Amaranthine

[RollerQueen]

This is possibly the most pompous and pretentious thing I have done yet.

I decided to write a song about Romeo and Juliet using Shakespearean styles and conventions. This is more of an exercise for myself than anything else. Let me know what you think, and I know it won't be pretty. Oh well.


Amaranthine


If we had lain in liplock'd lovers' fate
'Til morning woke us, virgin sheets profaned,
Would filial hate give way to mild disdain?
Then with a kiss, my bride, for now, I go.

I curse the blist'ring foundry whence we came.
The walls of fair Verona keep you safe;
The streets of Mantua prove my Eden raped,
And life's the slowest suicide.
........................................ "I know."

Word from house of Capulet:
Daughter's dead and laid to rest,
Cheeks still soft, a death-stalled rose,
Blossom lips in grim repose.

Orion, wish I may, I wish I might
In tearful efforts by the North Star's light
Be buried here by fair Juliet's graveside.
O, vacuous stagnancy of Hades' glare!

Apothecary, your poison I truly find,
Assail, absolve, my liquid god of th' mire,
Grant creedence to my actions, cauterized.
Vile vial, your kiss, I pray will be my penance.

"Thus with a kiss I die."

Blood spilled by the families' youths,
(And) Wounded words make peace of fueds.
Heaven help the hearts' ill fate,
(For) "Star-crossed lovers," give them grace.

[Dancin' Man]

Well, you slip out of iambic pentameter, which isn't a bad thing, but I thought I'd mention it. I like this. It is very pretentious and what you are telling I could care less about but you wrote it well. If you were to do your usual story telling like this, it could become very fun to read and I'd care more about what you are saying. Especially if you begin using your stories as metaphors for something grander. I don't understand the address to Orion but aside from that I remember it all. Nicely done.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=398227

[RollerQueen]

Yeah, the third and sixth quatrains are in trochaic tetrameter with an added half foot, but I did that on purpose. I guess I'll take your post as a sort of compliment. Thanks for commenting in any case.

[Dancin' Man]

Care to explain Orion or is that a reference to the whole star crossed lovers thing? I thought Orion was Roman or something so just clarification would be nice.

[RollerQueen]

The Orion reference is there for a few reasons. For one, it plays into the "star-crossed" lovers thing. Also, wishing upon the stars... I wanted that sort of thing in there somewhere without being so lame as to say it that way. I had "Orion" by Metallica stuck in my head earlier yesterday, too, so that's part of it. As for mythology, Orion's Greek, so you're close. I used that to create the irony that he's not a violent man, despite his murder of Tybalt, and that his plight is very much out of love, yet he wishes upon the stars in Orion, shunning the vibrant North Star in a fit of self-deprecation and understanding of his lowly condition in his actions. In a roundabout way, it's a play off of the line, "These violent delights have violent ends." Oh, and you can probably fit in some lame reference to Orion and the heart being a lonely hunter.

I may not be a good writer, but I do put some thought into my work. I thank you for your interest.

[factor46]

I may not be a good writer, but I do put some thought into my work. I thank you for your interest.

Any piece of work that has some serious thought put into it, is most likely going to turn out good. But you obviously put more than just "some" thought into your work. The way you word your lines, and know what you want written, but make it come out beautiful for the reader to read. Better than "good". So who wouldn't be interested in reading what you have to share?

These are just my little comments for you, after reading that oh so nicely written Shakespearean-styled song. I enjoyed reading that. I got into it, every word. From the regretful-toned first stanza, all the way to the prologue-quoting last line. You did a superb job if I must say. :thumb:

Sorry if I'm going overboard with my compliments. Haha, I was just appalled at how good that was.
Damn it. There I go again.

Have a nice day.
:)

[RollerQueen]

Apalled at how good it was? Nifty. Thanks for the kind words. Godspeed, Nickxcore.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

If we had lain in liplock'd lovers' fate
'Til morning woke us, virgin sheets profaned,
Would filial hate give way to mild disdain?
Then with a kiss, my bride, for now, I go.

--I don't know much about this "poetry" thingy you are trying to do here, I'll just leave it saying that anyone who hasn't read the play will have no clue what you are talking about. As for me, plot summaries are okay I suppose, so I guess I'll just read on further.

