Make your own mistake.. Critquee please

[brokenfaith]

Critzem wanted.. please..

Make your own Mistake

Were Tormenting the the helix of irony,
and when you told me i reminded you of him,I never knew what you mean't
unitl you left,let go of me, like you said you never would.

We started out unaltered, wearing uniforms of grey,
then we found a consistant bliss, touched hands,fastened lips,
we became so much more, but nothing this stainless can stay
that way, but shes so pure, but shes so beautiful, but shes gone,
and shes not mine ,these days,they feel like forever

We've played out these cards , Jack, Queen, King , Even Ace
hasn't saved me, This love is war , bombing my heart , and
the vessels they begin to diteriorate, and you've played Joker
for **** sake, by this tiime theres already a whole threw my chest,
and the ashes from my heart escape.

The way i feel is a defect, and you tell me this is the way it has to be,
so your telling me this is a make your own mistake,
i shouldn't have fallen in love with a divine dream,
So your telling me this is a make your own mistake,
I shouldn't have felt love, its just a defect, im corrupt.

The term Light of ones life runs through my head,
and they never mentioned how much it burns,
sweet heart, you break hearts just as sweetly as you lure them in,
and in this story of love , there will never be a end.

[jade858907]

Critzem wanted.. please..

Make your own Mistake

We're Tormenting the the helix of irony,
And when you told me I reminded you of him,
I never knew what you mean't
Until you left,let go of me,
Like you said you never would.

This is good. I mean it needs touch ups but this is good starting out I think

We started out unaltered, wearing uniforms of grey,
Then we found a consistant bliss,
Touched hands,fastened lips,
We became so much more,

Ok I had to spread out your lines, and the rhyme scheme is all over the place, but I like the I like this verse much! I like how you have 'bliss' and 'lips' it fit, sounds right in my head

But nothing this stainless can stay that way,
But shes so pure, and shes so beautiful,
But shes gone,
And shes not mine,
These days,
They feel like forever

Well, I LOVE: 'But nothing this stainless can stay that way,'
That to me was like awesome with the lines before it too. I loved that part.

We've played out these cards , Jack, Queen, King ,
Even Ace hasn't saved me,
This love is war , bombing my heart , and
the vessels they begin to diteriorate,
and you've played Joker for **** sake,
by this tiime theres already a whole threw my chest,
and the ashes from my heart escape.

This is sounding really good, like I cant think of anything to say except for spelling and evening out and making standzas

The way i feel is a defect,
and you tell me this is the way it has to be,
so your telling me this is a make your own mistake,
i shouldn't have fallen in love with a divine dream,
So your telling me this is a make your own mistake,
I shouldn't have felt love, its just a defect, im corrupt.

The only think to me is the 'this is a make your own mistake' I dont much like that. but the idea is good for this verse I like it. It sounds good besides that

The term Light of ones life runs through my head,
and they never mentioned how much it burns,
sweet heart, you break hearts just as sweetly as you lure them in,
and in this story of love , there will never be a end.

I only really like the last 2 lines, those were good.


This is really good, I cant believe no one eles has crited it. I mean the way you had it put together I think scared people away, but this is really good! I will have to be generous and give you a 7.5-8/10. Good one,
Check mine?

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=397573

~Jade