Single Dream (please crit)

[fretfriend]

Single Dream

Sitting here at work again
waiting for this day to end
so I can come home tonight
and maybe start another fight

It is the only thing that makes me happy
is our nightly rumbles without slapping
but maybe tonight will be different
We might see eye to eye<hold) and
take our selves on a moonlight ride

See the sights we used to love
the sights we have been dreaming of
but the dreams have decayed over time
like the movie screens when we used to dine
we wanted to see our old friends one last time
but they are all gone<hold and trail off)
for just tonight we’ll take our selves on a moonlight ride.

[HomeCatMickey8]

I liked the last verse. The decaying dreams was nice.

The rhymes seem forced, and the verses aren't consistant with length and line length, but that happens to most people quite often.

Keep at it and you should start writing pretty good.

"See the sights we used to love
the sights we have been dreaming of"
*You might want to use a different word for 'sight' in one of the lines. Maybe 'place' or something of the sort. They are good lines though.

[ozzfest05]

again decaying dreams was nice, didnt like the "dine" part, most of it seemed ok but nothing that really stood out, i also didnt find the part with makes me happy and rumbles without slapping a little off that i would change...

check mine out Our Prayers And What They Caused (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=396577)

[Sword2020]

Single Dream

Sitting here at work again
waiting for this day to end
so I can come home tonight
and maybe start another fight

(The rhymes here sound forced, and it doesn't really drive home much of a message because of that. Definately work on this.)

It is the only thing that makes me happy
is our nightly rumbles without slapping
but maybe tonight will be different
We might see eye to eye<hold) and
take our selves on a moonlight ride

(The grammer in the first two lines is really meesed up, probably a typo, jsut read over it. Also, what do you mean by "without slapping"? The last three lines are the best so far.)

See the sights we used to love
the sights we have been dreaming of
but the dreams have decayed over time
like the movie screens when we used to dine
we wanted to see our old friends one last time
but they are all gone<hold and trail off)
for just tonight we’ll take our selves on a moonlight ride.

(I see what you're getting at, and it could be good, but the problem is is that you've put in way too many forced rhyems that take a HUGE chunck out the appealingness of the song. Work on that, and the song will improve greately.

Overall, it could use work, but stick with it. Thanks for the crit.

-Sword

[jade858907]

Originally Posted by fretfriend
Single Dream

Sitting here at work again
waiting for this day to end
so I can come home tonight
and maybe start another fight

Well the rhyming, again sorry, is forced, and shows amature writing.

It is the only thing that makes me happy
is our nightly rumbles without slapping
but maybe tonight will be different
We might see eye to eye<hold) and
take our selves on a moonlight ride

It is the only thing that makes me happy
is our nightly rumbles without slapping Cut this, definately!
The last 2 lines are mildly ok, I could see you working something out with them.

See the sights we used to love
the sights we have been dreaming of
but the dreams have decayed over time
like the movie screens when we used to dine
we wanted to see our old friends one last time
but they are all gone<hold and trail off)
for just tonight we’ll take our selves on a moonlight ride.

The first two dont drop those those are my favorite. like the movie screens when we used to dine Cut this, And the rest is mildly ok. I think you got something going on, but really work on it. You could get something out of this. Work on the rhyming to, that really ruins a piece.
Keep at it ok? Check mine? Thanx :D

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=397573

~Jade

[fretfriend]

Thanks alot for criting mine it was somthing I wrote in accounting when I was bored and I never looked it over their are some grammar errors sorry