Untitled Acoustic

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Ben Stivers
10/4/05

Untitled Acoustic

Such was my inspiration...
I've stood in the tide now for days.

Morning spray,

To crash along these waves,
And what it is to break white at your tips.
Step cut stones pulled into place.
Speak last linguistic sparked through my face.
Untamed unconquered oceanscape,
And what it is to break right before your lips.

I want to die, this wake.
I tried to die in this wake,
To crash along these waves.

Lift this current above my breath,
Uncharted horizon sillouhettes.
Photographic memorial bested by the last gasp of the sunset.

I want to die, this wake.
I tried to die in this wake,
To crash along these waves.
I want to die, this wake.
I tried to die in this wake,
To crash along these waves.
And find solace in the night.

[sopborste]

Silly and cliche... just kidding with ya. Sorry.

I can see that it's way more professional written than loads of other songs around here. I can't really tell what's so good about it but ehm, probably the words you use in it. You paint a sweet picture in it too.

Not much as a crit but I really suck at it. Atleast I tried.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I commented the kid who bumped that thread was dumb. :)

[AcidQueen]

Couldn't think of much to say... I read it over and over but I just don't understand it. I normally wouldn't ask this, but could you please explain it?

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

It's basically a guy standing on the shore as the tide washes over him, reflecting on past love or something like that. I just wanted to write a kind of sappy acoustic piece, it flows really well.

[RollerQueen]

Far from your best. This is the bottom of the period of a sinusoid that has been your writing lately. The rhyming is uninspired, and the flourishes of language that you put in there do little to rectify the shortcomings. That last stanza flatlines the experience, calling to mind countless notebooks of bad teenage poetry. Heck, I wrote a piece like this in 9th grade to a similar effect. To your benefit, it reminded me of Jeff Buckley's "Nightmares by the Sea," which is excellent. Also, the "break right before your lips" works well with the theme, so kudos there.

Honestly, I could see you pulling this off as a nice acoustic song, but it's nothing compared to what skill you've proven yourself to have in the past. I loves you, but this isn't very good.

Hit up Amaranthine (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=398395)when you get the chance.