Say Hello to the Coast

[RollerQueen]

So my right index finger has been frostbitten today and is now blistering because my doctor was inaccurate in a wart removal. Yippee.

Anyway, this is part of a series of songs about World War II that I'm working on. The first installment, I'll See the World for You (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=373475), was posted a few months ago or something. This, like everything I've ever done, is a work in progress. I am aware of the awkward phrasing and most blatantly bad parts, but I can't write and can barely type, so that'll be fixed later. I'll return crits as usual, but put some effort into it.


Say Hello to the Coast


We live in th' wanton wake of "Lohengrin,"
And these edacious lives make fodder spent.
Dear husband, you're no different, a tool,
A proletariat puppet, a fool.

Our shadows loom longer than
Our futures can afford to lend.

Say hello to the coast when you leave.

'Til death do part, our vows you contravene.
I ask, "Do you love me? Will you miss me?"
Oh, you can lie. Pray death to save the Reich,
His gelid touch to rid the Axis' vice.

Some men are pine,
Lining their caskets
With their lives;
Mine wastes away,
Baiting the grave as
The Luftwaffe awaits.

Say hello to the coast when you go.

The metronome of soldiers' steps depart
On roads that grow by day evermore dark,
But will your boots to their damned trail attend?
With hope my love to guide your will, I send.

Caligula wounds scar the deutschmarked fields
With wedding-bands-turned-bullets sund'ring shields.
In passing months, will I get word from town
To hear five years of marriage just shot down?

And the catharsis died at my feet...
Say hello to the coast when you leave.

[TojesDolan]

You can't type?

Disabling mental disease you got? ... Just kidding.

We live in th' wanton wake of Lohengrin,
And these edacious lives make fodder spent.
Dear husband, you're no different, a tool,
A proletariat puppet, a fool.

Weeeeeird flow. I like the idea behind the starting stanza, it just doesn't flow naturally. the last two lines are the most discouraging. maybe how about separating "Dear husband, you're no different, a tool," into two lines? The other concern I had was the tool, fool situation. It feels awkward.

'Til death do part, our vows you contravene.
I ask, "Do you love me? Will you miss me?"
Oh, you can lie. Pray death to save the Reich,
His gelid touch to rid the Axis' vice.

The first line. It's either "'till death do us part" or "'till death does part". This is an amazing stanza.

Say hello to the coast when you go.

Instead of go... what about sail? or depart? Go seems... out of place, considering the complexity of the rest.

With hope, my love will guide your will, I send.

The hillbillish language that comes every now and then adds reality to the poem, indeed. I liked it, but the flow is not exactly the best. sometimes it flows naturally, other times it doesn't. The idea behind it is quite universal, so yeah I dig it.

Don't feel pressured to critique. Take this a freebie. ;)

I don't know about this. It's good the overall stanza. Just this part bugs me. maybe changing the word order.

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

Yeah, I agree with many points that Tojes brought up, esp. the flow issues. I liked the piece as a whole, but it got muddied at some points. Wording seemed to be a bit jumbled. The idea, imagery, and whatnot are all very solid as usual. Good work.

[RollerQueen]

Hillbilly language? I don't follow. The setting is Germany. Ah well. The reason the title line is so simple is for that shock value. I often say things in a roundabout manner, so that part is a counterpoint to that, and I think of it as honest simplicity, despite the obvious metaphorical connotations. Yes, I know some parts are clunky, but this draft is miles ahead of the first one...

Phew. I'll comment on your threads when I get home from class/the hospital/work. Take care 'til then.

[Sloth]

another by Queen, yessssssssssss... black dotted until I'm done with work

[TojesDolan]

Hillbilly language? I don't follow. The setting is Germany. Ah well. The reason the title line is so simple is for that shock value. I often say things in a roundabout manner, so that part is a counterpoint to that, and I think of it as honest simplicity, despite the obvious metaphorical connotations. Yes, I know some parts are clunky, but this draft is miles ahead of the first one...

Phew. I'll comment on your threads when I get home from class/the hospital/work. Take care 'til then.
Not hillbilly... let me see if I can clarify. The sudden use of apostrophes, to show distortion of language:

We live in th' wanton wake of Lohengrin,

'Til death do part, our vows you contravene.

To hear o' five years of marriage just shot down?

the contractions, my humblest sir. They are a little...hmmm. That.

[RollerQueen]

Oh, those. Yeah, that's me keeping with the heroic verse. I'm not saying it works 100%.

C'mon, people.

Oh, and I slightly edited the piece.

[Sloth]

We live in th' wanton wake of Lohengrin,
And these edacious lives make fodder spent.
Dear husband, you're no different, a tool,
A proletariat puppet, a fool. Is that a real place or did you make that up..It sounds like a city out of LOTR.. Actually is sounds more German than anything.. I don't know.. I had to read this a few times to try to find a flow or feel to it, but I found one that felt good.. I always love how you aren't afraid to use 'different' words that the more common reader wouldn't understand...and you do it in such a way that it fits and feels comfortable.. :thumb:


Our shadows loom longer than
Our futures can afford to lend.
MMM! I love that! You have a talent for one-liners and couplets.. (which is stated in the writer profile thread). MMMM!


