Beauty Hidden In Dissodence

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

yep another one, go fo it



So lets take a freeze frame
Immobilize Immortalize
This is a fine wine you'd love to savor
A perfect bouquet of
acidity alkalinity
While shes dressed to impress with silk embroidered in precious
Diamond emeralds
You would agree if your eyes could find a mirror
or if you didn't produce such a glare
Fragrant Radiant
So lets contain our greed
And keep our manners
Push her
Pull her in
But whatever you do
Dont harm the dress

[Sloth]

black dot for after work

[factor46]

So lets take a freeze frame
Immobilize Immortalize
This is a fine wine you'd love to savor


A very nice intro to the piece. I loved the last line. Nice way to make something new and awesome out of a cliche line. I'm not sure about the double-capitalization in the second line though.


A perfect bouquet of
acidity alkalinity
While shes dressed to impress with silk embroidered in precious
Diamond emeralds
You would agree if your eyes could find a mirror
or if you didn't produce such a glare


Excellent wording here. The flow is a little shaky at times, but only hardly. Another very good stanza. (or section of the piece in your case :thumb: )


Fragrant Radiant
So lets contain our greed
And keep our manners
Push her
Pull her in
But whatever you do
Dont harm the dress

Great way to use short lines to close out the song. I liked this part alot too. The last line stood out the most, only because of it's uniqueness. I loved the effect it brought though. Nice job.



Overall - This was a very nice piece of work man. I don't think I'd change a single thing if I were you. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. :D

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

thank you a ton factor.
and also sloth for taking the time to notice

[Sloth]

I can't just ignore your stuff, I used to crit it all of the time..

to the piece....
So lets take a freeze frame I like how you avoided saying picture or photograph.


Immobilize Immortalize
This is a fine wine you'd love to savor nice.. even though that first line tripped me up for a sec, I like it.. the second just appeals to me..

A perfect bouquet of
acidity alkalinity it feels like "acidity" should be "acidic" or "acidy" even though acidy sounds like something a 5 year old would say, acidity feels off..

While shes dressed to impress with silk embroidered in precious
Diamond emeralds there's a name or term for your interal rhyming there, I just can't remember it... But I like it. :thumb:

You would agree if your eyes could find a mirror
or if you didn't produce such a glare so far, this is the 'least favorable' part.. I don't know if you wanted to rhyme mirror with glare, but it doesn't work for me..

Fragrant Radiant
So lets contain our greed
And keep our manners meh.. the piece seems to be going downhill from that previous line/s..

Push her
Pull her in
But whatever you do
Dont harm the dress you show your contradiction here, but I think you could do a better job of it.. and that last line made me think of highschool prom and my brother's wedding--The girls dying to keep their dresses clean.

Overall-- it's not a bad piece.. You start off fine, but then you hit a point and it goes downhill from there.. If I were to suggest anything, I'd say revise at least that part. Other than that, it's fine

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

Thanks sloth, i didnt really mean to rhyme glare and mirror, but i guess they do rhyme slightly. As for the last part, yeah i agree i could find a way to put more emphasis than the " push her, pull her in".
But thanks for the crit!

[MidnightHysteria]

It gives me the impression that the point of view is jumping around a lot, even though when I examine it closely, I know it isn't. This is fun and somewhat chaotic. However, I must concur with Sloth that there's some stuff in the middle/end that could be done better.

By the by, do you have music for this? For some reason, when I read it, the whole thing just screamed "11/4 in phrygian" at me for some reason.

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

Thanks midnight Hysteria, and if you would wait for a month(give or take) we should have a demo out.

[youneverevenknew]

first off...

So lets take a freeze frame
Immobilize Immortalize
This is a fine wine you'd love to savor
A perfect bouquet of
acidity alkalinity


i think the begining of the poem is awsome (the end and rest is great too) it's very good poem...i wouldn't change a thing... it's wonderful...

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

Why thank you very much

[TojesDolan]

I don't know of anything constructive to say.

Maybe the only thing that bugged me was the lack thereof of any sort of punctuation marks. Try to fix that, I guess.

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

why thank you good sir.

[Mosh]

Hey I like your Vocabulary list :thumb: great words used in this and its perfect length as long as its a bit repetitive.