Killing Swans

[littletom]

Ok this is an acoustic song about guilt, based on a dream I had. Let me know what you think.

It was a memorable night
The night I threw away my life
I went down to the ponds
Took my gun and shot some swans

And I know that I can’t make it right this time

I watched the water turn blood red
And every single swan was dead
Ashamed of all the things I’ve done
I don’t know why I bought this gun

And I know that I can’t make it right this time

As I stood there someone must have seen
There’s were sirens, I could hear them scream
So I panicked and ran for the trees

As I hid some time was bought
But before long until I was caught

[Prince of Darkness]

LAME-O!!!

jokes jokes. It's good, seriously.

Just didn't like the 'water turn blood red;And every single swan was dead' part. What the fuk do you dream about!?

nice. 7.5/10

[REAL_FOB/TBS/BN_FAN]

Im reading it and dont know what it is about. Even though i have no clue what you are trying to say im gunna give this a 7/10 for effort.

Explain the dream and it could boost up that rating, but overall nice effort.

[littletom]

Yeah the "water turn blood red: and every single swan was dead" is a bit weak. I'll probably change it when I think of another rhyme.

As for what I dream about: I dream about killing swans. What can I say, I must have eaten cheese before bed or something. :)

I have used it as a metaphor though, sort of, but I'm not sure I want to really explain it. Not to compare myself to Radiohead of David Bowie (as that would be really arrogant) but I like trying to work out what Pyramid Song or Life and Mars is about even though I never have any idea. I suppose I just aspire to confusing people.

[telecaster67]

it's good, could i remake the last verse, you dont have to use it but just for and idea

[flywithdiamonds]

Sorry adolescent humour just doesn't do it for me, I've got nothing to offer you, advice wise about your piece that may be of any use to you, but I felt obliged to comment as you requested it.

P.s. Sort your grammar out

[Ezuma]

Overall, a really weird song, probably not one I'd enjoy listening to, but not a bad shot for a song based on a dream, anything's better than Purple Haze.

It was a memorable night
The night I threw away my life
I went down to the ponds
Took my gun and shot some swans

I like this first verse, it sets the scene, and tells us what's about to happen, but I disagree with the use of "it was a memorable night," it seems as if the storyteller is happy he threw away his life.

And I know that I can’t make it right this time

I'm not one for defining/noticing figurative language so I'll assume it is figurative langage and leave it alone.

I watched the water turn blood red
And every single swan was dead
Ashamed of all the things I’ve done
I don’t know why I bought this gun

That verse is actually really good, I like it.

As I stood there someone must have seen
There’s were sirens, I could hear them scream
So I panicked and ran for the trees

As I hid some time was bought
But before long until I was caught

This verse/stanza confuses me, it starts off, ending the story (<< did that make sense) but then it just ends with 'before long I was caught.' I dunno what you could put here but it just confuses me.

[littletom]

Thanks for all the comments.

Feel free to rewrite the last verse if you really want Telecaster but I probably won't use it.

Flywithdiamonds, it's not really supposed to be funny and you'd probably realise that if you heard me play it but I take no offence. Also if my grammar is bad that's either because my school English teacher was incompetent or because I had to twist words around to make them fit the timing and rhyme scheme.

I suppose you're maybe right about "memorable" sounding a bit positive. I didn't mean it to be, I just meant memorable because it was so significant to the person's life. I'll probably change it.

The last bit ends the story by saying someone saw, told the police and the storyteller ran and hid. Then the last two lines are just confirming that the police caught him. If this was a poem I suppose they're a bit superfluos but as its a song they fit the music. Trust me. I could then write another verse saying how he was dragged to prison or something but then I felt the song would be dragging on a bit and I prefered to just end it with him being caught. Has that clarified it?

One more thing, what did you mean by "I'm not one for defining/noticing figurative language so I'll assume it is figurative langage and leave it alone."

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Wow, this has to be one of the top ten songs that I will always remember that has been posted on this forum. Honestly, I have never heard of such a song. This is original and **** near perfect. How it talks about guilt, and some kind of fear is just awsome. I really didnt see anything wrong with this song, and if you were to ever release it, I would have to say that I would most likely be the first one to buy the single. Great job and keep it up. 9.6/10. :thumb:

[littletom]

Crikey. Thanks a lot. I'll post another song later.

[jade858907]

Ok um. This is orginal? I guess, lol, The rhyming is way amature, it really needs to be lengthened out. And why did you go get the gun, what made you "throw away your life" (oh and by the way that was a funny turn, I thought itd be a happy suicide song! lol, that was cool tho.) Explain a little bit more in detail then I think this could be pretty sweet. Sorry it took so long and sorry it isnt a in-depth but I have to get ready for work! Thanks for at least taking a look at mine. ~Jade (come up with some more I can look over! :D )