Absent Compass Roses

[SubtleDagger]

They all were gone and we were there
And I'd swear our eyes met, counted time
And lingered long on lonely rhymes, then left
To try and compromise the space.
Emptiness had always filled the place
Directions would stay late on through the night.

But we were lost and following
Our foolish footsteps, circles on
A map with no legend upon it. We knew
That dawn would never show its face.
Treading forward, always giving chase,
Discovering nothing but where we walked.

We knew that opposite us was the moon,
And so long as this star perilously loomed
Then north and south and east and west
Were doomed.

And she was a statue born of wax
With all her old flames closing in
To melt her sweetest paraffin. What would
A boy know of a cryptic key?
Romance was devoid of geography,
False continents forsaking bordered lines.

The stars were crossed, the planets gone.
The constellations left the skies,
Meandering in lullabies, and our
Eyes refused to see the light of day.
We longed for the celestial bodies' glow
To counteract the hardships that we'd know.

Directly overhead there shone the sun,
And our love would remain forever undone
Until north and south and east and west
Were one.

[TojesDolan]

Yes. Revising Burt's work.

They all were gone and we were there
And I'd swear our eyes met, counted time
And lingered long on lonely rhymes, then left
To try and compromise the space.
Emptiness had always filled the place
Directions would stay late on through the night.

The first two lines don't really make the cut for me. Maybe it was the repetition of "and". You managed to adapt ellipsis to the rest of the stanza. Try it in that particular sentence.

But we were lost and following
Our foolish footsteps, circles on
A map with no legend upon it. We knew
That dawn would never show its face.
Treading forward, always giving chase,
Discovering nothing but where we walked.

alright, I suppose. Nothing that really makes me piss my pants or anything like that, or that really makes me praise you like I've done in the past, but it's good, stands the point of the rest of the poem. If cut-down to a smaller stanza it wouldn't hurt, because It seems redundant after a while. Don't believe me, though. I'm crazy.

We knew that opposite us was the moon,
And so long as this star perilously loomed
Then north and south and east and west
Were doomed.

Short. Amazing.

And she was a statue born of wax
With all her old flames closing in
To melt her sweetest perrafin. What would
A boy know of a cryptic key?
Romance was devoid of geography,
False continents forsaking bordered lines.


Nice character changing. I'm digging the use of wax. It's paraffin, I looked that up. :)

The stars were crossed, the planets gone.
The constellations left the skies,
Meandering in lullabies, and our
Eyes refused to see the light of day.
We longed for the celestial bodies' glow
To counteract the hardships that we'd know.


Going for the sky. Nice touch.

Directly overhead there shone the sun,
And our love would remain forever undone
Until north and south and east and west
Were one.

First line can be divided into two: Directly overhead / there shone the sun" To add drama. Ouch, the ending is a little rushed.Develop it a tad bit more, one or two lines wouldn't hurt.

As always, great quality job, Burt, just check out the little "problems" I had. Great flow and all, just give it a double check, alright? :)

[SubtleDagger]

The first two lines don't really make the cut for me. Maybe it was the repetition of "and". You managed to adapt ellipsis to the rest of the stanza. Try it in that particular sentence.
The whole thing is mostly run-on to unvoke a sort of mood of innocence. Many writers due this when writing about young people.

alright, I suppose. Nothing that really makes me piss my pants or anything like that, or that really makes me praise you like I've done in the past, but it's good, stands the point of the rest of the poem. If cut-down to a smaller stanza it wouldn't hurt, because It seems redundant after a while. Don't believe me, though. I'm crazy.
There are only two types of stanza lengths here. The longer and the shorter ones, and all of the longer ones are the exact same length and vice versa. I use specific rhythms and syllable counts.

First line can be divided into two: Directly overhead / there shone the sun" To add drama. Ouch, the ending is a little rushed.Develop it a tad bit more, one or two lines wouldn't hurt.
I can't really divide it because it corresponds with the other "shorter" stanza. Like I said, there is a structure to the whole thing. Also, these lines were definitely not rushed, I actually worked this stanza out before the third as the ending.

EDIT: I had actually changed "paraffin" but U forgot to edit this one for some reason.

Thanks for the crit.

