Aria of the Sun's Hymn

[FA]

This is something i threw together quick, but i like it, I know it could use lots of work, but i want see what you all think of it now. It's to an indie lo-fi vibe to the likes of: Elliott Smith, Iron & Wine, Devendra Banhart, Norfolk & Western, and maybe even a death cab feel. Feel free to say whatever you'd like or give a full critique, thanks.

Aria of the Sun's Hymn
--justinbhughes

[Verse 1]
Let's leave our mark,
And impress the wet grass,
stamp the soil nimbly,
with our delicate footprints.

We'll play charades,
with blemished clouds,
Follow the sun, until,
Our eyelids surrender.

[Chorus]
You press soft fingertips,
against the somber window,
Scribbling soft hymnals,
against the clouded glass.

[Verse 2]
The sunrise wakes sorely,
In autumn clear skies,
Trees adjust colors,
Admitting past secrets.

Chasing shade into trees,
Hiding safely from the swelter,
Auburn marshes conceal the ponds,
Distant lights culminate the sky.

[Chorus]
You press your soft fingertips,
against the somber window,
Scribbling soft hymnals,
against the clouded glass.

[Verse 3]
Near Wexford park,
The sundial misleads,
You follow the early sunrise,
Only to discover the sunset.

Remember my fingerprints,
Grasp them in your palm,
We'll discover the sunset,
And whisper quiet gospels,
over broken bottles...

[DeadReligion]

[Verse 1]
Let's leave our mark,
And impress the wet grass,
stamp the soil nimbly,
with our delicate footprints.

We'll play charades,
with blemished clouds,
Follow the sun, until,
Our eyelids surrender.
^ Solid

You press soft fingertips,
against the somber window,
Scribbling soft hymnals,
against the clouded glass.
^ I don't like Choruses too much, but it's pretty solid, I like your wording.

The sunrise wakes sorely,
In autumn clear skies,
Trees adjust colors,
Admitting past secrets.

Chasing shade into trees,
Hiding safely from the swelter,
Auburn marshes conceal the ponds,
Distant lights culminate the sky.
^ The first and last two lines are good. I don't like how you mention trees twice, in different contexts in one verse.

Near the gray park,
The sundial misleads,
You follow the early sunrise,
Only to discover the sunset.

Remember my fingerprints,
Grasp them in your palm
Let's whisper quiet gospels,
over broken bottles...
^ My favorite verse by far, excellent. The last two lines were a great ender, and when you have no real rhyme scheme, and end with a rhyming couplet, it makes me feel better about the piece. Lol. Change this verse and be E-slapped. Lol. 8/10.

Please crit my song: The Hate Life Of A Water Drop...the opposite of my previous song, The Love Life Of A Flame, obviously.

[FA]

haha religion, i just revised it a bit, check it out again...
and where do i mention Trees twice? by auburn marshes i mean cat tails and weeds...it's a country thing..:P

if my revisions have done anything for you, tell me.

personally i think i like my first copy of the very last stanza better, but lemme know mate.

[DeadReligion]

Trees adjust colors,
Admitting past secrets.

Chasing shade into trees,
^ There, it just kind of annoys me...

You improved the 3rd Verse...good job. It's a GREAT verse. Oh by the way, the song I asked you to crit is only a few below yours if you haven't already gone to crit it, sorry, I didn't copy the link yet.

[TojesDolan]

Interesting, indeed.

I'll make something more thorough in the future,

[FA]

i just got done crit'ng it, but i agree with you on the "chasing shade into trees", i thought that as bland, i'll think of revising it.

[DeadReligion]

I edited mine too, if you could just take a second look at it...

[MidnightHysteria]

I'm not fond of the second verse.

Wait. Scratch that. By itself it's quite good, but it doesn't fit in with the rest of the piece.

Everything else is about "us" but that just describes nature. You should probably work the characters into that verse somewhere.

[slack]

I could do a line by line critique and tell you how great your imagery is and whatnot, but I'm afraid that's missing the forest for the trees. So I'm just going to offer my thoughts about the overall piece, which, aside from the sketchy grammar, is pretty decent. And yes, I do like the imagery. :)

Thing is, I've read this about three times now, and each time there was always something about it that nagged me. I think it's because it doesn't really go anywhere, instead, it's a descriptive moment in time. That's not necessarily a bad thing, though. If that's your style then that's your style, but I have to admit to feeling a little underwhelmed after reading this particular one. So my criticism is one hell of a criticism, in the sense that to "fix" this (which might not require fixing, after all), you'd have to go back and rework the entire thing.

So, taking it for what it is, I'd say it's pretty darn good. I just think it could be better if you'd try going somewhere with the scene, instead of spending so much time setting it up. What do I mean by going somewhere? Telling a story, illustrating a theme, something like that. Pink Floyd's Time is a good example. Yeah, it's a lofty one, but you catch my drift hopefully.

If you like numbers, then I'd say 90%