“Secstasy”

[Sloth]

Haven't posted anything new for a while...so here's this.. And don't give me the "put the thesaurus down" bull****.. ok? thanks..
crits are neat :naughty:


-_-
“Secstasy”


I waded through stark smiles and
hollow hellos to a balcony
overlooking a tenebrous city.
Your vague look of pain
disappoints your effulgent beauty,
but I'm stuck in inchoate lust.
My puerile nod of ambiguous
recognition is soon lost in my
segue of light hearts and heavy words;
Stoically suave, I find myself tangled
in linen, legs, and fiery screams,
wondering which vindication is necessary.
Then I lie there, like a cripple,
taking in dirty air while you
listen to an intrepid heart tremor.
I wait, for your fatigued
coma to come, annoyed.
And I leave you neglected
upon unforgiving springs
and dissolve into the night
to, again, give an ostensible
hope of rapport to the rejected.
-_-



I couldn't think of any better titles, so if you have an idea, let me know
thanks for the read :thumb:

[amp7325]

The vocabulary is wonderful. I'm just wondering how you'll make it a song. It's a really good poem. A frigging awesome poem. But I just don't see how it would have song-like structure, unless what you're thinking of is similar to this, and has a weird structure. That would be cool, innovative and such.

So yeah, could you explain how it's going to be a song?

Like I said, sweet poem.

[RollerQueen]

Hm... I don't know how to take this. On one hand, I want to chide you for the over-use of vocabulary. Conversely, I want to praise the wit in using the words to overcomplicate the simple situation, a common problem with sex. Both are valid points, regardless of your intentions (overruled!). The "wondering which vindication is necessary" line's great. It made me smile until my nose got itchy. "Talking in dirty air" is overly flowery, bringing to mind Poison's "Talk Dirty To Me," and nobody needs that much neon green. Under the circumstances, it's obvious that you could find a much better way of saying that while staying true to the style of the piece.

In short, if the vocabulary is to be used to satirize how complicated lust makes things, more power to you. Otherwise, it sounds a bit too much like a vocabulary exercise.

Should you get the time, "Amaranthine" (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=398395)awaits.

Also, if you want to be entertained, check out pi (http://www.keithschofield.com/pi/std.html).

[Sloth]

I don't write specific songs or poems...usually... I just write


I understand your annoyance with my vocab use, RQ... I just wanted to make the situation a little bit more busy and complicated, like you noticed. I admit that I could've overdone it, but oh well... "taking in dirty air" was actually smoking reference, but you took it as a different idea.. So, I suppose I should be happy for my ambiguousness.. Thanks for the crit..


bump

[ozzfest05]

the title caught my attention, nothing really stood out too me, but it was for the most part put together well, and maybe next time structure your lines for better reading

[xKONRADx]

i really like it. especially the second half. my problem is your use of segue. maybe say "with my segue to" i dont know. other than that its probably the best thing posted up right now.

[RollerQueen]

Oh, the joys of finding something in a piece that even the author didn't intend. :) Take care, buddy.

[maggotfelon]

I thought this was definately a great piece. The vocabulary didn't bother me at all. I thought it fit well. I like how RollerQueen put it as "satirizing the complicated situation of lust" or however RQ put it.

Can't complain, I love it. 10/10 for me man.

Give this a look see eh?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=399359

[brood]

I have no idea what the hell you just said in that poem/song.

[Happy_Squirrel]

Hmmmm...well, I probably can't give you a great critique on this since I'm a left-brain thinker. Overall it sounded very interesting. I like the wordiness for the most part, but I think that you took it a little bit too far. For example: using inchoate to describe lust? Uhhhh, OK. I think that a simpler synonym like formless or whatever would have flowed much better. It just seems like you're trying to impress with your vocabulary. I think that if you eliminate just a couple of "fancy" words you'd make this more readable and less artsy-fartsy sounding.

Stoically suave, I find myself tangled
in linen, legs, and fiery screams,Mmmmkay...I don't quite get this. You're trying to say that you're not feeling or exuding passion (right?) while describing a scene of lust? (I've probably got this all wrong). It seems a bit unlikely/contradictory to me.

And I leave you neglected
upon unforgiving springsSorry, but this just seemed a little silly to me.

Well, other than my previous complaints, I think that this is a really nice piece. You're a very creative writer and I'd much rather read something that is full of interesting vocabulary than something vanilla. 9/10? :)

[Merkaba]

I like the first and last four lines. But all of that vocab just seems gimmicky and pushed. Who would want to hear it unless its at a poetry slam or something. snap snap snap snap snap snap

[JigsawAndDice]

The use of vocab. is good but theres is too much, I dont know what some of the words mean which lessens the understanding of the song.

[factor46]

What makes a piece of work poetic, is not the amount of words you have in there with at least ten letters. It has more to do with the emotion the song brings. And how you bring emotion to the song, is by including imagery, setting a solid tone, and making the words at least somewhat relevant to the reader. While I can complain about the excessive use of lines like "..ostensible hope of rapport..", and others, you did make sure that they all made sense. There's just a problem when most people don't understand what "otensible" and "rapport" means. It's harder for the reader to connect with the song, and feel the intensity it should give off. But this definately was an intellegently-written piece. Maybe just a little too harsh on the brain for some. Nice job. :thumb:

[Sloth]

:thumb: thanks everyone

[the untolf]

i didnt understand half of the words

[-:Vincent:-]

I would have to agree with amp, it is great as a poem, but you would have to drop some of the "big" words if its gonna be a song...

[Iron_Weed]

I waded through stark smiles and
hollow hellos to a balcony
overlooking a tenebrous city.
Your vague look of pain
disappoints your effulgent beauty,
but I'm stuck in inchoate lust.

This is brilliant, Sloth, but wtf does tenebrous mean? And while we're at it how about effulgent and inchoate? Do you have any idea how stupid you're making me feel!? Anyway as I said brilliant. I may not understand what the words mean but they sound great and seem to fit well. Very good introduction.

My puerile nod of ambiguous
recognition is soon lost in my
segue of light hearts and heavy words;
Stoically suave, I find myself tangled
in linen, legs, and fiery screams,
wondering which vindication is necessary.

Again very good but I think you need to lay of the thesaurus a bit (sorry :p ) this stanza seems to hint at pompousness which your last one somehow avoided despite also having big, scary words. Aside from nitpicking though theres nothing really wrong here, lines four and five are amazing.

Then I lie there, like a cripple,
taking in dirty air while you
listen to an intrepid heart tremor.
I wait, for your fatigued
coma to come, annoyed.

Another great verse, doesn't sound pompous at all anymore and us idiots find it easier to relate to. I find the coma to come at the last line very intruiging (Could mean either a coma is coming or that you coma to....well...come) but for some reason the "annoyed" at the end nags me.

And I leave you neglected
upon unforgiving springs
and dissolve into the night
to, again, give an ostensible
hope of rapport to the rejected.

Hm....first three lines are very good, although I think your last two lines lack the impact required to end this piece. They're not bad though.

All in a great piece but I'm lost by your vocabularly. It's not bad (in fact it sounds good and appropriae most of the time) but it can occasionally give an air of pompousness and make it harder to convey imagery and get a message through to your average reader. I enjoyed this none the less and look forward to your next piece, good job.

9/10

[littletom]

Secstacy sounds like the title to a bad RnB song or a comedy rap song. It doesn't really fit the serious "wordy" lyrics.