[slack]

Well, I figure a pat on the back is better than no feedback, even if both are basically worthless. I can't imagine you'd get a lot of criticism on this one because it's generally solid. I really love sonics, so this was a very enjoyable read.

Nice job.

[SubtleDagger]

Ha, I never get much criticism on my pieces, but I assume that's because most people don't get many crits.

Thanks.

[factor46]

This was a great piece. I was captured, the whole time I was reading it. It had great imagery, and great flow. The second stanza kind of ended on a weird note, but the third one was remarkable. I loved the way you worded it. I don't think I would change anything throughout the whole song. Sorry I can't be of more help, but I was pretty much astonished after reading it. Nice work. :thumb:

[SubtleDagger]

Ha, thanks a lot.

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

I do quite enjoy this peice, but i just have a few small quarrels.

Second line - time supposed to be plural? not anything big, just wondering.

And your sun and moon stanza dont really appeal to me. That could be just opinion but the triple rhyme just seems to be a turn off. Even if it isnt forced, when you do that it gives off an impression.
Everything else is great though, an overall awesome piece!

[MidnightHysteria]

I like the short stanzas the best. They make me think of Poe (especially "the bells") for some reason.

EDIT: Wow, this was the most useless crit ever. I'll add some to it.

The fourth stanza is very nice by itself, however, it doesn't seem to really fit in with the rest of the piece. The mood seems radically different from in the stanza immediately before it, and I think you could fix that nicely, and make it a smooth and logical transition like that from the first stanza into the second.

[jimbob2222]

great read your quite an artist when it comes to writing =)

[SubtleDagger]

I do quite enjoy this peice, but i just have a few small quarrels.

Second line - time supposed to be plural? not anything big, just wondering.

And your sun and moon stanza dont really appeal to me. That could be just opinion but the triple rhyme just seems to be a turn off. Even if it isnt forced, when you do that it gives off an impression.
Everything else is great though, an overall awesome piece!
"Time" is not plural. "Counted/ing time" is correct and quite literal.

The triple rhyme isn't forced, and I think that saying that rhyming three times gives off an impression that the rhyme is forced is a bit silly.

Thanks for critting.
I like the short stanzas the best. They make me think of Poe (especially "the bells") for some reason.

EDIT: Wow, this was the most useless crit ever. I'll add some to it.

The fourth stanza is very nice by itself, however, it doesn't seem to really fit in with the rest of the piece. The mood seems radically different from in the stanza immediately before it, and I think you could fix that nicely, and make it a smooth and logical transition like that from the first stanza into the second.
The mood changes halfway through the piece (stanzas 3 and 4) deliberately. The transition actually moves throughout the entire song though. Things pretty much steadily get gloomier from the beginning, though there's a bit of hope at the end.

Also, I can't really transition like I did in the second stanza because it's due to the conjunction, and the piece is full of conjunctions as is, so I started trying to lay off them. Thanks though.
great read your quite an artist when it comes to writing =)
*you're

[Biancazzurri]

Ha, I never get much criticism on my pieces, but I assume that's because most people don't get many crits.


from you...

[SubtleDagger]

from you...
I don't crit for crit, it's mindless as far as I'm concerned. I crit a piece I think shows potential. So of course, I don't crit many pieces. I'm rather antagonistic.

[Biancazzurri]

I don't crit for crit, it's mindless as far as I'm concerned. I crit a piece I think shows potential. So of course, I don't crit many pieces. I'm rather antagonistic.
piece that has a potential requires crit just as horrible piece. and at all, piece potential is ****, writers potential is what counts.

[SubtleDagger]

I honestly don't see a lot of writers with potential either. I crit when I do.

[TojesDolan]

Not even me? :(

But... I try... :(

[RunAmokRampant]

I don't crit for crit, it's mindless as far as I'm concerned. I crit a piece I think shows potential. So of course, I don't crit many pieces. I'm rather antagonistic.

I always feel obliged to crit someone who has taken the time and effort to crit mine even if theirs is absolute trash.

Anyway back to the task at hand, this piece really does have a childish tone to it. Somelines that really stuck out for me were "Romance was devoid of geography", "Emptiness had always filled the place" (oxymoron?) amongst others. You're the one of the only writers on this forum that is the most strict on structure and rhythm in your work and I commend you for that even though I prefer more diversity.