADD, the screaming ****s and an annoying laugh!
He caught malaria, scarlet, yellow, green, spring and cabin fevers!
He caught influenza arthritis, and he even got all rhuemy!
He caught hepatitis A through Z, he got flesh-eating bacteria
He caught a nasty sort of bacne, and then a little diptheria!
The list goes ever on and on, too many to name
But just let it be known, that it will suffice to say…
Poor Vladimir, that big purple dragon
Died of jacking off induced, de-hy-dration!
Vladimir was dead, and so Jimmy was free
Then he asked Mrs. Granger, “How can I repay thee?”
She replied “That’s easy, I don’t ask a lot,
All’s I ask is for you to get on your knees, and give me a rimjob.”
There was a small moment of vertigo, as Jimmy processed what had been said
Then he asked, “Why do you ask that I give you a bit of feminine head?”
“Well, you see that bastard Ron, can’t keep me satisfied.
He always comes way too soon, and his supplies just run dry.”
“Oh,” said Jimmy in trepidation, “That’s what this is about.
Still you asking this of me, is odd, I have my doubts.”
“JUST SHUT UP AND LICK MY MUFF!” she cried, dropping all pretense,
And at the same time she also, dropped down her pants.
And so Jimmy got down on all fours, in front of young Hermione,
And proceeded to…yeah…you get the idea…
And so the deed was done, and Mrs. Granger went on her way.
And word has it she was never happier to the end of her days.
But all that just happens to be, just slightly pointless,
What is important though is what Jimmy got from this.
One can only surmise, Jimmy didn’t enjoy that day.
To this day he shudders, when he hears Mrs. Grangers name.
“I hate myself and I want to die,” is his unchanging cry
“I licked the muff, but I’m cursed with not being able to die
Because to be mortified twice, it just won’t fly,”
Yeah-he’s Jimmy the self-hating doppleganger, and he just. Won’t. Die.
-James B. Arroyo 9/28/05
Here ya go...
Jimmy the Self-Hating Doppleganger
In a land ever so ordinary, and a time ever so vociferous
Jimmy the Doppleganger, brooded in abstemiousness
I hate myself and I want to die, was his unchanging cry
But to be mortified twice, well, it just won’t fly
(Not that he didn’t try)
You see Jimmy didn’t at all like himself, even when incarnate
He would jump in front of buses, only to be bruised, and somewhat downhearted
Later, he became what normal kids call “Goth,” he dressed all dark and scary
Kids would all point and stare until they caught Jimmy’s eye ever so hairy
And in an absurd attempt, to escape the apocryphal pain
Jimmy became ascetic, and razors friends became
(In an antiseptic way)
And so everyday after school, Jimmy would dig and think
“He said everyone’s beautiful inside, needs to see a shrink.”
Yes, Jimmy thought himself to be, quite the thinking man
But the truth of the matter is, he was also quite insane
So one day after school, during Odinistic rituals
Jimmy stopped to think, “Just what am I looking for?”
“There’s nothing beneath my skin but blood, and I’m getting rather bored with that>”
Jimmy had used it many times, to stain peoples clothes in laundromats
“There’s nothing for me outside my room, sunlight makes me wanna puke.”
He had in fact done this many times, mostly on other peoples shoes.
“It seems I have no purpose other than to be grotesque.”
Jimmy had this down to a science from bloody to burlesque
“And after life well, whats there to be afraid of.
Wisconsin can’t be all that bad, it least its colder than Jamaica.”
And so he wrote a goodbye note, quite a satirical piece
He ranted and rambled on and on, and signed it Mr. Jimmy
And then grabbed his Legos, duct tape tools and boards,
And built an Automated Suicide Machine, Patent Pending, ’94.
And so he strapped himself in and said goodbye to Mr. Fish
And then he pushed the button, but the machine didn’t work so instead he slit his wrists.
To say this was an odd experience, would be an understatement.
In delusion he saw his pet dog Muffy, who explained he’d been eaten by the monster in the basement.
But then the monster, a purple dragon named Vladimir, came and said
“YOU LIE! FOR YOUR SLANDER I WILL SUE, Jimmy you’re a witness you mustn’t die!”
Jimmy was quite alarmed at this, He just wanted to bleed to death.
“There must be some loophole, that I can use to secure some rest!”
And then he got a grand idea, it was rather ambitious
“But if it keeps me from Apparitional Court, then it’s worth the risk.”
And so he slipped into a trance, and did some neato tricks
He removed his soul from body and yet the body lived!
The body was rather vegeatative, quite the pale zombie
But his parents never noticed; they weren’t an attentive Dad and Mommy
And so through the marvel of Astral Projection ,self hating Jimmy became,
Jimmy the self hating Doppleganger, yes that was his brand new name.
For awhile everything went just so fine
Jimmy thought to himself, “I’ve never felt so alive!”
He’d float through walls, and look up girl’s skirts
The stuff that all dead people do (Ghost are big time pervs)
But after awhile, this grew dull
It was a malaise, if you will, a transcendental lull.
Once more he focused on himself, and hated what he saw
It was cool being ethereal but looking,
Up girls skirts was making him yawn
When that gets boring you have a problem, I’d just like to say
It just ain’t natural to not be perverted in every possible way.
Just thought I’d put that out there, wait, this is ruining the flow
And these lines, are just filler, to make a graceful save, so…
I hate myself and I want to die, was his unchanging cry
But to be mortified twice, well, it just won’t fly.
