Best Friend Syndrome

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

havent written in a while and havent been here in a while
sorry for being an *** and only posting when i think i write something worth while

So now lets dream at the top of our lungs
and scream of our darkest pleasures
Misfortune seems to follow black cats and white lies
We breathe in
hoping the exhale will hold feelings forgetten
or simply undeclared
are we gagged by the streetlights?
Or simply out of excuses?
we broke the lever on this god**** machine
and its stuck on distant second

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

cmon guys

[Sloth]

VOODOO, you ***! haha, good to see you again..

So now lets dream at the top of our lungs
and scream of our darkest pleasures I wasn't expecting lungs, nice.. 2nd line wasn't bad..


Misfortune seems to follow black cats and white lies
We breathe in :thumb:


hoping the exhale will hold feelings forgetten
or simply undeclared
are we gagged by the streetlights? I like this a lot.. mainly the first 2 lines.. but the third isn't too bad. maybe a little wordy


Or simply out of excuses?
we broke the lever on this god**** machine
and its stuck on distant second nice ending.. 2nd line seems too wordy

Overall-you have a nice little poem here. Just be catious of using too many words.. (this is the worst advice I've given anyone lately, sorry it has to be to you)

[Dancin' Man]

While I dig halfway, I don't dig the other half. There is something about it that has this really natural and flowing feel to it, like you came up with it off the top of your head and it was good, and the I feel like you tried too hard to make it feel that way. Hmph.... Sometimes it seems like you say things that don't make sense, only for the sake of not making sense. I like the idea of this how it is simple and easy to relate to but the last two lines I really don't understand at all. I probably would've stopped there but I like the way those two sound. Nice write which I like more now that I've done a bit of analyzing.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=398227

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

haha dancing man do you know your avatar works perfectly with david bowies "fame"?

ok well anyways thank you a tone for hte crits.
and though i usually dont like the explain myself, but being as that this time and last time people seemed to question me actually trying to make sense, the song is about falling for you best friend, and hoping that they feel the same way. But after a while you'll find youll be only the second closest person in her heart, but to a different guy every week. Thus the machine refrence.

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

um.......bump again?

[FendersForever]

Nice.

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

thank you for making your first post a complete and total waste

[Dancin' Man]

At least he has a cool avatar.

[MidnightHysteria]

I can't see how the first two lines are really relevant to anything else in the poem. I get the suspicion that they're only in there because they sound cool. Also, I think the third line would be better at the very end then where it is now. In general though, it's a good start. 6½/10.

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

I usually dont keep with a subject or same visualation throughout a song, just the same theme and reason behind it, but thank you for the crit