New song, no name yet - c4c

[Crimsonpunk]

This is something iv'e been dabbling with, has a cool folky sort of rythm to it, which i'll post up as soon as I get a recording. Any suggestions on the lyrics??
Iv'e sorted the flow out, so don't worry about that. Also, I used a chorus out of one of my old songs after chopping it a bit.

V1
This is the
Simplist tune I could think of
To explain the most
Complicated feelings that iv'e got
And there ain't much to it
Sure sounds pretty, don't it?
Comes across pretty well when I six-string four chords together like my fingers are on fire
Not concerned with the notes i'm using
Getting high, and taking breaks to play music
'Till it all comes crashing down like a badly built brick wall
On my run down street
Oh, and theres a dust-white cat that sits on the cracks
Yellow eyes that pierce right into my back
When I walk by so fast
You'd swear I was late, for running from something
And the pens my only friend, worst enemy, and evreything in between
Getting ink on my hand while i'm searching my pockets for letters someone left with me in a dream

v2.
I'm not a poet, at least not that i'm aware of
I hock up hackneyed lines evreytime I cough
This cigarettes not lit
And iv'e been sucking on it for the last six minutes
Been living under a rock
One of these days my heads gonna snap clean off
So please prop it up on the mantlepiece
Tormenting ornaments, untill I reach my peak
Iv'e got a pick that says 'heavy' on it
I could write heavy music, but I don't want it
I'd rather write something soft
So I can hear the shouts of 'get the FU>CK of my stage'

Chorus
(She said)
Step back, theres a crack in your act
Leave through the back with the facts still intact
This means to you what it means to me
So return, and burn in turn
Eternally and unconcerned
This means to you what it means to me

www.myspace.com/skunkedpunk

[slack]

Hey man, I really like this. It has a stream of conscious feel to it, and I can see it being sung to some quirky acoustic number. There's a couple areas where you could trim out some words, like in line 4, you could probably drop that, and here

Oh, and theres a dust-white cat that sits on the cracks

you can nix the bold. Other than that, it's pretty solid. The only other suggestion I have is that you might want to focus on fewer ideas/observations and really expand on them, and transition between them better. Sometimes you go from idea to idea pretty abruptly, for example, the line about the 'heavy' pick. That's a great idea, by the way, but most of it's potential is under-developed.

The weakest part is the chorus. The rhymes just don't do it for me; first of all, there's too many of them, and most of the words just don't fit. What I mean by that is it's obvious they're chosen because they rhyme, and not because it's the best word to use. I wouldn't do away with all of them, but you might consider dropping crack, and facts, and some others.

Overall, it's good stuff, though.

[Crimsonpunk]

Bump

[Crimsonpunk]

Bump

[njdhockey]

I like how the verses are simplistic in terms of the words. Nothing fancy but with a folk tune it would sound great. I listened to your myspace and if those songs are similar than these lyrics should fit the bill. The chorus is the best part in my opinion. I would tell you to maybe cut back on a word or two like that, but you say you have the flow figured out so that shouldn't be a problem. Look foward to hearing some of your stuff in the future.

[Crimsonpunk]

tankyou

[njdhockey]

If you have a second later crimsonpunk, would you mind criting my song Flaw (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=408713) because I need some more opinions on it.

[Imzachbrown]

This is something iv'e been dabbling with, has a cool folky sort of rythm to it, which i'll post up as soon as I get a recording. Any suggestions on the lyrics??
Iv'e sorted the flow out, so don't worry about that. Also, I used a chorus out of one of my old songs after chopping it a bit.

V1
This is the
Simplist tune I could think of
To explain the most
Complicated feelings that iv'e got
And there ain't much to it

I dont like this starting of it somewhat cliche.


Sure sounds pretty, don't it?
Comes across pretty well when I six-string four chords together like my fingers are on fire
Not concerned with the notes i'm using
Getting high, and taking breaks to play music
'Till it all comes crashing down like a badly built brick wall
On my run down street
Oh, and theres a dust-white cat that sits on the
Yellow eyes that pierce right into my back
When I walk by so fast
You'd swear I was late, for running from something
And the pens my only friend, worst enemy, and evreything in between
Getting ink on my hand while i'm searching my pockets for letters someone left with me in a dream

v2.
I'm not a poet, at least not that i'm aware of
I hock up hackneyed lines evreytime I cough
This cigarettes not lit
And iv'e been sucking on it for the last six minutes
Been living under a rock
One of these days my heads gonna snap clean off
So please prop it up on the mantlepiece
Tormenting ornaments, untill I reach my peak
Iv'e got a pick that says 'heavy' on it
I could write heavy music, but I don't want it
I'd rather write something soft
So I can hear the shouts of 'get the FU>CK of my stage'

Chorus
(She said)
Step back, theres a in your act
Leave through the back with the facts still intact
This means to you what it means to me
So return, and burn in turn
Eternally and unconcerned
This means to you what it means to me

. . /skunkedpunk
I love everything else. i like how u can write bout stuff most kids couldnt do a very good job at (the obvious).i dont really like how the chorus uses the same word for rhyming. thats bout my only crit. 9/10

[Crimsonpunk]

tankyou

[Heaven_N_Hell]

I liked it, its a nice laid back song almost self-critical. It's a nice, easy, read/listen :D. Sort of that detached observational rambling that I see a bit in Brand New.

[Crimsonpunk]

Thankyou sir, for comparing me to brand new