Say hello to the coast when you leave. maybe I'm reading into this too much...but this can be taken a few different ways, I like that.



'Til death do part, our vows you contravene.
I ask, "Do you love me? Will you miss me?"
Oh, you can lie. Pray death to save the Reich,
His gelid touch to rid the Axis' vice. Ahh, Germany.. there it is.. I can't find a comfortable flow/vibe for the first two lines. The other two were fine.. no complaints..


Some men are pine,
Lining their caskets
With their lives;
Mine wastes away,
Baiting the grave as
The Luftwaffe awaits. I like the rhyme scheme here... but it's a rather bland stanza for you.


The metronome of soldiers' steps depart
On roads that grow by day evermore dark,
But will your boots to their damned trail attend?
With hope my love to guide your will, I send.
The third line tripped me up...but I'm a dumbass, so you're ok.. I just like the way you word this, simple as that. You could have phrased it MANY other ways, but you didn't...cheers for that :chug: !


Caligula wounds scar the deutschmarked fields
With wedding-bands-turned-bullets sund'ring shields.
In passing months, will I get word from town
To hear five years of marriage just shot down HOLY AWESOME.. I like that a lot! This is by far my favorite part... :thumb: x 22 !


And the catharsis died at my feet...
Say hello to the coast when you leave. Muah (that's me doing that "French" thing where you kiss the tips of your fingers to show that you like something...?) Nice ending. I like how you repeated this a few times throughout the piece, slightly changing it of course..


Overall--nice topic, it's rarely addressed...and when it is, it usually sucks. It's usually some death metal genre yelling something irritating. This is definately your style of writing. I could probably match this if it were some multiple choice test or something... as always RQ, nice :thumb: x22

[morrissey]

I doubt this is what you were going for but I could easily hear Colin Meloy belting this one out. You have a similar lyrical style to him, I think. In the way you tell such fascinating stories, your rhymes are perfect but unexpected, and overall your songs are a joy to both read and hear.

Reich/vice is just jawdropping. "deutschmarked", "Caligua wounds" etc etc etc you've got so much going on here that is astounding. I don't want to do the whole critiquing thing by actually giving you helpful advice so isntead I'll just fawn over your writing for a while. ilvu

1.8/10

[DeadReligion]

Hmm, I'll have to check that other part out soon, I'm really interested WWII...

We live in th' wanton wake of Lohengrin,
And these edacious lives make fodder spent.
Dear husband, you're no different, a tool,
A proletariat puppet, a fool.
^ 2nd line is funny...fodder, makes me think of Star Wars...This seems a little weird, having it sound like the wife is dissing the husband, I don't imagine that happened much, however, it's quite interesting nevertheless.

Our shadows loom longer than
Our futures can afford to lend.
^This, is really good, it really makes me think of war...

Say hello to the coast when you leave.
^ I'm not a fan of one line by itself, but it's a good line, so I'll leave it alone.

'Til death do part, our vows you contravene.
I ask, "Do you love me? Will you miss me?"
Oh, you can lie. Pray death to save the Reich,
His gelid touch to rid the Axis' vice.
^ Sounds alot like it's about a traitor, and how the Axis better pray for immediate death, because if they become imprisoned, they will be victims of a much worse fate. I like it. If that is what you were going for, you might want to change the first question though, it doesn't go too well with that meaning, to me.

Some men are pine,
Lining their caskets
With their lives;
Mine wastes away,
Baiting the grave as
The Luftwaffe awaits.
^ This verse is great. Nothing wrong with it.

The metronome of soldiers' steps depart
On roads that grow by day evermore dark,
But will your boots to their damned trail attend?
With hope my love to guide your will, I send.
^ The metronome comparison is very good. The third line has a good message, it's said in a way that is a little weird though. I also didn't really get the last line.

Caligula wounds scar the deutschmarked fields
With wedding-bands-turned-bullets sund'ring shields.
In passing months, will I get word from town
To hear five years of marriage just shot down?
^ I like the allusion in the first line alot. The second line didn't appeal to me as much, the last two were good though.

And the catharsis died at my feet...
^hmm...weird line.

Overall this was very very good...9.8/10. Please crit:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=406736

[RollerQueen]

1.8, morrissey? :-\ Oh, and Colin Meloy and I need to hang out. I emailed them, but with their tour and their lax email system, I haven't gotten word back... I <3 you too. :)

Also, Lohengrin (maybe I should put parenthesis around that word) is the Wagner opera that Hitler drew much of his inspiration from. Live and learn and then get Luvs.

Sloth, that one stanza may be bland, but I have it in there as a nod to the part in All Quiet on the Western Front wherein the caskets are stacked next to a school; I'm playing with the idea that some people kill themselves with their actions, essentially making themselves walking caskets. So yeah, that's why it's there.

DeadReligion, I thank you and will return a critique when I return from classes this evening. Thanks a million.

