Acoustique

[Nightvision]

Despite the title, this is not an acoustic song. :) Useful crit for useful crit, guys and gals. This is very much a first draft, so really pick at it if you would be so kind.

Acoustique

"Here and now is so two years ago" she said,
with her head to one side and her feet on the dashboard,
with my eyes on the road I can still tell she looks bored
but home is another three or four hours
if I drive like I stole it, and that's not my style,
I guess three hundred miles of silence is golden,
"Shut up and watch the sunset" she says.

With this demo tape playing on the radio,
she sings along to a song she knows nothing about,
a song for all the times I swore I'd never
write a song about someone I could do without.

"Everything is about last summer" she says,
her words are on fire while we're trying to argue,
but her eyes tell the truth and this reeks of deja vu
and home is another two hundred miles
from where we are right now, and I'm a bad liar
and I guess the truth isn't what you want to hear now
"It's so long since I trusted you" she says.

With this demo tape playing on the radio,
she sings along to a song she knows nothing about,
a song for all the times I swore I'd never
write a song about someone I could do without.

[Sloth]

black dot!

[Happy_Squirrel]

"Here and now is so two years ago" she said,
with her head to one side and her feet on the dashboard,
with my eyes on the road I can still tell she looks bored
but home is another three or four hours
if I drive like I stole it, and that's not my style,
I guess three hundred miles of silence is golden,
"Shut up and watch the sunset" she says.LOVE the first line. Third line seems to have a couple words too many. Maybe lose the "still"? The rest is pretty good.

With this demo tape playing on the radio,
she sings along to a song she knows nothing about,
a song for all the times I swore I'd never
write a song about someone I could do without.I really dig the idea here. Very interesting and original. First time I read it I didn't think it flowed very well, but after rereading, I changed my mind. Cool!

"Everything is about last summer" she says,
her words are on fire while we're trying to argue,
but her eyes tell the truth and this reeks of deja vu
and home is another two hundred miles
from where we are right now, and I'm a bad liar
and I guess the truth isn't what you want to hear now
"It's so long since I trusted you" she says.Hmmm...my least favourite part of the song. The first three lines are pretty good except that they seem a bit too wordy. The last line seems a little out of place. I think something else would be better there.

Overall, pretty good but could use some revision. 8/10. :)

[EmergencyRoom]

Despite the title, this is not an acoustic song. :) Useful crit for useful crit, guys and gals. This is very much a first draft, so really pick at it if you would be so kind.

Acoustique

"Here and now is so two years ago" she said,
with her head to one side and her feet on the dashboard,
with my eyes on the road I can still tell she looks bored
but home is another three or four hours
if I drive like I stole it, and that's not my style,
I guess three hundred miles of silence is golden,
"Shut up and watch the sunset" she says.

With this demo tape playing on the radio,
she sings along to a song she knows nothing about,
a song for all the times I swore I'd never
write a song about someone I could do without.

"Everything is about last summer" she says,
her words are on fire while we're trying to argue,
but her eyes tell the truth and this reeks of deja vu
and home is another two hundred miles
from where we are right now, and I'm a bad liar
and I guess the truth isn't what you want to hear now
"It's so long since I trusted you" she says.

With this demo tape playing on the radio,
she sings along to a song she knows nothing about,
a song for all the times I swore I'd never
write a song about someone I could do without.

This is deserving of my first crit in a while. I'll get on to it tomorrow. :thumb:

[HomeCatMickey8]

It seemed and flowed more like a short story more than a song. That's all I really got.


"I guess 300 miles of silence is golden" :thumb: Beautiful.

[Stigmata]

Yeah. It seems like a short-story piece of poetry, rather than the lyrics to a song. There's not a whole lot of rhythm. Great wording, though.

OT: What does "black dot" mean?

[brokenfaith]

That song sounds amazing... You should make is acoustic man, what kind of style are you guys planning to play it in'?

With this demo tape playing on the radio,
she sings along to a song she knows nothing about,
a song for all the times I swore I'd never
write a song about someone I could do without.

Thats amazing, And it is really a great idea, and orginal like one of the people before said.. Alot of emotion in this song.. I really liked it.. and i think you'll make an amazing
song with that kind of thing.

[Sloth]

"Here and now is so two years ago" she said,
with her head to one side and her feet on the dashboard,
with my eyes on the road I can still tell she looks bored
but home is another three or four hours
if I drive like I stole it, and that's not my style,
I guess three hundred miles of silence is golden,
"Shut up and watch the sunset" she says. rhyming board with bored, it works I guess, but it seems so elementary to me.. Kinda like rhyming he with she or something like that.. then the 5th line bothers me.. "If if....and that's..." doesn't seem right at all. I can see changing it to "if I...but that's..." could work much better.. wait.. nevermind..scratch that, I see what you were saying now.. Home's that far away......gotcha..my mistake.. Whatever..The last two lines, to me, feel like they need to be flipped..


