Are You Feeling Me?[Crit-4-Crit]

[EmoMagnum]

Well, I've been gone for awhile; Busy with school and all. But Im looking to get back to being here at the forum, and here's something I wrote a few weeks ago. Crit me, and Ill crit you back. Enjoy, and Peace.

Written By: Bryan Brewster
Date Started: October 2, 2005
Date Finished: October 3, 2005


“Are You Feeling Me?”

[Verse 1]
Speak til morning hours
How I hold you with these powers
The gift
Of my
Perfect
Timing
Never out of sync.

You riddle me with stares
As you leak out all your cares
Held on,
One rope
Pulled tight,
Your thoughts
My right to know

Well, are we doing fine?
Is everything ok?
Has there been a moment?
Where I cease to amaze?

[Chorus]
So tell me,
Everything
Are you feeling me?
The way that Im feeling me?

So charming
Disarming
Are you feeling me?
The way that Im feeling me?

[Verse 2]
Remembering their words
When they said watch out for
Those boys
Who read
Your thoughts
Clearly
Make you lose control.

No matter what I've said
It sounds right in your head
These words
Hold you
Fast to
My tongue
Your world, in my hands.

Are you sure Im what you want?
Prepare for all those days,
When one thing goes wrong
What everyone may say?

[Chorus]
So tell me,
Everything
Are you feeling me?
The way that Im feeling me?

So charming
Disarming
Are you feeling me?
The way that Im feeling me?

[slack]

You riddle me with stares
As you leak out all your cares
Held on,
One rope
Pulled tight,
Your thoughts
My right to know

The underlined line reads a little awkward. Perhaps you could find a better alternative to leak? It just doesn't fit, in my opinion.

These are pretty average lyrics. The concept isn't exactly mind-blowing, and the phrasing leaves a lot to be desired, but with music this could turn out to be a good song. God knows there are worse lyrics out there. I will say that the first stanza is the best of the bunch, and the first line of stanza 2 is also pretty darn good, but the rest is too general for my tastes.

[DeadReligion]

Your structure pisses me off. WAY too many one word lines. That being said, the lyrics themselves are okay.

[Verse 1]
Speak til morning hours
How I hold you with these powers
The gift
Of my
Perfect
Timing
Never out of sync.
^ Contradictory, you talk about someone's powers, then talk about your perfect timing gift...seems awkward...THe first two lines are cool though.

You riddle me with stares
As you leak out all your cares
Held on,
One rope
Pulled tight,
Your thoughts
My right to know

Well, are we doing fine?
Is everything ok?
Has there been a moment?
Where I cease to amaze?
^ Yes, I realize this is part of the same verse. I agree, leak is a bad word here, so is pour, so don't change it to that. I realize the form kind of makes sense in the way you would sing it, but it's a bi*ch to read. Rope is rather cliche...but I've said it a hundred times...what isn't these days. Too many question marks, gets annoying, plus, on line three, it is incorrectly put.

[Chorus]
So tell me,
Everything
Are you feeling me?
The way that Im feeling me?

So charming
Disarming
Are you feeling me?
The way that Im feeling me?
^ Well, I kind of dislike choruses period...plus you use the word "me" so many times I want to e-hit you. Lol. And they all end with "me" cept three lines...lines five and six are short, but not bad.

[Verse 2]
Remembering their words
When they said watch out for
Those boys
Who read
Your thoughts
Clearly
Make you lose control.
^ It's...a good message, a bit straight-forward, but not bad.

No matter what I've said
It sounds right in your head
These words
Hold you
Fast to
My tongue
Your world, in my hands.
^ God, your rhymes are too simple, though I admit, my rhymes aren't great either, but still, try to rhyme a little more complex, with more complex schemes then AA.

Are you sure Im what you want?
Prepare for all those days,
When one thing goes wrong
What everyone may say?
^ The last line is extremely awkward, and needs rephrasing. And the first is just not that great, but I can't think of a better way to say it...so whatever.

Anyway, overall this wasn't bad. It was no masterpiece either. 6/10.
Can you crit my song Revolution Producer (RP)? http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=406736

[EmoMagnum]

Thanks for the critiques. I understand where youre both coming from, the lines are an really awkward read. This is one of the more free written songs Ive wrote, it just came out like this so easily. I usually use more complicated rhyme schemes but, this time it was just whatever, and I rhymed them like that.

As for the beginning of the song being a hell of a lot better than the second verses, Its just me as a writer. Sometimes, I start something out, get distracted, then cant pull it all through together again.

Slackjaw, if you want me to crit something of yours, just let me know.

[TojesDolan]

Speak til morning hours
How I hold you with these powers
The gift
Of my
Perfect
Timing
Never out of sync.

You riddle me with stares
As you leak out all your cares
Held on,
One rope
Pulled tight,
Your thoughts
My right to know

It's almost good... it could be comprised, as there are a lot of unneceseary stops due to the spaces between the lines. Good idea though.

EmoMagnum is on a distinguished road

Are You Feeling Me?[Crit-4-Crit]
Well, I've been gone for awhile; Busy with school and all. But Im looking to get back to being here at the forum, and here's something I wrote a few weeks ago. Crit me, and Ill crit you back. Enjoy, and Peace.

Written By: Bryan Brewster
Date Started: October 2, 2005
Date Finished: October 3, 2005


“Are You Feeling Me?”

[Verse 1]
Speak til morning hours
How I hold you with these powers
The gift
Of my
Perfect
Timing
Never out of sync.

You riddle me with stares
As you leak out all your cares
Held on,
One rope
Pulled tight,
Your thoughts
My right to know

Well, are we doing fine?
Is everything ok?
Has there been a moment?
Where I cease to amaze?

Cliché. Try to wrok around the idea of saying the same thing, using medical terms or something. I don't know.

So tell me,
Everything
Are you feeling me?
The way that Im feeling me?

So charming
Disarming
Are you feeling me?
The way that Im feeling me?


Poor chorus. Not a lot of content. Not that choruses have to be really cool... but this one isn't even catchy.

Remembering their words
When they said watch out for
Those boys
Who read
Your thoughts
Clearly
Make you lose control.

No matter what I've said
It sounds right in your head
These words
Hold you
Fast to
My tongue
Your world, in my hands.

Are you sure Im what you want?
Prepare for all those days,
When one thing goes wrong
What everyone may say?

Cliché and the order and what not destroy the flow. It had it's bright moments, but it was cliché overall. Work something more insightful around that idea.

[cheetah_85]

Ok, not a bad piece, although the structure drives me nutty.

Theres a few contradictory lines and cliches, but cliches are impossible not to use now, so dont take that the hard way.

keep Criting

[slack]

Slackjaw, if you want me to crit something of yours, just let me know.

Alright then. (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=406644)