hearts apart

[LostItAgain]

I always knew you were my friend
life and death that would'nt end
he had good times, i made you laugh
you loved me first, i could'nt back
then our lives both went off track

you met someone else, he was my friend
you were in love, i wished you well
but then you relaionship went straight to hell
i cant forgive my long lost friend
but you, I will stand by to the end

I see you now everyday
you said you'll go, i hope you stay
I got something, you need to know
if you laugh i'll die, and fall below

you look at me my heart smiles
memories past discused a while
I love you now, you cannot back
now my heart has gone off track

if you go, i'll love you then
'cause my hearts yours 'til the end
but atleast you'll always be my friend

I know its gotta be that way
I know its gotta be that way

I already have the music to this song so i cant trash it,
so, suggestions and comments please :thumb:

[MidnightHysteria]

I always knew you were my friend
life and death that would'nt end
he had good times, i made you laugh
you loved me first, i could'nt back
then our lives both went off track
I like the first line. Good opener. Sets us up for a tale of intrigue. Same with the last line. It's a shame that the lines in the middle don't seem to quite connect. I'd scrap the rhyming for this song and just go with the story (especially the emotional side of it) because then you'll have less filler lines (The whole life and death thing seems completely random for the sake of having a rhyme).

you met someone else, he was my friend
you were in love, i wished you well
but then you relaionship went straight to hell
i cant forgive my long lost friend
but you, I will stand by to the end
Aha. Now the plot thickens in the first two lines. I like that, but I think you can find more original ways to word the ideas in the rest of the stanza.

I see you now everyday
you said you'll go, i hope you stay
I got something, you need to know
if you laugh i'll die, and fall below
Again, for this stanza, I suggest scrapping the rhyme and focusing on what's important. This whole thing seems forced and generally weakens the piece.

you look at me my heart smiles
memories past discused a while
I love you now, you cannot back
now my heart has gone off track

if you go, i'll love you then
'cause my hearts yours 'til the end
but atleast you'll always be my friend

I know its gotta be that way
I know its gotta be that way
Come on, man. You can do better than using these clichés ("my heart's yours 'til the end".... please spare me.).


Overall. A good idea, but presented in an absolutely dreadful manner. 1¾/10

PS: I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm being mean. I'm just trying to help you be as good as you can be.

[LostItAgain]

PS: I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm being mean. I'm just trying to help you be as good as you can be.

I know your just trying to help, besides if i didnt want criticism i wouldnt have posted it