~Kendra~

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

~Kendra~

Good morning dear, the dawn has kissed us both
Through muted tones, the sun will dry our clothes
With a yawn, we stretch our cramped and crowded selves
It's the time I cherish most
In the fall, through the leaves we'd rummage
Through fields full of wildlife and birds with colored plumage
If mother nature shows her teeth and cries the grass to sleep
We'll have a colored arc as homage

Isn't it wonderful?
Isn't this everything you've ever dreamed of?

I've seen Jesus here, where the rocks meet the coast
The altar made of flowers, where the willows bend and bow
Amongst the rows of green, we'll squeeze the vines and spill the wine
Give honor through this toast
The days will pass, the moon will wax and wane
We'll sleep as one, lift our spirits to the starry gaze
Blend into the galaxy, buckle Orion's belt and wrestle Ursa minor
And the sun will rise again

Let's be invicible
Let us start the world anew



-My band is starting to take off. We're like a folk-rock band. Pretty experimental at the same time. I need to figure how to get some songs on here. Oh well thanks in advance for any helpful input. :wave:

[Sloth]

I like what I see...but I'll black dot this for after work so I can address details

[TojesDolan]

CCR, huh?

I don't swear. But I do sweat. See you in a sec with a shiny new critique. :D

[slack]

There isn't much here to criticise because it's pretty awesome stuff. There was a couple times I'd read this and come upon a rhyme, or a half-rhyme, and say to myself, "Now I know that rhymed with something else early on, but I can't put my finger on where" and then I'd have to go back and figure out where. I really dig that kind of subtlety.

So, yeah. Excellent, excellent, excellent.

[RollerQueen]

Ten points for the slantrhyme of "rummage," "plumage," and "homage." Most people wouldn't try that. In fact, anyone who uses slant rhyme consistently gets brownie points in my book.

Hm... If I were given the challenge to explain this piece in one word, I would choose "innocuous." Nothing is particularly striking about the imagery or anything, but there's nothing that's too terrible or offensively saccharine. True, the intro is a bit lovey-dovey (lord, did typing that just make me feel 50 years older), and there's a flowery, purple feeling to it all, but to the right music, it could be very pretty, like Nick Drake on Prozac. While some effectiveness is lost in the wording, redemption comes from the imagery. Essentially, that's the struggle. Where the phrasing fails you, the images strewn about ameliorate the aforementioned problem. Lose the flowery sentimentality.

Kudos for your username, too. It's Morphin' Time! Mastodon! Pterodactyl! Triceratops! Sabretooth Tiger! Tyrannosaurus!

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

Thx all. Muchas Gracias.

[Sloth]

Through muted tones, the sun will dry our clothes
With a yawn, this is my favorite part thoughout the whole piece..

But RollerQueen already covered what I wanted to say...so it'd be pointless for me to type all of that out again... I'll make sure to crit another one of your pieces more adiquately later