What does everyone think?

[rialb]

Here is my song i have started to write. Its only my first ideas but hopefully its well written, please tell me what u reckon

My face is who i am
I dont think that i will try
To release all of the thoughts ive crammed
So deep inside my mind

My face is what I need
To get me through the day
I have no need for love or hate
'Cos my face takes care of me

Chorus
Ooh so much for superstition
I feel the colours mixing in my mind
Please tell me im still in the same place.....same place
The left, the right, the centre
They are all so familiar to me
I want to be with something, and thats my face...my face


Any suggestions for improvements or critiques would be appreciated

[Blue Light Special]

The third lines of your two verses are rather different. You may want to try to keep them closer to the same rhythym, if you are to try to sing it with the same music.

[MidnightHysteria]

I'm not sure I understand the obsession with your face, but that shortcoming is probably on my end. Still, if you're gonna talk about your face, how about going around it giving metaphors and/or imagery to all the various features (eyes, nose, lips, any scars you have, whatever).

[Electric Riley]

Fistly, I hate the structure of the first stanza. It does not flow, and you're not saying enough. The second line has no meaning, so its unnecessary. Work on that.

I love the theme of this song. The "my face" lines are spectacular, especially

"I have no need for love or hate
'Cos my face takes care of me"

I love that line. Its sweet and simple.

I like how you've written the chorus as it would sound in a song. It helps with the flow, even if it makes it sound a little odd when just read.

Well done overall, just work on the first stanza.

[Aus_rock_god]

"My face is what I need
To get me through the day
I have no need for love or hate
'Cos my face takes care of me"

Sorry, everytime I ready that 'me' sounds like 'meh' in my head, because of the word 'day' two lines before it. I wouldn't change it, but it might cause problems if you give it to someone else to sing... might.

All in all, I like it. It flows really well. I like the face idea, it's like you're saying that your personality is attached like any part of your body, so no matter what you can't change who you are, but that's okay because yourself is all you need, or somthing like that.

... either that or I'm way off...

[rhcp a test of time]

wow, I read this and then I sung it aloud and it flows very well as a song
I definately agree that using some metaphors about your face's features would enhance this very much