Ticks and soliloquys

[TojesDolan]

mmm...This is my best shot at using metaphors. As usual, my song has it's flaws, has it's touch of unfinished, and just overall, mediocre songwriting. Tell me what you think about it, and if you guess who (or what) was this dedicated to, you'll earn a digital cookie.

Ticks and soliloquies

It was your destiny to lay there, you see,
you weren't meant to achieve nothing great.
There you are, sighing, tired.
Your sweet revenge will come soon.
It's in the way that you embrace your death,
that your purpose has a meaning.

Your survival is our disgrace.
My dyslexia, my disease, is your chance to succeed.

The parasites that once fed of you,
that took advantage of you,
Didn't mind your spirit is gone.
They are still there,
living of our survival, your disgrace.

It was our stupid cold calculation,
It was your departure that made your loss so significant,
so necessary,
It's the pouring rain that washes your remains away,
from this earth,
we send you the thought, that you're not part of us anymore.

At least now we know you don't suffer anymore.

***

I'll crit, possibly, and you can do whatever with this.

[Nightvision]

I'll critique this soon... just writing something else, then I'll be on this. :)

[DeadReligion]

This makes me think of Terry Schiavo...that probably isn't who it's dedicated to, but still. It's really good too. Some of the lines are a little long, followed by short ones, but then again, I shouldn't be talking about that. Lol. 7/10.

[Muse_]

Ticks and sololoquys

It was your destiny to lay there, you see,
you weren't meant to achieve nothing great.
There you are, sighing, tired.
Your sweet revenge will come soon.
It's in the way that you embrace your death,
that your purpose has a meaning.
Weren't meant to achieve nothing great=Double negative.
So far its good, I have no idea what is going on yet but I like the word choice.


Your survival is our disgrace.
My dislexy, my disease, is your chance to succeed.
Ooh, like this part. Still don't know whats going on, I'm thinking it might be an STD or such that won't go away.

The parasites that once fed of you,
that took advantage of you,
Didn't mind your spirit is gone.
They are still there,
living of our survival, your disgrace.
Okay, this is the point in the piece that it should start to come together. You've yet to give the casual observer a clear idea of what is going on and where it is headed. Metaphores are great, so long as more than one person can appreciate their depth and complexity. Leave at least one easy connection to make the way for more.


It was our stupid cold calculation,
It was your departure that made your loss so singificant,
so necessary,
It's the pouring rain that washes your remains away,
from this earth,
we send you the thought, that you're not part of us anymore.
At least now we know you don't suffer anymore.
The sudden switch to "we", was it intentional? Puts me in mind of that song in Lord of the Rings where Gollum is kind of singing to himself.
If it was intentional, disregard this.
Still don't know exactly what was going on, though I suppose if you spelled it out it wouldn't be nearly as interesting.
This is a tiny bit lacking in cohesion and theme. You introduce quite a few ideas and images, but you don't really connect them and tie them all in in the end. I get the parasite to death/washing away bit I think...but perhaps think about putting in a bit near the end about the parasites again, just to make the title make more sense.




I'll venture a guess as to what this was about: A girl/boy who was dating a loser that was like a parasite?
Don't know, wasn't too clear. Try to work on that a bit.
Very nice poem otherwise, a bit dry in imagery, but with nice word choice and interesting combinations.
Good work. :cool:

[TojesDolan]

Say, thanks a lot. You haven't gotten it so far. The title is meant to be a "clue". Thanks a lot for the feedback so far, I'll go check whatever you have on. :)

[Muse_]

Say, thanks a lot. You haven't gotten it so far. The title is meant to be a "clue". Thanks a lot for the feedback so far, I'll go check whatever you have on. :)

My next guess is lyme disease then.
Don't bother looking for one of mine to crit, I've only posted one to date and its already been helped out. Perhaps later.

[TojesDolan]

My next guess is lyme disease then.
Don't bother looking for one of mine to crit, I've only posted one to date and its already been helped out. Perhaps later.
Alright, I own you then. :)

And no. Think of ticks... ticks... and soliloquys..

[Electric Riley]

1 entry found for soliloquys.
so·lil·o·quy ( P ) Pronunciation Key (s-ll-kw)
n. pl. so·lil·o·quies

A dramatic or literary form of discourse in which a character talks to himself or herself or reveals his or her thoughts without addressing a listener.
A specific speech or piece of writing in this form of discourse.
The act of speaking to oneself.

So... multiple personality disorder? Schitzophrenia?

I can't crack the code.

It was your destiny to lay there, you see,
you weren't meant to achieve nothing great.
There you are, sighing, tired.
Your sweet revenge will come soon.
It's in the way that you embrace your death,
that your purpose has a meaning.

