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Dancin' Man
10-21-2005, 08:41 AM
Rap.
The written end lines are for the sake of poetry while the slashes show the functional end lines

The Reason Why Back Stoops and Soup Kitchens Were Invented
new title

I’ve never known where the sun is supposed to rise
Never cared./
I know where it sets though,
I lived there./
I’ve got a map with a red x and black lines convening
On the center,/ the legend said we’re allied
Enter dragon lair/

Now I strap a GPS to my back so
I can calculate my position./
It weighs down my stance,
My posture’s negative
Disposition /
Is ignored for the sake of
Riding around the carousel/
With the hopes I’ll someday lift
Barbells/
To videos of trim women
Stair stepping/
I’ll need a couch so I can sit back,
Get wax spitting/

We get ripped for the sake of
Forgetting/
Every memory we've had about our moral's
constant tickling/
We'd cut of our legs if it means we don't have to walk/
But thanks to hunger pangs,
our bodies are already stuck in shock/

For every car I’ve ever driven
I’ve wondered 10 states
In search of reason./
As they come, I interpret my thoughts on a basis of
mood, integrity and season/
It’s unreasonable to think that I should move/
I’m plastered to the spot here with Gideon
And Gulliver and that's the truth/
My mind runs marathons
Backwards, twist tied to steeples/
I sit on benches with men in suits collecting
Penance for past sins
While bickering into cell phones with other faithless people/
I’m here for the souls left over/
After those with lives
Get smitten by Russel Stoeffer/
I did that once
But now I’m dead/
I sleepwalk you’re pets to get/
Nickels and dimes and trusts/
So when your kiddies are sleeping
I invade the fortress/ - take my last paycheck
Morality here is cheap/ so I cash in on
Life’s greatest mystery/

We get ripped for the sake of
Forgetting/
Every memory we've had about our moral's
constant tickling/
We'd cut of our legs if it means we don't have to walk/
But thanks to hunger pangs,
our bodies are already stuck in shock/

We hate roaming and eating cold meals
So me and the thousand gypsies call this place home/
We’ve never had a whole lot of
Come on in/
We’ll find you a bed
So you and a faceless hooker can spin/
Bottles at each other and sneak peaks at private parts/
On the internet these girls don’t have all the
Scars/
Well I’ll be, not once did you kiss me/
It’s alright she said
Your conversation was weak/
For every minute passed in the reddened dungeon/
I have to end up at another church
With other faithless souls sharing
A silent luncheon/
With other faithless souls sharing
Our worst memory over coffee and cigarettes/
With other faithless souls
Smoking stealing and building regrets/
With other Faithless souls
Grabbing preteens through backdoors/
They way they’re raised they’ll thank you Lord/
That second boy will be surprised/
She knows what happens when you
Rhyme thighs with cries/

We get ripped for the sake of
Forgetting/
Every memory we've had about our moral's
constant tickling/
We'd cut of our legs if it means we don't have to walk/
But thanks to hunger pangs,
our bodies are already stuck in shock/

We’re never really getting out of here
But our bellies will grow/
As they eat up what we should already know/
About table manners, legal status and the pulling of hair/
Like I said before, this isn’t safe ground
It’s a dragon's lair/

ShakeyAir
10-21-2005, 03:35 PM
I really like the story it tells.

It was kind of boring first read-through, and I just read it since I wanted to finish it, since I know you're other songs are pretty sweet. And I thought it was all just..bland. Then I kind of thought a bit more, and it's actually pretty freaking awesome.

Then i went back and tried rapping it, and the whole boring part was probably that I was subconsciously putting a rock kind of thing to it. Especially since I've never seen a rap song written out that wasn't AABBCCDD etc in the verses. That threw me.

All in all, it's definitely good as a whole. I don't know about the parts. Maybe. Maybe I'd like it better if you have a chorus that can tie things together with some hooks in there.

Sorry if something in the critique seems wierd, someone called me partway through and I'm still on the phone with them.

TojesDolan
10-21-2005, 04:45 PM
I'll rate. probably.

Get back to you soon.

Dancin' Man
10-23-2005, 08:16 PM
'll crit you I swear, I've just been busy this weekend.

HomeCatMickey8
10-23-2005, 08:48 PM
I didn't really understand the allover meaning (I never do understand your songs), but you wrote some pretty words... especially for rap. I'm gonna go over it again to search for that hidden message type thing.

Dancin' Man
10-25-2005, 08:45 AM
dubyateeeff

EmoMagnum
10-25-2005, 11:05 AM
DubyaTeeEff is the right word. It was good, and if one looks at it without a knowledge that all Rap -isnt- this sh!tty 50Cent MTVRap/Pop stuff, they can see that for themselves. I read through it trying to find abit of a rhythm to rap it to, but couldnt. And the rhythm is basically the most important part of rapping. You can write rhymes with barn-burning potential, but without a flow its just a jumble of words. I really like it though.

8/10

HomeCatMickey8
10-25-2005, 03:43 PM
I didn't mean it like that... I'm just not used to hearing rap with that vivid of stories. I enjoy a lot of rap, so I ain't hatin'.

Dancin' Man
10-25-2005, 03:59 PM
I didn't think so at all. I should probably go through and notate where the rhythm breaks are. It's currently formatted for content, not actual use.

Crimsonpunk
10-27-2005, 09:05 PM
Nice piece. Youv'e got some really great imagery and original ideas, the idea of coffee and cig's is a bit cliched, but it's no big deal

Dancin' Man
10-27-2005, 09:25 PM
Yeah, it was just the best way for me to say group meeting without saying... group meeting.

ITRIEDVOODOOONCE
10-27-2005, 09:36 PM
black dot for tommorow, tired.
but with a skim through, seems like you got yourself a ton of little great grind songs.

peaveyrules
10-27-2005, 09:55 PM
I really do like this piece. Some of the lines really stood out to me and made complete sense, and you seemed to have worded it perfectly. I don't really like the 2nd stanza of lines, but other than that I personnely wouldn't change a thing if it were mine.

Crimsonpunk
10-28-2005, 06:53 PM
Take a hint from the mighty alk3

'And we talked so much, I think we filled this ashtray twice
And i'm pretty sure we emptied every bottle in the place'

RollerQueen
10-28-2005, 08:41 PM
4th stanza - "wandered" instead of "wondered;" possibly "your" and not "you're" in the same stanza

That was happy piece. What to say... The sixth stanza is the best as it addresses the conflict most directly whereas the others seem to hint at it more than confront it, flowing well from the start of the fourth stanza. That GPS reference made me wince, though, but that's me not liking technological references in lyrics; ignore that comment if you want. More than anything, I'd say that this is a bit overlong without meriting the length/staying as fresh as it could, which is just a matter of editing to remove or revise. The subject that you're writing about is nothing new, so the lengths you go to express the issues are unnecessary as presented here. Still, it's far from bad. Good good night.

Dancin' Man
10-28-2005, 09:12 PM
It was supposed to be Wondered. It's a little play with words. I did screw up the you're though.


Thanks a ton for all the feed back.

RollerQueen
10-29-2005, 11:07 AM
Ah... Gotcha. A bit weird, but I apologize for calling it out like that.