Echoes in the Chalk

[theredwonder]

This piece needs a lot more work, but this is my first draft. Criticise constructively please.

Echoes in the Chalk

I woke fully clothed
A testimony of innocence
Yet, a trail of blankets stumbling, an open door
Too blind to feel the cold amuse my senses

I still shiver without a touch
Wrap empty sheets around my hands
Smell nothing but stagnant echoes

I woke fully clothed
The sorry outcome of hesitance
But a taste of goodbye, I search for more
Desperate for violations to subdue my suspense

I still shiver without a touch
Wrap empty sheets around my hands
Smell nothing but stagnant echoes

I rise without a touch
Release the sheets from round my hands
Smell nothing

EDITED: I had to change a line so it would fit with music, but i didn't like it anyway.

[Electric Riley]

Echoes in the Chalk

I woke fully clothed
A testimony of innocence
Yet, a trail of blankets stumbling, an open door
Too blind to feel the cold amuse my senses

Righty-ho. A very well written but confused introduction. Lines 1 and 3 match, likewise to lines 2 and 4, but together they sound odd. The last line take some moments to comprehend, seeing the way you've used "amuse". I like it, but it may need some work on the linking of idea.

I still shiver without a touch
Wrap empty sheets around my hands
Smell nothing but stagnant echoes

This is fantastic. Very vivid imageries and a hollow feeling. It's actually quite haunting. I wouldn't change anything, except maybe (seriously maybe) add "I still" to the start of second line. That would make it flow better and connect it all up.

I woke fully clothed
The sorry outcome of hesitance
But a taste of goodbye welcomes, I search for more
Desperate for violations of the skin

Nice repetition of the first line. Excellent second line. Third line doensn't make much sense to me. I had to read and re-read it several times to gain any meaning. Maybe work on that. The last line is very odd. It gives an exact imagery, a sterilized lusting view. I like it in context, but it sounds very awkward on its own.

I rise without a touch
Release the sheets from round my hands
Smell nothing

Nice ending, tidies everything up and whatnot.

Overall, very good work. I like your use of imagery and word choice. Perhaps work on the linking together-ness and the flow. Also, you could have had another stanza or two.

8.5/10

Can you please crit "Indifference" http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=405259

[factor46]

Haven't seen you in awhile red. Nice to have you back. :D


I woke fully clothed
A testimony of innocence
Yet, a trail of blankets stumbling, an open door
Too blind to feel the cold amuse my senses

The main question I asked myself when I read this, was, how can blankets stumble? Unless you purposely worded that line with confusing punctuation, or if you used the word "stumble" in a way that completely went over my head, that doesn't make much sense. But besides that, this was a nice way to intro the song. I like the imagery you set here.


I still shiver without a touch
Wrap empty sheets around my hands
Smell nothing but stagnant echoes

Another stanza with lines that sound and flow really good, but don't make sense. To me at least. The common person would have a hard time making sense of "smelling echoes". Echoes are an audible thing, not able to be smelled. As you hopefully already know. :lol: The stanza is overall nice however. It brings a very eerie, silent, imagery. A quiet, yet anxious tone is set here. Nice job.


I woke fully clothed
The sorry outcome of hesitance
But a taste of goodbye welcomes, I search for more
Desperate for violations of the skin

I like the repetition of the first line. I like the whole thing here. Nice wording, good flow, excellent part of the song.


I rise without a touch
Release the sheets from round my hands
Smell nothing

Once again, the repetition of the words from another stanza works nicely here, and the edited portion of the lines finish the song beautifully.


Overall, you did a great job with this song. My only complaints have already been stated. Some of the lines just didn't make sense to me. But that's alright, I'm sure you know what you meant. As long as you're happy with your piece, that's all that really matters. :thumb:

[Blue Light Special]

I think the song is rather confused and congested all over. It seems to me like some of the imagery and ideas to convey your point could be brought together more clearly. But, you have a great song and a great idea in the making, it just needs some tweaking here and there.

[MidnightHysteria]

This song makes me feel like I'm on drugs. I leave it up to you to decide if that's good or bad.

[KillaBink]

Verse 1:
-Love it. Those first two lines already set the stage for seclusion. The last two, well, set the cold, brittle scene. Although I do enjoy a simple ryhme, you manage to work around that nicely without getting artsy, simple without ryhme.

Chorus:
-I like where you're going with this. Thought it was just ok, but then I got to the second chorus and it's a continuation of the first, pretty cool.

Verse 2:
-Not too much to say about this one. Same approach as the first verse and you pull it off just right. And the line, 'Desperate for violations of the skin' is definitely a keeper.

Chorus:
-I like the same but different thing going on with the choruses. They tie in nicely.

Overall, you convey a cold, empty, missed out in life feeling, and touched upon it nicely without sounding like a whiney bitch, which is very rear. Almost as if you were man enough to put the blame on yourself. Thumbs up.

