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Ishy
10-22-2005, 02:20 AM
i have no clue what to do with this little piece so will ya give me some advice on fixing it, choruses, exct


"Denise"

by ismael


Denise?, denise why dont we both watch that lonely blue sky outside?

denise,denise please tell me why all this time it was gone?

denise, denise, is this game, ever gonna end?

well now i am not sure if yer there its like a record player that will play all those songs that remind me of ya but after long when the tears are gone i'll be strong again

denise, denise? will ya stil watch that blue sky with me?

denise, denise with todays world i wish it would be gone

denise, denise when the cold rain comes around, yer face makes it warm

denise dont ya blame yerself its no ones fault

i guessed i ruined things, my immature life burned the bridge and a gap was left behind so i lept it and i broke my leg ya stood there alone in the blue wating fer yer cue

BUT denise, denise? is it too late to watch the blue sky?

denise, denise? my legs are in pain will ya help me around

denise, denise drain away my pain for i am sick with venom

denise, denise we both fell in hell and cried with shame and ya blamed me

denise, denise that knife & pills are just too damn far away from me

so this never ending dream its just goes on and on, but its all just messed up i dont get it, cu'z yer just there and i aint fair, my senses tell me the blue sky will turn grey and rain

denise......denise, so i guess we aint gonna watch that sky no more

FA
10-22-2005, 03:02 AM
the repetetive "denise's" gets a little old and redundant, the lyrics aren't all that bad, the structure is a little off (verse and chorus wise), but it's an ok song, the many "denise's" annoy the hell out of me.

Ishy
10-22-2005, 12:37 PM
ok, but how many should disappear?

Ishy
10-22-2005, 01:16 PM
ok, but how many should disappear?

but how many then?

5 inch snail
10-22-2005, 01:17 PM
Denise?

LoserFriendly
10-22-2005, 01:20 PM
Try writing this out a bit more clearly first please, it'd be easier on the eyes.

Ishy
10-22-2005, 01:22 PM
Try writing this out a bit more clearly first please, it'd be easier on the eyes.

there we go

LoserFriendly
10-22-2005, 01:58 PM
you're kidding, right?

Punctuation, correct spelling?

What the hell is c'uz?

"i broke my leg ya stood there alone in the blue wating fer yer cue"

How can you expect to be taken seriously?

Shady Ultima
10-22-2005, 02:53 PM
I don't like how it's structured, the lines run on too long. The lyrics are alright, nothing spectacular. It has potential to be a pretty good song, but it needs to be worked on a bit.

Ducky_72
10-22-2005, 02:54 PM
Awful. Start again.

Ishy
10-22-2005, 07:09 PM
you're kidding, right?

Punctuation, correct spelling?

What the hell is c'uz?

"i broke my leg ya stood there alone in the blue wating fer yer cue"

How can you expect to be taken seriously?

because

Ishy
10-22-2005, 10:50 PM
I don't like how it's structured

what do you mean?

Metal_Militant
10-23-2005, 12:26 AM
Go find Denise and have her slap you!:lol:

FA
10-23-2005, 12:29 AM
"i dont like how it's strutured" -- he dont like it becasuse it's flow and strucutre is too off...make it into stnazas ans ****..it'llmake more sense...
sorry im drunk nad im tryin to help, the typing osoff, but we'll be ok.

FA
10-23-2005, 12:31 AM
"i dont like how it's strutured" -- he dont like it becasuse it's flow and strucutre is too off...make it into stnazas ans ****..it'llmake more sense...
sorry im drunk nad im tryin to help, the typing osoff, but we'll be ok.

Aus_rock_god
10-23-2005, 12:31 AM
Eww, I didn't really like it dude. The "Denise" part was a little too repetive (when I say a little, I mean, a lot).

I'd spend more that 5 minutes on it dude.

FA
10-23-2005, 12:33 AM
drunk

Ishy
10-23-2005, 01:37 AM
Eww, I didn't really like it dude. The "Denise" part was a little too repetive (when I say a little, I mean, a lot).

I'd spend more that 5 minutes on it dude.


mmm ok

TojesDolan
10-23-2005, 05:21 PM
Holy **** crap, My former love of my life's name is Denisse! :eek: :eek:

wait. To many name repetitions. The long ones are boring. It's repetitive and dull.

jimbob2222
10-23-2005, 07:15 PM
the denises make my eyes bleed!

Ishy
10-23-2005, 08:42 PM
how about is someone rewrites it?

TojesDolan
10-23-2005, 11:05 PM
It'd take destroying about 3/4 of it. I don't want to.