have a look

[sean09]

http://www.seanroche.net/02Track.wma

theres an mp3 of the song and music together so you can hear.


i remember when we were young
nothing could break us apart
two times was just too much
so let it go.. let us go

you were there when i asked for you
and i am here for you too
but its over now before it began
its over now

now we're playing on the same field
dont stab my back cos i'll break yours
your treating this like household chores
your running the wrong way from me
from me

and everytime i look at you
hearts get broken into two
for the stupid little things that you like to do

like f*cking around on me
on me
on me

like f*cking around on me

so twist my heart and make it bleed (bleed)
strangle my throat so i can't breathe
plenty for the fool (im not a fool)
im not afraid my dignity will wash me right away
away... away...

everytime i look at you
hearts get broken into two
for the stupid little things that you like to do

like f*cking around on me (me)
on me


last night was the last night
i'll tell you this right now
im moving on
im moving out
dont twist this sh*t round

your f*cking around on me
your f*cking around on me (on me on me)


so twist my heart and make it bleed (twist my heart)
strangle my throat so i can't breathe (twist my heart)
plenty for the fool (im not a fool) (twist my heart)
im not afraid my dignity will wash me right away (oh oah oah woah oah oh)
watch.. me rot away

[sean09]

how come everyone replies to other peoples threads and not mine :(

[Nightvision]

have you been critiquing others' work?

[slack]

have you been critiquing others' work?

Yeah, what a laugh that is. Critiquing other people's work is no gurantee that they will return the favour.

Regarding this lyric, it's not terribly bad, but it's not that great either. Relationships and heartbreak is ground that's already been covered, so it's not interesting unless you put a spin on it. There's also no imagery, so ... for a reader that means nothing to visualise, nothing to experience.

So, ...

cliche subject matter and
no imagery

are the two forces working against this piece. You can write well, but I'm afraid that's the easy part. I'd suggest putting more thought into the subject matter for the next one. Experiment.

[Nightvision]

sadly, that is often the case here... the best advice I can offer there is to leave a link in your post asking them to crit yours.

Sadly, it's now at the point where most of the regs (I include myself in this, I guess) very rarely crit anything by a user they don't recognise, placing the onus on the n00b to make the first crit. Not ideal, I acknowledge, but it's the only way to guarantee both users get critiqued.

[TojesDolan]

meh, that works actually. Critiquing is the best way to get critiqued. I went out for... what? 2 weeks and a half? and I posted a song, hoping that it'd get rated because I was... well. Me. Anyhow, I only got 2 responses, and that's it, but I hadn't critiqued in a while, so that stands a reason.

Critiquing is the best way. ALWAYS.

now we're playing on the same field
dont stab my back cos i'll break yours
your treating this like household chores
your running the wrong way from me
from me

so twist my heart and make it bleed (bleed)
strangle my throat so i can't breathe
plenty for the fool (im not a fool)
im not afraid my dignity will wash me right away
away... away...

I found those ones particularly witty for some reason. Outside of there, the song is full of been-there's, done-that's and what not. I'd reccomend reading some of the articles running around, and well. Writing. This business is almost full of hits and misses, and usually it's more misses. so good luck and keep trying. :thumb:

[El Squeego]

What's the style? What's the genre of music?

On the whole, it feels to me to be kind of emo-pop. Like something Good Charlotte or My Chemical Romance would play. It begins very mediocre and safe in style, but suddenly the chorus hits you with angrier imagery and a different tone. It's somewhat hard to interpret, so I'd suggest making a few notes as to what style and theme you're using.

Rework, rework, rework. It's all I can say.

[sean09]

http://www.seanroche.net/02Track.wma

theres an mp3 of the song and music together so you can hear.

thanks for the comments.