Individualistic by Nature

[Dancin' Man]

my notes on this piece are... people change and Carl Jung is not someone I always agree with. Crit for a crit, carry on.
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Let it be known, the prototype has arrived
Noted, documented, recorded, forgotten
When the research teams find evidence
There must never be enough

Torn apart then sponged and stitched
The sutures are coming undone
You are leaking archetypes
Prefabricated, refabricate

The way these monuments rise
You'd think they were never built at all
The way the rubble towers
This is a boneyard for legends

Decomposed and post-rot
Dust of blood and bodies
We breathe, our hearts beat
Our instincts carry no memory

Torn apart then sponged and stitched
The sutures are coming undone
You are leaking archetypes
Prefabricated, refabricate

You'll be the same as every other
Individualistic by nature
Rebel again, inspirator.

[flywithdiamonds]

Firstly your wording is all over the place, lines like: "The way the rubble towers/This is a boneyard for legends" just makes me cringe at how randomly and pointlessly it seems to jumps around. The point of the song doesn't seem to evolves past the first stanza and the metaphors are clumpsy and poorly thought out to say the least.

However if you can secure the concept you're going for and spend a little more time on the flow, wording and structure of this piece then you may be able to take it somewhere. As it stands now, it's quite plain and boring and needs a lot of re-writing to strengthen it. You seem to have been sucked into the world of over thinking your piece, leaving it colourless and dry of inspiration. Focus on what you aim for a reader to get out of your piece and try putting yourself in their mind, you'll find your writing will improve no end. Good Luck.

[Dancin' Man]

C'mon you bundles o' sticks. I was critting people this morning while I should have been doing homework. The least you could do is tell me this sucks.

[RollerQueen]

Carl Jung, eh? I haven't heard that since Intro to Psychology. Good job in bringing that up.

In reading this, half of me wants to just discuss with you the concept of a collective unconscious and how difficult it would be to disprove. On an intellectual level, I love this, and your sardonic attitude works. There is some discontinuity, though, such as in "The way these monuments rise/You'd think they were never built at all," which doesn't make complete sense to me. Is that implying a naturalist view of things, stripping the humanity of some revered object? Oh, the futility of analyzing the very thing that enables us to analyze! Ahem... I agree that some of the images are a bit spitfire and random, so you could work on that, but the premise is great and appreciated by the RQ.

Sorry this return crit took so long. I posted "Amaranthine" just before going to bed. I had no time between classes and work to go online, so here I am now.

[Dancin' Man]

I like the way I chose someone who is well enough known that his theories are not very obscure, yet it is still esoteric enough that it isn't cliched. Some lines need work yes, but The ones you've highlighted are more about the idea that people and archetypes, at least to a certain extent do change so calling them archetypes ceases to be accurate. It's a bit of irony.

[RollerQueen]

Hm. I see the irony now but probably wouldn't have gotten it had you not said something. Would my take still be valid? Regardless, kudos for putting some intellect in there.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Let it be known, the prototype has arrived
Noted, documented, recorded, forgotten
When the research teams find evidence
There must never be enough

Torn apart then sponged and stitched
The sutures are coming undone
You are leaking archetypes
Prefabricated, refabricate

--It feels, unintelligable. Like you dont know where you are trying to go with the opening... a rant without purpose. If you are going to try the ranting style writing, at least focus it all into a subject matter. To bring a true rant to the table, it needs laser like focus and a precision only the most skilled of the marksman posesses. Unfortunately, this time didn't work out for you. You fall flat of capturing my attention. Maybe a little more expansion on the current purpose could shed some light?

The way these monuments rise
You'd think they were never built at all
The way the rubble towers
This is a boneyard for legends

Decomposed and post-rot
Dust of blood and bodies
We breathe, our hearts beat
Our instincts carry no memory

--Slipping into dark imagery never really helps. The overall mood of the song isn't helped by this. A rant of sorts should be more observational, I feel as though you are lacking some major point here. A hook to bring us into the meaning of the words. Right now it's just tiresome to read.

Torn apart then sponged and stitched
The sutures are coming undone
You are leaking archetypes
Prefabricated, refabricate

You'll be the same as every other
Individualistic by nature
Rebel again, inspirator.

--Angst. Sorry, it's just not been a good ride through on your ramblecoaster. Severe letdowns over every hill, and I could never tell what was going to hit me next, but when it did, I was upset. The piece lacks focus up until the bitter end as well. More to come in the summary.

The piece lacks coherence. I didn't like it one bit, due to several factors. One, the fact that no plot surfaced, or at least a comprehendable meaning really let this piece fall through without even a safety net. When I say safety net I mean other factors that contribute to good writing (emotion, rhyme, etc). Your piece lacked any of it. It's like the sunday morning jumble in your paper, except unsolvable. Expand on your words, and take care not to let the piece get away from you next time.

[Dancin' Man]

Have you ever read anything that Carl Jung wrote or know about the collective unconcious? Without knowing that, this piece is completely nothing. It's still not how I want it, but saying that there isn't meaning I don't agree with. Thanks for the crit, I'll work on the wording.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

No, I haven't, so I guess you can null my critique :). I just owed you one and got around to it last night.