Indifference

[Electric Riley]

Crit for crit, of course. Leave a link and I'll be sure to get back to you.

Indifference - Electric Riley

When she sits softly in her room
The world is her battlefield
There's only indifference
As she moves the pawns to set up moves
To take the pawns and snatch the prize
A bloody battlefield of lies

When she sits silently in her room
There is only indifference
No feelings or emotions run
As she breaks backs to take captures
To make attacks to break enemies
Far from silence or serenity

As the strains clash inside her head
A battle between caring and indifference
She sits inside her room
And fights the bloody battle
Till the silence splinters

Stark chords mark a defeat of kinds
And emotions join the playing field
And stamp their mighty feet
And shake their mighty fists
And indifference cowers

[rialb]

I like the fact that there are two sides to the song, one of tranquility and one of action. What is the underlying symbolism relating to, may i ask? To me the song is about some kind of inner anxiety, and i think the lyrics successfully reflect that. I like the constant reference to battle. Being a fan of anything medieval, i enjoy the aspect of conflict in all mediums. The juxtaposition of battle and silence also makes an interesting, but very welcome, portrayal of internal betrayal and guilt

This is my song...thanks http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=405267

[Blue Light Special]

Great song. A story of internal conflict. I honestly do not see much of this.

I like a lot of the imagery, the one of chess pieces and the likes.

I only see a couple of things that seem a little weird. The first two verses have a different structure than the last two. And the last two are completely different from each other. To me (although I did not write it), it seems you are using the first two verses in order to establish the idea. The third one then builds to the last one, where everything is resolved. Now, in order for the third verse to actually build up, like you want it to, the second line needs to be shorter. It needs less syllables.

But overall this is rather good.

Emotion: 9
Imagery: 10
Word Usage: 9
Flow: 7
Topic: 10

Overall: 9/10

[MidnightHysteria]

Intriguing. Quite intriguing.

Good work, but I don't dig the opening line of the final stanza. I don't really get the reference to the "stark chords" and the phrase "a defeat of kinds" just sounds weird to me.

[Electric Riley]

Thanks. You guys want me to leave comments? Just gimme a link.

Anyone else? Crit for crit.

[TojesDolan]

I'm on the front page. You'll see me, eventually. I'll make this a thorough critique as I feel the opinion on this is diverse...

When she sits softly in her room
The world is her battlefield
There's only indifference
As she moves the pawns to set up moves
To take the pawns and snatch the prize
A bloody battlefield of lies
Interesting. The metaphore is alright, but I don't like the premise behind it. A female character struggling against herself... but it has a certain something that doesn't appeal to me. More metaphors, maybe.

When she sits silently in her room
There is only indifference
No feelings or emotions run
As she breaks backs to take captures
To make attacks to break enemies
Far from silence or serenity
I found that bolded line a little clichéd... maybe try something around that line, but worded differently, I suppose. The rest is good.

As the strains clash inside her head
A battle between caring and indifference
She sits inside her room
And fights the bloody battle
Till the silence splinters

FFFFFFFFFlow problems here, mate. It doesn't do the trick, at least for me. "caring and indifference" those are a little too long. Maybe separate them, put something between them and form a new line...

Stark chords mark a defeat of kinds
And emotions join the playing field
And stamp their mighty feet
And shake their mighty fists
And indifference cowers

Too much and!'s. I liked it, don't get me wrong, But I think it could really get some work on it. You should really focus on a)metaphores b)more vivid imagery and c) flow issues should be taken care of. It was good, but it was just bare-bones to me. A lot of potential, indeed. :)

[theredwonder]

The general feel i get about this song is a girl protesting her indifference, basically lying through her teeth. Then letting the emotions get in, and the ensuing battle between her two states of mind. Kick me if i'm wrong.

When she sits softly in her room
The world is her battlefield
There's only indifference
As she moves the pawns to set up moves
To take the pawns and snatch the prize
A bloody battlefield of lies

I'd suggest switching the second and third lines round here. It doesn't greatly affect the feel of the stanza, and helps it fit the structute of your later verses. I don't like the fourth and fifth lines. The idea is too straight forward, and the repetition of pawns doesn't help. Quite a nice ending though.

When she sits silently in her room
There is only indifference
No feelings or emotions run
As she breaks backs to take captures
To make attacks to break enemies
Far from silence or serenity

The fourth line isn't worded well, especially take captures. Again i like your final line, but what leads up to it doesn't match up. Try and veer away from the cliché lines. The ideas are fine, but the way they're presented don't grab me as original.

As the strains clash inside her head
A battle between caring and indifference
She sits inside her room
And fights the bloody battle
Till the silence splinters

First line rubs me up the wrong way, i think due to the word strains doesn't seem to fit. bloody battle already seems to be getting old by this point, i'd find a way around using it. Nice finish again.

Stark chords mark a defeat of kinds
And emotions join the playing field
And stamp their mighty feet
And shake their mighty fists
And indifference cowers

Despite the repetition of and i think this is my favourite stanza. I like the idea behind it very much, but again your repeated wording let's you down. Once i've read one line i feel like i've read them all, which doesn't want me to carry on with the rest of the piece.


Overall i think you need to rework this. It doesn't strike me as something i'd like to listen to more than once. I hope my critique didn't seem overly harsh, keep at it and it'll come together.

[HigHPunK]

I really liked this song. Your vocabulary and flow work really well together, some people can't pull that off. They'll bust out the million dollar words and it just sounds like im choking trying to get it through. I'd like to hear the music, might smooth out the end for me. 8/10, good work.

Thanks if you can crit mine:http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=9995726#post9995726