Business Suits and Cocktails

[FA]

The rhyming on this might seem corny to some of you, but to the music i like it, and i normally do not rhyme like this, and now that i've said that you might think it's corny, i'm sure to get that critique, either way, critique please.

Business Suits and Cocktails
--justinbhughes

[Verse 1]
Meet me in the red ribboned foyer,
The ballroom floor is asleep today,
Scribbles swamp the business poster,
and lecture me onto a roller coaster.

I can almost hear the sailor music,
The light is dying, on a shy wick,
Early morning, the rooster moans,
I can tell he's anxious from his tone.

[Chorus]
Pull the ropes with white gloved crime,
Box me in glass, you age old mime,
We slept-in early sunday mornings,
And we wrote off late night caffeine warnings.

[Verse 2]
With a trite smile, you passed me by,
There and gone, a shallow sigh,
We brainstormed lies until we yawned,
And became drunk with ink 'til early dawn.

The steps are laden with jealous sorrow,
Midnight papers can wait till morrow,
Bloodshot eyes mirror sleepless dreams,
And Last second memos tear at seams.


[Chorus]
Pull the ropes with white gloved crime,
Box me in glass, you age old mime,
We slept-in early sunday mornings,
And we wrote off late night caffeine warnings.
pull the ropes..
box me in..
box me in..
we'll sleep in on sunday mornings.

[DeadReligion]

[Verse 1]
Meet me in the red ribboned foyer,
The ballroom floor is asleep today,
Scribbles swamp the business poster,
and lecture me onto a roller coaster.

I can almost hear the sailor music,
The light is dying, on a shy wick,
Early morning, the rooster moans,
I can tell he's anxious from his tone.
^ The first four lines are the better part of the verse. The second half...I don't know, it seems weird and out of place to me.

[Chorus]
Pull the ropes with white gloved crime,
Box me in glass, you age old mime,
We slept-in early sunday mornings,
And we wrote off late night caffeine warnings.
^ You know how I hate choruses, but it isn't bad, I can certainly relate to the last two lines, at least, when taken at face value.

[Verse 2]
With a trite smile, you passed me by,
There and gone, a shallow sigh,
We brainstormed lies until we yawned,
And became drunk with ink 'til early dawn.

The steps are laden with jealous sorrow,
Midnight papers can wait till morrow,
Bloodshot eyes mirror sleepless dreams,
And Last second memos tear at seams.
^ The first two lines seem...overdone, or cliche if you will...god, everything is cliche nowadays, anyway, the 3rd and 4th are nice. Again, the first line of the second half is rather cliche. The second line is good. I really like the third especially, and the fourth. And once again, taken at face value, I can relate to #3. I never get sleep and always look stoned out of my fu*kin' mind.

[Chorus]
Pull the ropes with white gloved crime,
Box me in glass, you age old mime,
We slept-in early sunday mornings,
And we wrote off late night caffeine warnings.
pull the ropes..
box me in..
box me in..
we'll sleep in on sunday mornings.
^ The added part is okay, not good, not bad, but okay. The last line wasn't a good ending, you might consider removing it and just ending with box me in..or you could move it to between the caffeine line and the ropes line. Anyway, 7.8/10. Pretty gnarly job. Lol...I said gnarly...or typed it rather.

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

Business Suits and Cocktails
--justinbhughes

[Verse 1]
Meet me in the red ribboned foyer,
The ballroom floor is asleep today,
Scribbles swamp the business poster,
and lecture me onto a roller coaster.

I enjoy the first 2 line immensely. They flow right into each other perfectly. However, the last 2 here don't roll off the tongue as well as the first 2. Not yet clear what's going on...let's continue.

I can almost hear the sailor music,
The light is dying, on a shy wick,
Early morning, the rooster moans,
I can tell he's anxious from his tone.

I like this stanza a lot. shy wick<-- cool phrase. I'm still kinda searching for a meaning, but the imagery here is very nice.

[Chorus]
Pull the ropes with white gloved crime,
Box me in glass, you age old mime,
We slept-in early sunday mornings,
And we wrote off late night caffeine warnings.

Cool idea with the mime and box in glass thing. I enjoy everything except maybe caffeine warnings. Kinda awkward.

[Verse 2]
With a trite smile, you passed me by,
There and gone, a shallow sigh,
We brainstormed lies until we yawned,
And became drunk with ink 'til early dawn.

Nice. Probably my favorite stanza thus far. It all ties together well...
Drunk with ink<---another cool phrase.

The steps are laden with jealous sorrow,
Midnight papers can wait till morrow,
Bloodshot eyes mirror sleepless dreams,
And Last second memos tear at seams.


The last line may be missing a word before seems. I don't know if you meant to leave one out, but i just feel that maybe my, or the should be used there. Aside form that, I can relate to this stanza a lot. I wait forever to do anything, especially homework. (I guess that's what you're getting at)

[Chorus]
Pull the ropes with white gloved crime,
Box me in glass, you age old mime,
We slept-in early sunday mornings,
And we wrote off late night caffeine warnings.
pull the ropes..
box me in..
box me in..
we'll sleep in on sunday mornings.

Once again, I like this.

Overall- This is a cool piece. I couldn't really tie much together until later on, but that's okay. I'm not all about the deep meaning crap anyhow, sometimes it's cool, but not always necessary. If it sounds good, I like it.
You seem to be one of the up-and-coming posters here in S&L, so keep up the good work. I look forward to seeing more fomr you in the future.:thumb: