She - new song, please crit

[umbilical_mind]

hey all, a new song, going through it a bit. some people might recognise the chorus from an anti church one i did a while back, but this is a little better.
so yeah, crit away and if you could say more like where i'm going wrong etc and what would work instead i'd be grateful. thanks all :thumb:

She’ll Kill My Friends
He’d Kill My family
It Never Ends
This constant treachery
Where to run?
Where to hide?
Please just tell me
It’s warm inside

So long My friend
You’ve played the Fool
So long My Friend
You’re just a tool
So Long My Friend
There’s none to loose
So long my friend
You’ve played the fool

Well Maybe Life
Is just too long
I’ll kill my time
By Singing Songs
I’m so sick
Of taking chances
Shoot her feet
See how she dances

So long My friend
You’ve played the Fool
So long My Friend
You’re just a tool
So Long My Friend
There’s none to loose
So long my friend
You’ve played the fool

Karma seems
To have no rules
I’m so tired
Of dealing with fools
Please just hold
And don’t let go
She’s so cold
I’m a living placebo

[Benzum]

I liked the 3rd paragraph, it seemed to flow pretty smoothly

Well Maybe Life
Is just too long
I’ll kill my time
By Singing Songs
I’m so sick
Of taking chances
Shoot her feet
See how she dances

Sorry but I didn't feel the same about all the others, I'm not sure why, it's good though...

[umbilical_mind]

yeah, the song is basically a load of different verses i've written over a while. i do like that one too though ^^

[umbilical_mind]

pleeease more crits. I'm just starting out and need to work on my songwriting techniques.