new song/ no name yet

[Fender324]

(Verse 1)
Head first in the shallow end
I remember like it was yesterday
You were so beautiful and dressed to kill

Falling in love was never so easy
Something about you made it feel so real
Before my eyes it ended far too soon

Promises you could never keep
Maybe you should have kept your mouth shut
But the hole in your hearts too deep
__________________________________________________ _________

(Chorus)
Here’s to all….
Of your loose-lipped friends
Equipped with all their senseless trends

You think you’re beautiful….
But inside you are fake and crying
Inside out your heart is dying out

And I know….
You miss me more than anything
You hate what you did to me
And nothing will ever be right
__________________________________________________ __________
(Verse2)
Hang on tight your plane is crashing
Buckle up I hope you said your prayers
I wont find you in the wreckage of your life

You had it all and now you lost it
Make yourself think that it was nothing
But why don’t you think again

Your personality is a ghost that haunts you
Pleasing people is what you do
Remember me when you ruin your whole life
__________________________________________________ __________

(Chorus)
__________________________________________________ ___________

[MidnightHysteria]

I recommend having your pieces a bit more completed before posting them. But about what was there, I thoroghly enjoyed the flow of the verses, although the wording in the first stanza of the second one is kinda clumsy. Other than the incomplete bits, the part that I think needs the most work is the chorus. For some reason, the way it seems to flow in my head doesn't match the stanza breaks. If I were writing this (which, of course, I'm not), it would be:

Here’s to all….
Of your loose-lipped friends
Equipped with all their senseless trends
You think you’re beautiful….
But inside you are fake and crying
Inside-out your heart is dying

without the final stanza, but of course I have no idea how that would go with the music you're using. Overall, I had some mixed feelings about it. I'd like to see a finished version. 5/10.

[Fender324]

Hey thanks,
I edited up the new version. Its basically complete with 2 verses. There will be more stuff like an outro but this is it. It is pretty much my first song. I have had a band with a couple friends for a while. Im ok with guitar my drummer is pretty good and the lead guitarist is really good. The founders which is my drummer and me want to make a demo and this is the first song i wrote. I have music in my head but I just wanted some advice on the lyrics. When I record it I will post it. Thanks

[Shady Ultima]

It's not bad, for a first song it's pretty good actually. I agree with Midnighthysteria about the Chorus and dropping the little last Chorus bit.
The verses are pretty good actually, with some good imagery used.

Crit my song - Exodus - please and thank you

[Fender324]

Thanks,
Ill check yours out. Anyone else?

[jimbob2222]

sounds goth, too many syllables, and chances are that if she did something bd to you that she doesnt miss you more than anything or feel bad i think your jealous sorry 4/10

[Fender324]

I dont know why you judge a song on a situation. Theres more variables in a relationship that can lead to someone missing someone after ditching them. Think about it...

[jimbob2222]

never thought about that.....i still think it sounds kind of goth whut with things like "dressed to kill" planes crashing ghosts and ruining her own life.....
i also didnt understand the last part of the chorus

sorry bout the mean comment i was kinda mad that day and i made like 4 bad comments to perfectly good songs .....im just a jerk sometimes like that lol