He tried to fly into the sun, he put himself in blenders
He even returned to his childhood hobby of being on the wrong end of fenders.
He tried to bake himself into a pie, but that didn’t work either.
He became extremely bitter and thought, “This is all ‘cause Muffy’s a liar!”
So he found Muffy and exacted his revenge,
He sold him to the ghostbusters, and that was just when,
Vladimir showed up, he was rather cheery
The court case had been going badly, the evidence was leery.
“Well now Muffy’s gone for good!” he said with an air of satisfaction
“You see, technically I kinda ate him, but only a small fraction.”
Jimmy turned in wild eyed rage, to the purple dragon,
“How dare you eat my only friend-my canine companion!”
And then Jimmy became rather Nordic, and pulled out a broadsword,
A legendary sword of lore, infused with the power of Thor
(Not available in stores.)
In his hands he held a sword, that had seen many battles
It had slain goblins, orcs and beasts, and a few disgruntled cattle.
“Defend yourself, ye demon beast!” cried Jimmy the viking
“Lest I take this sword in hand and cut off thy testes!”
And oh did Vladimir try, he tried really hard,
But his only defenses were bubbles, porn and yarn.
“What the hells the porn for?” Jimmy cried surprised.
“Death by masturbation is a silly way to die!”
“Uh, yeah…”said Vladimir, as he tucked the porn away
And an awkward silence hung over them, neither knowing what to say.
Then Vladimir said, “Uh, beware my bubbly wrath!”
And instead of flames out from his maw came bubbles and a half digested man.
“Help me!” the man cried, but Jimmy and Vladimir both said “SHUT UP!”
“Suck up the pain you pussy!” “You friggin’ suck!”
And when the adversaries turned to face each other again
They were dismayed to find amongst the bubbles, a horde of little children.
“I think they’re playing in the bubbles, how do we remove the horde?”
And Vladimir with an idea, once more pulled out his porn.
And then in event worthy of a stupid meandering poem unto itself
Vladimir took up his porn, and began to touch himself.
He worked and worked and popped Viagra, then worked and worked some more
He worked it harder then an aspiring $1000 a night whore.
Overhead thunder rolled, and the ground below rumbled
And then the children in their fear, did begin to stumble
Its really quite sad, they were so helpless,
Impersonating Harry Potter was there one supposed defense
And then one last lightning bolt struck, a nearby tree
And then the oddest thing happened-it began to scream
But that doesn’t matter, because just then Vladimir let out an orgasmic roar
A roar unlike any bellowed by a climaxin’ dragon before.
And then quite simply he creamed, all over the children
A few shrieks of horror and then, they were never seen again.
Then Vladimir turned to Jimmy and said “Where were we?”
But all Jimmy could think to say was “Dude. That’s ****ing disgusting.”
Vladimirs bubbles and porn didn’t work, and his wad was spent.
So it became apparent-the yarn was his last defense.
And so he began to play cat’s cradle, and he wrapped up poor Jimmy
Jimmy was bound up very tight and is said to have said, “Owie!”
And now it seemed Vladimir would win, Jimmy was in danger
For no real reason at all, his sword had turned into Hermione Granger.
Vladimir laughed at this, so hard he cried and bawled
But then Mrs. Granger began to speak, and had the ears of all…
But then a fateful event occurred while she was in midsentence,
Noone cares what she said, it was something about rules and tenets.
You see in midsentence she sneezed, in Vladimirs general direction
At first noone cared-but noone saw the infection.
You see dragons are ancient creatures, that haven’t evolved well
To cope with malignant organisms, consisting of just one cell.
Vladimir in on fell swoop caught cancer the cold, the clap!
He caught ADD, the screaming ****s and an annoying laugh!
He caught malaria, scarlet, yellow, green, spring and cabin fevers!
He caught influenza arthritis, and he even got all rhuemy!
He caught hepatitis A through Z, he got flesh-eating bacteria
He caught a nasty sort of bacne, and then a little diptheria!
The list goes ever on and on, too many to name
But just let it be known, that it will suffice to say…
Poor Vladimir, that big purple dragon
Died of jacking off induced, de-hy-dration!
Vladimir was dead, and so Jimmy was free
Then he asked Mrs. Granger, “How can I repay thee?”
She replied “That’s easy, I don’t ask a lot,
All’s I ask is for you to get on your knees, and give me a rimjob.”
There was a small moment of vertigo, as Jimmy processed what had been said
Then he asked, “Why do you ask that I give you a bit of feminine head?”
“Well, you see that bastard Ron, can’t keep me satisfied.
He always comes way too soon, and his supplies just run dry.”
“Oh,” said Jimmy in trepidation, “That’s what this is about.
Still you asking this of me, is odd, I have my doubts.”
“JUST SHUT UP AND LICK MY MUFF!” she cried, dropping all pretense,
And at the same time she also, dropped down her pants.
And so Jimmy got down on all fours, in front of young Hermione,
And proceeded to…yeah…you get the idea…
And so the deed was done, and Mrs. Granger went on her way.
And word has it she was never happier to the end of her days.
But all that just happens to be, just slightly pointless,
What is important though is what Jimmy got from this.
One can only surmise, Jimmy didn’t enjoy that day.
To this day he shudders, when he hears Mrs. Grangers name.
“I hate myself and I want to die,” is his unchanging cry
“I licked the muff, but I’m cursed with not being able to die
Because to be mortified twice, it just won’t fly,”
Yeah-he’s Jimmy the self-hating doppleganger, and he just. Won’t. Die.
-James B. Arroyo 9/28/05