trick photography and a stolen dream

[LoserFriendly]

It's 3am.
But my eyes are beating sleep
I think they're going to hold out tonight.
And I'm gazing out of the window from my bed,
wondering what you're doing in the other room,
2154 miles away, on the other side of the moon.
Are you also staring?
Or did you close the curtains
with the television turned too loud?
But it's probably best that you don't turn it down.
Just ignore it.

Me?
I'm switching over and over again
between the cold sides of the pillow,
watching the numbers rearrange
in between flashes of black, to form your name.
And a spider crawls in the corner,
spinning its intricate web, it's trainwreck of thought,
naked in the moonlight.
Its telling its story to the unlucky fly
but it's just Zzzzzzz...away.

But then the digital distractions hum
with the sound of sirens,
and I read over the letters you didn't send,
convincing myself I could do better than this.
But I can't.
And I wouldn't want to.

And I used to dream,
over every concious hour,
so much the line blurred into
whatever reality might have been,
merging and manifesting
into a photo seared into my eyelids,
a thousand images flash back and forth at 70mph
all showing the same thing,
a perfect car crash of colours.

and that night, you were in the passenger side,
with my dreams packed in a trunk,
as you drove to the coast,
off the edge of the world.

3:01am.

[Biancazzurri]

But my eyes are beating sleep
I think they're going to hold out tonight.
And I'm gazing out of the window from my bed,
wondering what you're doing in the other room,
2154 miles away, on the other side of the moon.
Are you also staring?
Or did you close the curtains
with the television turned too loud?
But it's probably best that you don't turn it down.
Just ignore it.
Reminds me of the beginning of folk song. Decent intro verse. If this is a song.... its more like a poem, although it has good rhythm.

Me?
I'm switching over and over again
between the cold sides of the pillow,
watching the numbers rearrange
in between flashes of black, to form your name.
And a spider crawls in the corner,
spinning its intricate web, it's trainwreck of thought,
naked in the moonlight.
Its telling its story to the unlucky fly
but it's just Zzzzzzz...away.
ZZZZ thing is nice but fly away would be more mature.
If the fly zzzed away why is it unlucky? trainweck of thought doesn't do it for me either..


But then the digital distractions hum
with the sound of sirens,
and I read over the letters you didn't send,
convincing myself I could do better than this.
But I can't.
And I wouldn't want to.
'but i couldn't' maybe? nice one overall

And I used to dream,
over every concious hour,
so much the line blurred into
whatever reality might have been,
merging and manifesting
into a photo seared into my eyelids,
a thousand images flash back and forth at 70mph
all showing the same thing,
a perfect car crash of colours.
somehow i don't like the melancholic direction of your piece, here it is shown in its best...

and that night, you were in the passenger side,
with my dreams packed in a trunk,
as you drove to the coast,
off the edge of the world.
Uhm lovely verse and a lovely end. off the edge of the.. sounds very cliche i advice you to change it...

thank you for your crit...

[slack]

It's 3am.
But my eyes are beating sleep
I think they're going to hold out tonight.
And I'm gazing out of the window from my bed,
wondering what you're doing in the other room,
2154 miles away, on the other side of the moon.
Are you also staring?
Or did you close the curtains
with the television turned too loud?
But it's probably best that you don't turn it down.
Just ignore it.

I have no clue how this is going to be put to music, but you've probably got a better idea than me. It's a quaint little slice of life, isn't it? I like the different observations you make throughout this piece, and I like the way it kind of listlessly meanders down toward the end. The line I bolded is questionable, uhm, because 2154 miles isn't that far, certainly not for the moon, yeah? Besides, how would you sing that? Twenty-one fifty-four? No, no, no. I think it'd be better off as a million miles away, but everyone says that in their songs, so perhaps so many miles away would do the trick?

Overall, it's pretty good stuff. I have to say, I thought this stanza

and that night, you were in the passenger side,
with my dreams packed in a trunk,
as you drove to the coast,
off the edge of the world.

was particularly inspired.

70%

[FA]

your writing is very death cab-esque....

[Sloth]

I'm not in the rightmind to give godo crits.s
But I lvoed it.. and I hate typing..I have to concentrate too hardly to do it in times like this..

CHEEERS :chug:

[LoserFriendly]

ZZZZ thing is nice but fly away would be more mature.
If the fly zzzed away why is it unlucky? trainweck of thought doesn't do it for me either..



Thanks, I wasn't too sure about that. It was ambiguous in that, that is the sound the fly makes and also it's sleeping/uninterested in the spider's problems. I think I'll ditch it.

Thanks to the rest of you guys. I really appreciate it and will get to yours soon.

[jimbob2222]

nice =) alot of depth u can tell it was really inspired and i can relate to some of the lyrics