Second line is a double negative. You sound like a hillbilly if you write like that. It ain't not good mate. The rest of it is all good, but it flows like a narrative, not a poem. I don't know why, but it sounds like it should all be one line. The writing is decent, nothing special. I don't really like the forth line.

Your survival is our disgrace.
My dislexy, my disease, is your chance to succeed.

Right. This is pretty good. not much to say... I like the word "dislexy".

The parasites that once fed of you,
that took advantage of you,
Didn't mind your spirit is gone.
They are still there,
living of our survival, your disgrace.

Once again, it flows like a monologue. As if someone is talking. That's not a bad thing, its just weird. Also, this is all getting a bit cryptic. I have no idea whats going on. I can see the mental illness likeness (if that's what it is), but really its quite confusing.


It was our stupid cold calculation,
It was your departure that made your loss so singificant,
so necessary,
It's the pouring rain that washes your remains away,
from this earth,
we send you the thought, that you're not part of us anymore.

At least now we know you don't suffer anymore.

I don't like "from this earth". The rest is pretty good. The end sounds good. Like death though. That imagery is pretty clear. I quite like this verse. Someone mentioned earlier something about Gollum and I can see that. Try to make the rest of the poem (story?) like this... somehow.

Overall, pretty good. Some interesting ideas and simple metaphores. Its mostly quite literal. Was that intended? Is that how you usually write? Anyway, thanks for the crit. So... have a good weekend.

[TojesDolan]

OK so I guess it's already time.

It's about a stray dog that lived across my school. Everyone felt sorry for the dog, because it was alone, it was all dried-up to the bones because he wasn't fed at all, and everyone always talked about that stupid dog. The day we foudn it dead, I went towards it and poked him. Everyone around said I was lacking of any kind of sympathy for the dog. But I never knew about it until it died. That's about the ticks. The soliloquies (thanks Riley :)) Is the overall structure of the poem-like-verse, In which I talk to myself about how stupid the dog's life was, and how it seemed like it was so big after it died, but no one ever fed the dog while it was alive.

The dyslexia (for some reason I spelled that wrong as well...) bit is more about my statistics test, where some random kid was ranting about being sick. I asked What you have a cold? and he said "no, i'm dyslexic". That worked as well with the idea (or so I think) Because of the relentless lack of compassion for the dog before death. After death, as in most of the cases happens, either people or animals, everyone cares about them.

Strange idea, sure. But I don't know. It seemed quite interesting. :)

[FA]

damn, the stray dog across from your school was my guess...now i'm too late.....sigh.

[Sloth]

Ticks and soliloquies interesting title.. Makes me guess at the piece. "ticks" is good because there are two possible meanings for it.. One-those horrible little bugs that drink people..****in ticks... Two- ticks can be associated with the random switches and such of Terrets Syndrome (sp?)...So I liked that..


It was your destiny to lay there, you see,
you weren't meant to achieve nothing great.
There you are, sighing, tired.
Your sweet revenge will come soon.
It's in the way that you embrace your death,
that your purpose has a meaning.
Taking out the 2nd line, which had already been addressed, the stanza's fine. It seems like SOMEONE read and practiced the the advice in that new guide by ATC..


Your survival is our disgrace.
My dyslexia, my disease, is your chance to succeed. I like the 3 D.. words and the internal rhyme..



The parasites that once fed of you,
that took advantage of you,
Didn't mind your spirit is gone.
They are still there,
living of our survival, your disgrace. This, in my opinion, is the lowpoint of the piece. Like Electric R. said, it reads like a monologue. I can't really put my finger on it with this stanza, it's just off and uncomfortable. The last line really "irks" me if you will... and I don't like the repeat of disgrace, it just doesn't fit for me.



It was our stupid cold calculation,
It was your departure that made your loss so significant,
so necessary,
It's the pouring rain that washes your remains away,
from this earth,
we send you the thought, that you're not part of us anymore.

At least now we know you don't suffer anymore.
it's apparent you gave attention to the structure here more than the other stanzas in this piece. I really like how you don't directly mention the dog in this piece.. honestly, if you did do that, I'd probably stop reading and make fun of you....or something along the lines of that.. But you didn't mention that, so you're ok.. All in all, it seems like you were really trying something new. Taking the guide's advice and actually practicing it.. That's awesome, I needa do that.. So props for that.. Nice use of metaphor.. Keep em coming.. cheers :chug:

[Biancazzurri]

your presentation of a story and thoughts about that dog is supreme. and that is no a weird theme at all... as you said suddenly every one cares about the deadman.. but i always say that i don't care coz didn't know him while others make a soap opera about this