I curse the blist'ring foundry whence we came.
The walls of fair Verona keep you safe;
The streets of Mantua prove my Eden raped,
And life's the slowest suicide.
........................................ "I know."

--Well, you are managing to do a good job here at telling me how Romeo feels, but dammit Rally Driver Dan, it just isn't doing it for me. The last line just caps off the idea that it's not going very well as of now. The statement you so eagerly thrown out is no longer "cool" or "with it," because everyone uses it now. The only reason I like it is because you took the time to make something in Iambic Pantameter without hiccuping (that's a term for shakey flow), which I'm sure very few writers could do effectively round these here parts.

Word from house of Capulet:
Daughter's dead and laid to rest,
Cheeks still soft, a death-stalled rose,
Blossom lips in grim repose.

--Okay, I admire your ability to put plot summaries into different forms of rhyme and meter, but they are just plot summaries. Sorry.

Orion, wish I may, I wish I might
In tearful efforts by the North Star's light
Be buried here by fair Juliet's graveside.
O, vacuous stagnancy of Hades' glare!

Apothecary, your poison I truly find,
Assail, absolve, my liquid god of th' mire,
Grant creedence to my actions, cauterized.
Vile vial, your kiss, I pray will be my penance.

"Thus with a kiss I die."

Blood spilled by the families' youths,
(And) Wounded words make peace of fueds.
Heaven help the hearts' ill fate,
(For) "Star-crossed lovers," give them grace.

Well done, but next time write your own material, F00.

[RollerQueen]

Ah, stuff it, Bentard.

[Sloth]

This isn't the best thing I've seen from you...but that's to be expected when one tries a different style...so for that, I applaude you. It should be a more common practice among(st?) us writers.

Orion, wish I may, I wish I might
In tearful efforts by the North Star's light my favorite idea! Whenever I see "Orion" I think of Metallica's song and the Men In Black.. heh heh..


"Thus with a kiss I die." if this piece was your own idea and such, I'd poke you in the eye for this.. but because it's not your own original idea, I'll let it fly..

Overall-- It's a nice piece to challenge yourself with. But writing about such things as Romeo and Juliet never seems to work as well as it should or could. I love you even more because you try things that aren't normal for you. :thumb: Plus, this is too smart of a piece for these here MX parts.. Keep writing! *shakes fist at you* I love reading your stuff.. Thanks for the crit on mine too.. cheers :chug:

[factor46]

Psh, what are you guys talking about. Am I the only one who found it to be awesome? :lol:


(Ignore my thread-spamming)

[ABulldog]

I think it was pretty good. I tried to write like this once and it turned out to be a cheesy metal song about a war and king... didn't turn out as well. I wish I could put as much thought into my lyrics that you do. You can do it on a regular basis.... I do it sometimes, usually when I have a good topic, but normally I just write nonsense, or make believe stories.

The Orion thing caught my eye as well, but it makes sense I guess.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

^---Hasn't read the play.

[ABulldog]

^--- caught me red handed I guess... read it years ago in school, which doesn't count as reading it, cuz you only read enough to get a decent grade.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

^---Has the right idea.

[RollerQueen]

Sloth, you my homie.

Ha. Sad. "Romeo and Juliet" is a great play. Read it, ABulldog. Do it for Johnny. If you do, you'll write more bettereresting.

Also, I'm writing some other stuff that isn't such blatantly thievery as this. Your time will come, Bensti.

Nick, thanks for liking it. At least someone does. Go fanbase!

Now, where's morrissey...

[morrissey]

bump

crit might happen someday

[RollerQueen]

Thanks, Mozmanda. I love you.

[RunAmokRampant]

I really like this part "Cheeks still soft, a death-stalled rose,/Blossom lips in grim repose." The use of "grim repose" to describe the dead daughter's lips. I dont' see much of this "proper" poetry round her much and I use that term loosely. The poem maybe a tad pretentious but the structure that you've carefully laid out and the flow accompanied has earned my respect for this. You really know what you're doing when writing and it shows a lot in this piece. Good work and effort. Please crit my poem with lacklustre rhythmn in comparison lol. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=9982727#post9982727

[RollerQueen]

Thanks. I'll return the critique when I'm not ready to pass out on my keyboard.