She - updated (PLEASE READ AND CRIT!!!!)

[umbilical_mind]

hey all, i posted this here yesterday, made a few changed here and there. If people could tell me if it's better or worse or just where i'm going wrong I'd be grateful thanks.

Verse 1
Well Maybe Life
Is just too long
I’ll kill my time
By Singing Songs
I’m so sick
Of taking chances
Shoot her feet
See how she dances

Verse 2
Karma seems
To have no rules
I’m so tired
Of dealing with fools
Please just hold
And don’t let go
She’s so cold
I’m a living placebo

Verse 3
Something seems
Out of place
It’s like a doll
Without a face
You poke out
Her eyes and say
She’ll be fine
She’s not ok.

Chorus

Never realised what you lost
Never felt that touch of frost
Never been In a place like this
Never ever thought I’d miss
Never wanted you to be
Never thought you wouldn’t see
All I ever wanted was
All I ever wanted was
An excuse to say I loved you more
Than all the other fools you saw

[Crimsonpunk]

The first verse is WICKED.

I’m so sick
Of taking chances
Shoot her feet
See how she dances well done you 10/10 for this

The other two are not quite so clever, but they flow well. the second verse could mabye do with a little cutting down to improve flow.

The chorus is a bit overdone, the 'never' repitition can either be good or bad, and it isn't that bad. It's not crap, it just doesn't really have any hooks, still, room for improval.

I give it 6/10, but if you can write that first verse, you can pull the rest of the song up to standard with it