New poem: "Pollution"

[MidnightHysteria]

No matter how hard I try
I can never seem to forget
The smile you wore like a neon sign
Advertising
The solution to all of our problems
Before it flickered and burned out

That cool afternoon in May
Remains branded behind my eyes
The breeze stirring your hair and my own
As we witnessed
The absolute perfection of nature
Before we saw the pollution

That final telephone call
You told me not to cry for you
But you were far too late by that point
I said goodnight
And prayed that tomorrow all would be well
But you never saw the next day

[HomeCatMickey8]

No matter how hard I try
I can never seem to forget
The smile you wore like a neon sign
Advertising
The solution to all of our problems
Before it flickered and burned out
*The first two lines were so/so... but I guess necessary to introduce the whole idea. The rest of the stanza painted a beautiful picture.


That cool afternoon in May
Remains branded behind my eyes
The breeze stirring your hair and my own
As we witnessed
The absolute perfection of nature
Before we saw the pollution
*Same as last stanza, just this time the first two lines are better. I especially like the last two lines.

That final telephone call
You told me not to cry for you
But you were far too late by that point
I said goodnight
And prayed that tomorrow all would be well
But you never saw the next day
*This one's missing the imagery, but it has the meaning.

I like this one. It has a nice form, some good imagery, and meaning. Nice job.

[MidnightHysteria]

Thanks, pal.

Anbody else with anything to say?

[Dancin' Man]

Linkin Park has a song that starts with the same words. Therefore, you should change them. Overall I like it. The writing is fairlysimple and direct yet tells the story well. That is something I find impressive. There are lines here and there that are really overused and uninspired. You have a tendency to either deliver yourmeaning well, or have good imagery, rarely both. Work on combining those two for maximum punch. Nice work.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=398227

[MidnightHysteria]

Thanks for the heads-up. I'll tweak the beginning and see what happens.

[MidnightHysteria]

Alright, I changed the first two lines to:

In spite of all my efforts,
I can't force myself to forget

Does this help?

[CrazyBass30]

Good song, I like it. What about "Remains branded behind my eyes"? Could you explain the meaning, I don't get it.

[MidnightHysteria]

It's finishing the sentence that was started in the previous line. IE, that afternoon has been etched into my brain.