With this demo tape playing on the radio,
she sings along to a song she knows nothing about,
a song for all the times I swore I'd never
write a song about someone I could do without. niiiiiiice.. the wording's great.. and it implies some smooth ideas also.. :thumb:


"Everything is about last summer" she says,
her words are on fire while we're trying to argue,
but her eyes tell the truth and this reeks of deja vu
and home is another two hundred miles
from where we are right now, and I'm a bad liar
and I guess the truth isn't what you want to hear now
"It's so long since I trusted you" she says.
this is heavy. I could feel everything that you were implying and showing.. My only complaint about this is that you use "and" too many times.. And this And that and then the other thing and and i forget what else there is.. too many "and"s


Overall--very nice piece.. the chorus seems very catchy.. Well maybe catchy isn't the right word, it sounds too poppy..but you know what I mean, hopefully.. cheers :chug:

[Nightvision]

Thanks kindly for he critiques so far - at the moment, they've mostly highlighted the faults I've picked so far - I'm not as happy with the second verse as I am with the first, and the chorus - while it says everything I want it to, and flows beautifully - does have a bit of a 'pop' feel to it. I'm going to try and work round that with the music though, as I don't know if I want to toy with it too much lyrically.

Also, I can testify that the verses do flow - there is a distinct rhythm that doesn't really show in text form.

If you leave a link, I'll get to your song soon. :)

[theredwonder]

"Here and now is so two years ago" she said,
with her head to one side and her feet on the dashboard,
with my eyes on the road I can still tell she looks bored

Pretty nice start here, flows well. The only things that rub me up the wrong way i've highlighted. Firstly the change of tense - it never really strikes me when listening to a song, but when written down it doesn't seem right. I suppose it works as it is, but perhaps says might work better to finish off the first line. Obviously the board/bored rhyme has been mentioned before. Come on it looks like something Chris Martin would churn out! And i know you can do better :) But other than that a pretty solid start, sets the scene.

but home is another three or four hours
if I drive like I stole it, and that's not my style,
I guess three hundred miles of silence is golden,
"Shut up and watch the sunset" she says.

I love the idea behind the second line here, not a similie that i've come across before and it's always good to read something original. The uncertainty and hint of sarcasm is conveyed well in line 3, and the quote in the final line ends it well. Despite what you say about not being happy with this verse, i think it has better general ideas than the first.

With this demo tape playing on the radio,
she sings along to a song she knows nothing about,
a song for all the times I swore I'd never
write a song about someone I could do without.

A strong chorus. It seems to sum up the general idea behind the song, not frustrating rhymes. The only thing that didn't feel right was about in the final line0. After reading it a few times it didn't seem right - my reasoning plenty of songs are written about subjects other than people they need in their lives. But having said that you have indicated that it's your personal opinion, and i know it's generally your style to stick with songs about loved ones. However, for might be a better choice.


"Everything is about last summer" she says,
her words are on fire while we're trying to argue,
but her eyes tell the truth and this reeks of deja vu
and home is another two hundred miles
from where we are right now, and I'm a bad liar
and I guess the truth isn't what you want to hear now
"It's so long since I trusted you" she says.

Well done for sticking with the same verse structure, keeps things nice. This is the kind of verse i'd really like to hear recorded. Your writing builds up the tension throughout, and with the right vocals this could be a wonderful verse. The only phrase that bugs me has been highlighted. It seems out of place, like it's been stuck there to keep the syllable count constant. I'd suggest changing that, as it isn't up to the high standard of the rest of the stanza.




Overall i'd say this is a fairly strong piece. Not one of the best i've seen from you, but still enjoyable to read.

[EmergencyRoom]

"Here and now is so two years ago" she said,
with her head to one side and her feet on the dashboard,
with my eyes on the road I can still tell she looks bored
but home is another three or four hours
if I drive like I stole it, and that's not my style,
I guess three hundred miles of silence is golden,
"Shut up and watch the sunset" she says.


The idea is brilliant IMO. I like the rhyme and the rhythm that it suggests in the first lines. You use two cliches and they both fit so well that i can't fault you on them. It has a sort of story feel, and i like the way it's put across. The only thing that i would suggest is that you maybe add some rhyme in the last four lines to keep that rhythm of the start on the same track. It's a nice start that sets the scene otherwise.


With this demo tape playing on the radio,
she sings along to a song she knows nothing about,
a song for all the times I swore I'd never
write a song about someone I could do without.

No complaints. It moves the story along and let's us know about the relationship between the characters. There's a "together but unhappy" vibe going on at the moment. This flows better with the continous rhyme scheme. The first verse needs a bit of the same type of thing, but this is perfect.


"Everything is about last summer" she says,
her words are on fire while we're trying to argue,
but her eyes tell the truth and this reeks of deja vu
and home is another two hundred miles
from where we are right now, and I'm a bad liar
and I guess the truth isn't what you want to hear now
"It's so long since I trusted you" she says.

I like this because it flows without rhyme and has some nice subtle moments. The use of "now" twice is the first thing that needs changed. Using words twice always makes a piece look lazily written, and this doesn't do justice to the rest of this piece. It gives the impression of an argument that has been played out so many times now that neither of the characters hearts are in it anymore. A deep down problem but dealt with by just going through the motions. It keeps the story moving along and keeps me interested.


With this demo tape playing on the radio,
she sings along to a song she knows nothing about,
a song for all the times I swore I'd never
write a song about someone I could do without.

As above.

Overall 8.5/10. The first verse needs a bit of redress in keeping the rhythm steady. The start of that verse flows really well though and as i've said, i really like the ideas and story telling style. The other main point i have that i haven't mentioned is that it's a verse too short in my opinion. The chorus section is nice and i really wouldn't change anything about the second verse either. With a bit of addition and work on continuity of flow in that first verse it's an easy 10/10.

On another note, i'm glad you're writing in here again. I like most of your stuff, though i don't think i've crit it before. Your crits are helpful and I'm glad that you are a regular in here again.

Aquamarine Dreams (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=392250)

Could you have a go at that if you have a chance?

Thanks :thumb: