winters wood

[-=Hopesfall=-]

two hands unite under vivite moon light,
and caress and co-exist as one holds one tight.
the breath of both all sworm and form one,
as each evening star appears nostaligcally bright.

a walk down this evenings winters path,
can reveil so much more than any prior time,
as every branch that brushes by my ear,
is heightened by the natural glow of your face.
all senses tingling with distance from my body,
caused by a wide stare from your diamond like eyes,
that shimmer more than any ripple on a windy lake.

(intoxicating as your smile is,
it appears to have spread,
making every oak tree drunk.)

I've stood in this same spot a thousand times,
and probably will a thousand more.
but havent been aware of anything around me,
until you came around me.

breathless, still, and awaiting,
a moment where everything has frozen,
distilling the sounds of breaking ice,
cracking under our foot steps,
imprinting pictures of our walk,
our walk through winters woods.

the ground laced with the lightest cocain,
to remind us all that this place,
can turn desimal to magical in one icy breath.
this is when no one bothers to exhale.

any crit welcome

[FA]

great imagery, i'll get to this later

[anotherlamenobody]

I like this a lot, while reading that, I really felt like I was there. As said before, great use of imagery. I may be wrong on this, but a few parts, like the last stanza, seems kind of awkwardly worded for lyrics, but works fine as poetry.

You set the scene very well, it was very vivid and clear, and for that I give this a 9/10.

[RollerQueen]

Wow! I haven't seen anything from you in years! I'll comment on this tomorrow as I'm a bit preoccupied at the moment.

[Sloth]

this is me slapping you with a black stamp

[factor46]

Wow. Don't change a thing.

It's very good - near perfect - how it is. Congratulations.

:thumb:

[Sloth]

two hands unite under vivite moon light,
and caress and co-exist as one holds one tight.
the breath of both all sworm and form one,
as each evening star appears nostaligcally bright. Nice stanza. You do a great job of taking a simple thing and making it MUCH more..


a walk down this evenings winters path,
can reveil so much more than any prior time,
as every branch that brushes by my ear,
is heightened by the natural glow of your face.
all senses tingling with distance from my body,
caused by a wide stare from your diamond like eyes,
that shimmer more than any ripple on a windy lake. well said.. I like how you're taking this whole idea and making it more..


(intoxicating as your smile is,
it appears to have spread,
making every oak tree drunk.) mmmm.. not up to par with the rest of the piece so far, but it gets your point/idea across nicely.


I've stood in this same spot a thousand times,
and probably will a thousand more.
but havent been aware of anything around me,
until you came around me. To me this says that NOW you're noticing everything BUT her... and the 3rd + 4th lines aren't worth mentioning as great. Very typical, they don't really match the rest of the piece.


breathless, still, and awaiting,
a moment where everything has frozen,
distilling the sounds of breaking ice,
cracking under our foot steps,
imprinting pictures of our walk,
our walk through winters woods. :thumb:


the ground laced with the lightest cocain,
to remind us all that this place,
can turn desimal to magical in one icy breath.
this is when no one bothers to exhale. :thumb: x 22!


Overall- I like it a lot.. but there's that one stanza in the middle that annoyed me.. other than that, nice job.. cheers :chug:

[-=Hopesfall=-]

thank you all for your help!:thumb:

[RollerQueen]

This will be short because I may have broken my wrist.

Alright, simple stuff, mostly typographical errors... "swarm," "cocaine," "reveal," don't know what "vivite" is (maybe "vivid"), "nostalgically," and "desimal" should probably be "dismal" given the context. Also, the commas at the end of each line aren't necessary, but use them as you like.

Hm. Pleasant sentiments. You go a little overboard with the wintry imagery, a fact escalated by the sporadic touches of bland/simplistic imagery. The disjunctiveness of the senses strikes me as a bit odd, too, but that's just me. Your stanza about the girl intoxicating the oaks is good, particularly coupled with the symbolic/lore-oriented relevance of oaks, so kudos on that. Also, the atmospheric quality in here is excellent. It reminds me of the times I spent walking around college, listening to Mineral's End Serenading.

My wrist's killing me now, so I'll end on this: the interaction between the speaker in the girl is where the piece falters, so work on bringing that up to par with the vivid descriptions of the setting. So long and goodnight. So long and goodnight. Also, if you could check out Say Hello to the Coast (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=406230), I'd appreciate it.

[insaneflyingmonkey]

Beautiful! Wow. Blown away here. One ever so minor change in the second last verse change "awaiting" to "waiting." With the "and" in front of it, it sounds awkward.