[RollerQueen]

Oh, come on, kids. APS, metaliq, anyone?

[morrissey]

Once I get a word in nothing else matters.

Or something.


And I meant 1.7, sorry for the typo.

[RollerQueen]

Isn't 1.7/10 really bad? You confuse me. Maybe it's a problem with the conversion from Canadian to United Statesian units? And yes, you have the final say. Thanks again for Christmasifying my avatar last year, too.

[morrissey]

Sorry I meant 1.7 out of 1.8 stars.


Oh yeah that was good times. We're going to do that again this year I hope.

[xKONRADx]

Amazed. You may not think its perfect, and i wouldnt say that either. But its much better than anything i can think of at the moment. extraordinary phrasing and i just love that it is its own piece. even though it is intended as part of a larger whole.

[Dancin' Man]

I really like this. It works so well as a sotry type piece and your language is properly consistent which I like. The words don't seem out of place to me. Your current flow I like as well. But man.... the way you told the story is just so great
historical references, good imagery and just excellent lines. The bit about shadows is perfect as far as I can tell. Your use of rhyme is well done. It's overall a solid piece. It doesn't mean a whole lot to me outside of being a story, but you told it in such a way that I don't mind.

[RollerQueen]

Thanks, guys! I'll critique in return tomorrow sometime. I'm off to bed now. It has been a long week.

Odd scale, Amanderz, but thanks. <3 Maybe you can give Santa a hockey stick, and my guy can have some lights or booters.

xKONRADx, many thanks, even though you steal metaliq's icons shamelessly. Indeed, it's hella imperfect, but at least it's not Nickelback.

DancingMan, more thanks, too. It's cool that you enjoy it as a story without asking for it to draw out some super-emotional response. That saves us both. :)

Goodnight!

[xKONRADx]

xKONRADx, many thanks, even though you steal metaliq's icons shamelessly. Indeed, it's hella imperfect, but at least it's not Nickelback.

I didnt mean its imperfect in a bad way, i dont think anything is. And metaliq stole it from me!

[RollerQueen]

So Tyxcore's the thief, eh? Let slip the dogs of war.

[factor46]

So much of that went over my head, I wouldn't even know how to properly critique it. All I know is that I still love the way you write. Such poetry and creativity and elegance. Haha.

"Say hello to the coast when you go.

The metronome of soldiers' steps depart
On roads that grow by day evermore dark,
But will your boots to their damned trail attend?
With hope my love to guide your will, I send."

...That, for example, is really good.


Sorry I can't help you much. But I felt the need to comment somehow. :thumb:

[youneverevenknew]

these stupid ppl keep critiqueing spelling so much that they're not even paying attention to the song.... who cares its still the same... u kno what he meant... and what he did was write a great piece... but i quess...it's very good... and if u ever stop writting i shall kill u dead...lol...;p

[Iron_Weed]

We live in th' wanton wake of "Lohengrin,"
And these edacious lives make fodder spent.
Dear husband, you're no different, a tool,
A proletariat puppet, a fool.

Nice, most people can't pull of something like this without packing it full of cliches, but you do it very well. No complaints, good first verse.

Our shadows loom longer than
Our futures can afford to lend.

I like this alot, again no complaints.

Say hello to the coast when you leave.

Very catchy, cool hook.

'Til death do part, our vows you contravene.
I ask, "Do you love me? Will you miss me?"
Oh, you can lie. Pray death to save the Reich,
His gelid touch to rid the Axis' vice.

First line isn't bad but sounds like you could rewrite it to make it flow a little better, I dunno sounds a little choppy. Nothing wrong with your second line, doesn't really jump out at me though. Last two lines are pure goodness, very powerful.

Some men are pine,
Lining their caskets
With their lives;
Mine wastes away,
Baiting the grave as
The Luftwaffe awaits.

Love it all, probably my favourite verse so far, especially the first three lines.

Say hello to the coast when you go.

The metronome of soldiers' steps depart
On roads that grow by day evermore dark,
But will your boots to their damned trail attend?
With hope my love to guide your will, I send.

Good first line, I don't like the "evermore dark" in your second line, I'd probably rephrase that a little. I like your third line but the last line sounds kinda weird and doesn't really say anything interesting to me.

Caligula wounds scar the deutschmarked fields
With wedding-bands-turned-bullets sund'ring shields.
In passing months, will I get word from town
To hear five years of marriage just shot down?

Wow, jumping from your least descreptive verse to an onslaught of imagery. First two lines are great, but your last two lines make you're trying to maintain the flow very apparent, I'd recommend rephrasing them just a little.

And the catharsis died at my feet...
Say hello to the coast when you leave.[/QUOTE]

Great ending

Easily one of the best war based songs I've ever read here, for the most part very descriptive without losing emotion. I love almost all of it, good work.

P.S. Sorry i took so long to get round to this.

9.5/10

[RollerQueen]

Hey. Better late than never. Yeah, some of it's clunky, but it's just a draft. Thanks, sir. Take care.