fissures.

[slack]

hello. goodbye. thank you.

fissures in the sky

We outran ourselves, traveled so far so fast
under blue skies, never thinking
things could be different from what they seem.

We searched the sky for ghosts,
and traced the flights of planes
as they obscured the blinding summer-sun.

There were fissures in the sky,
warm slivers of light, spreading
and shimmering as they signaled
the death of our cherished dream.

Why are you running?

It's been so long since you've come, why'd you run?
Everything's the same but the scenery has changed.

Why are you running?

Everything is the same but the scenery has changed.
You're always shifting in your skin, and racing 'round
and 'round the room. You're too busy chasing ghosts
in hospital fields to notice your own body breaking down.

Why are you running?

There were fissures in the sky,
warm slivers of light shining throughout the lie,
spreading and shimmering as they signaled
the death of our cherised dream.

You're still tracing hills and valleys in the wall, wondering
from inside the window and wishing that one day,
something special might come and look your way,
but the dream is dead and gone and you're the only one
still hanging on, still searching for sky splitting aeroplanes in the fluorescent sun.

other stuff
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[Rockstar180]

its good

[DeadReligion]

We outran ourselves, traveled so far so fast
under blue skies, never thinking
things could be different from what they seem.
^ Remnds me of Supersonic - Bad Religion...that's a good thing.
We searched the sky for ghosts,
and traced the flights of planes
as they obscured the blinding summer-sun.
^ I really like this...but I still have no idea where you are going with this.
There were fissures in the sky,
warm slivers of light, spreading
and shimmering as they signaled
the death of our cherished dream.
^ Good. Armageddon?

Why are you running?
^ Well if it's armageddon this makes sense...running won't help. Lol.
It's been so long since you've come, why'd you run?
Everything's the same but the scenery has changed.
^ This is dangerously close to emo for me, but maybe you were actually going for that, I don't know...The lines aren't too bad though.

Why are you running?

Everything is the same but the scenery has changed.
You're always shifting in your skin, and racing 'round
and 'round the room. You're too busy chasing ghosts
in hospital fields to notice your own body breaking down.
^ I like this alot.

Why are you running?

There were fissures in the sky,
warm slivers of light shining throughout the lie,
spreading and shimmering as they signaled
the death of our cherised dream.
^ This is better than version 1.

You're still tracing hills and valleys in the wall, wondering
from inside the window and wishing that one day,
something special might come and look your way,
but the dream is dead and gone and you're the only one
still hanging on, still searching for sky splitting aeroplanes in the fluorescent sun.
^ Repetitive...but it's a good ending I guess. 8/10.

[full_bleed]

I don't have much to say but since you were kind enough to crit me I thought that I would at least attempt to show you the same respect.
I really like that entire first verse. The...warm slivers of light, spreading, and shimmering as they signaled, the death of our cherished dream really grabs my attention. I think it's very easy for each reader to visualize this in a different way. I like that.

Everything is the same but the scenery has changed.
You're always shifting in your skin, and racing 'round
and 'round the room. You're too busy chasing ghosts
in hospital fields to notice your own body breaking down.
^ I like it all except the hospital fields part. I'm just not understanding what is meant by that line therefore I can't picture what's going on in my mind.

I like the way you changed it up on the repeat of the "there were fissures in the sky". Nice touch

I don't care to much for the last part ecept for 2 lines in there
You're still tracing hills and valleys in the wall
but the dream is dead and gone and you're the only one
still hanging on

Unfortunetly I don't know what suggestions to give you because if it were mine I still wouldn't know how to make it "perfect"
All in all I think it's really good and if you plan on working it over a little more it should be great.

[slack]

I don't have much to say but since you were kind enough to crit me I thought that I would at least attempt to show you the same respect.

Thanks man, I appreciate it. I was just looking for general impressions, but I see even that is proving to be a challenge.

[EmoMagnum]

I read this the other day and meant to critique it but had to leave. Heh, guess I have time now, so here we go.

The first verse, I dont understand how the ghost part fits with everything else, it just seems out of place to me at the moment. My opinion of that changed after I read the whole thing, it fits into what seems so abstract to me.

I have a few ideas of what I think its about, obviously someones running from something, but what is it? A relationship? Personal Struggles? Either way, its a unique way of putting it all, and it works really well.

[slack]

It's about mentally breaking down ... like everything breaking apart around you, hence the 'fissures'. It's a cliche subject, but I don't know, I still kind of like this one. It used to be longer, but I trimmed it up a little bit. Thanks for the comment, I really appreciate it.

[EmoMagnum]

Cool, Even though its a cliched subject, its still a good way to work it. Again, good job.

[MidnightHysteria]

I can't help but get the feeling you listened to Pink Floyd's entire The Wall shortly before writing this, perhaps two or three times.

But regardless of that, it's a pretty nice piece in its own right. Others have pointed out the weak spots already. 7½/10.

[slack]

Yeah man, I admit it. Pink Floyd's my favorite band ever, so it's likely. :D