Drowned

[Yppolitia]

Please place critisizm, even if its harsh, I need to learn from mistakes.


Drowned

Verse
on the edge of the world
staring down the dark abyss
step back with asphixiation
just save me

Chorus
drowning from this sorrow
chocking on this martyr
fury as high as these clouds
sky turns to black
im covered in the shroud

Verse
as you thought i was over
i grew to my knees
reached to the sky
brushed off the smell of defeat


Chorus
drowning from this sorrow
chocking on this martyr
fury as high as these clouds
sky turns to black
im covered in the shroud


Interlude
the sound as i hit the earth
deafening a thousand ears
falling and burning
towards this world


Chorus
drowning from this sorrow
chocking on this martyr
fury as high as these clouds
sky turns to black
im covered in the shroud

[Stigmata]

It's pretty good.

The rhythm is off between the two verses. But I guess you could fix that, depending on how you plan to sing each line.

"as you thought i was over
i grew to my knees
reached to the sky
brushed off the smell of defeat"

This verse is a bit odd, compared to the first. I'd suggest a word other than "grew" in the second line. Growing to your knees (IMO) throws off the imagery, as growing implies greatness, or swelling, and "to your knees" implies failure, smallness, etc.

I do like the interlude a lot more than the verses. Good use of words and description.

Overall it's pretty good. Depending on how you match it to music, it could turn out great, or terrible. Once you fix it up a bit, it's all up to the execution.

BTW, this is my first post. I hope I didn't come off as too much of a jerk :)

[Yppolitia]

It's pretty good.

The rhythm is off between the two verses. But I guess you could fix that, depending on how you plan to sing each line.

"as you thought i was over
i grew to my knees
reached to the sky
brushed off the smell of defeat"

This verse is a bit odd, compared to the first. I'd suggest a word other than "grew" in the second line. Growing to your knees (IMO) throws off the imagery, as growing implies greatness, or swelling, and "to your knees" implies failure, smallness, etc.

I do like the interlude a lot more than the verses. Good use of words and description.

Overall it's pretty good. Depending on how you match it to music, it could turn out great, or terrible. Once you fix it up a bit, it's all up to the execution.

BTW, this is my first post. I hope I didn't come off as too much of a jerk :)


Not at all my friend, not at all. Thanks for the critisizm and compliments.

[braindoctor]

i quite like it

do you plan on the song being fast/slow?

rock/ballad?

[Yppolitia]

i quite like it

do you plan on the song being fast/slow?

rock/ballad?
Im not sure, I think it would be cool either way, what do you think?