[Sloth]

Echoes in the Chalk The title is very intriguing, makes the reader think of how chalk can possibly echo.. definately pulls the reader in.. nice



I woke fully clothed
A testimony of innocence
Yet, a trail of blankets stumbling, an open door
Too blind to feel the cold amuse my senses hmm.. I'm not sure about this.. I wouldn't think that waking up with all of your clothes on would be a testimony of innocence, I would think quite the opposite. If I woke up with all of my clothes on I'd think, "what the hell did I do last night?" I really like the last line


I still shiver without a touch
Wrap empty sheets around my hands
Smell nothing but stagnant echoes "without a touch" doesn't seem very significant. I shiver without anything touching me, I shiver WITH stuff touching me....maybe I'm missing your point. (no response for line 2)... I really like this third line..Stagnant fits perfectly, good word choice. And smelling echoes really makes you question the meaning. :thumb:



I woke fully clothed
The sorry outcome of hesitance
But a taste of goodbye welcomes, I search for more
Desperate for violations of the skin This continues the idea presented in the fist stanza. I really like the first 3 lines, very nice.. But the fourth line feels off.. It really complements your running idea of seeing and looking for clues and such, but, maybe it's just me being a douche....but it feels uncomfortable.


I rise without a touch
Release the sheets from round my hands
Smell nothing this certainly wraps up the piece...but not as well as I'd hoped. You had such a firm feeling and idea going throughout the piece, but here it comes up short. Except for the third and final line, this stanza doesn't feel the same as the rest of the piece. I suppose I'd have to hear the actual song to make a fair judgement about this, but by just reading it, this stanza doesn't do the rest of the piece justice... Overall, it's a great piece..but that last stanza could be better.

[slack]

I have to agree with Factor here. As a whole, it doesn't make much sense, but I really enjoyed parts of it. I hate being in that position, because a clever turn of phrase that I like could mean something totally different in the context of the entire lyric. So I always try and understand the whole thing first. Needless to say, this poses a challenge for me.

My criticism is basically that your imagery needs to be clarified. There is a lot of good wordplay here; enough to keep me interested throughout the entire lyric, despite not understanding it. Line 2 basically communicates nothing to me, because I don't know why the subject is "a testimony of innocence", or why a testimony of innocence looks like a fully clothed subject.

Lines 3-4 are worded pretty awkwardly; butchered, grammatically speaking. I still enjoyed them, however, mostly due to the strength of line 4. The stumbling of line 3 seems out of place. Blankets stumbling is not exactly a vivid image.

I think stanza 2 and 4 are worded great. This is where I feel like I'm beginning to understand the lyric. The subject is cold, presumably in more ways than just the physical. Isolated. Senses dulled by frigidity. Maybe I'm way off.

S2, L3: same old story. I don't understand how echoes can be smelled, unless you mean for echoes to be synonymous with memories. That's basically all they are, anyway--mental echoes. That'd be a cool way to put it, if this was what you were intending.

I might be stretching here, but the more I think about the references to clothing, the more I think the clothing is supposed to mean armour, or a shield. You know, something protective, furthering the idea of isolation. S3, L4 seems to reinforce this, and it's also worded well. One of my favourite lines in the lyric, actually.

So where does this leave us? Suffice to say, this one got me thinking, which is always a good thing. And like I said, I really didn't understand this after an initial read, but I still read and enjoyed it, which has got to count for something. If my thoughts are even nearly correct, then the only question I have is why. Why is this subject cold, isolated, and longing? Why should we care? I dunno.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading your response.
Good stuff.

[theredwonder]

Thanks for all the critiques, very helpful and i always enjoy reading how people perceive my songs. Since a lot of it wasn't understood i'll try and explain my thoughts behind some of the lines that caused some confusion.

Just one quick point before i move into it -

Echo - A remnant or vestige

Echoes aren't just sounds :)

I woke fully clothed
A testimony of innocence

Usually when i wake fully clothed it means i haven't done anything... involving other people who might not at that time be wearing clothes. The reason i think this might cause some confusion is if people look at the phrase in it's "legal" sense, which wasn't intended. Hope that clears that a little.

Yet, a trail of blankets stumbling, an open door

The grammatical mess in this line is present for two reasons. Firstly because i had just read the Songwriting guide : Imagery, Metaphor, Mood thread and thought i'd try out some of the ideas. Secondly i thought it would help create that just woke up feeling, when your thinking is in short bursts and not particularly coherent. I used the words blankets stumbling to keep with the song's general theme of echoes. Not that the blankets are actually stumbling, but are left in a position that represents someone stumbling. Hope that all makes sense.

stagnant echoes

The word stagnant has two main meanings, most of which seemed to fit perfectly (for me) as an adjective here. The word means "stale" or "unmoving" which (because i've smelt it so many times before) is exactly what the smell of this person is. I've smelt it so many times, but still it never gets me anywhere. Again, i'm not sure if that'll make sense, but i hope it helps.

But a taste of goodbye welcomes, I search for more
Desperate for violations of the skin

Here i'm referring waking in the morning and tasting something on your lips. In this case the taste of someone's goodbye kiss on your lips, greeting you as you wake. This last line, as some people have noticed, was very difficult. I wanted to convey a certain idea and this way was the best way i could find. I'll probably change it.

I rise without a touch
Release the sheets from round my hands
Smell nothing

The first line is the only line i'm personally not happy with here. In this stanza i'm trying to convey the idea of moving on, forgetting about it all and getting myself together, or "getting up".


Well i hope that all helps to understand it better. There are also some other concepts present behind the lines, but i can't explain everyone. It would take too long, and mainly because... i just can't. I try to view songs as poetry, and poetry should speak for itself. Anyway, thanks again for the critiques, i shall return some shortly.