More crap

[Happy_Squirrel]

THE PHYSICS OF REGRET

A summer drive on a Sunday night
I’m trying to tell you that I’m leaving this town
A white Mercedes blows through a red light
My foot hits the brake, It’s too late to slow down

Broken promises broken glass
Our discussion is halted by the impact of the crash
Twisted metal and shattered dreams
The silence is broken by our unheeded screams

These lives are so fragile, tell me why should we waste
Even one more day anchored, down to this place

Time slows down as we’re drifting away
If I could only get back the thoughts I wanted to say
If we’ve been living for money, then were we really alive?
Did we get what we wanted, or were we living a lie?

Careless Drivers and Careless Hearts
It takes much more than momentum to tear us apart
At the mercy of physics, we topple end over end
Helpless as we pray for this energy to expend

So much left to say and we’ve yet to come down
I hope you’re still listening when we’re back on the ground

All intelligent crits will be greatly appreciated. Cheers! :)

[Sloth]

although I'm black dotting this, this was much better than what I was expecting..It's much better than stuff I've seen from you in the past

[jade858907]

Alright, first off, this has nothing to do with your post, but to everyone eles who has abandond and wont acknowledge my presents dont worry I wont be coming back, is that good enough for you guys?
To your post, This was really good. Sorry I am not doing an indepth crit but really I am not in the mood. But I really did like the idea you had going. I liked it. 6.5/10 Thank you for criting me, I appreciate it. ~ Jade

[TojesDolan]

Alright, first off, this has nothing to do with your post, but to everyone eles who has abandond and wont acknowledge my presents dont worry I wont be coming back, is that good enough for you guys?
To your post, This was really good. Sorry I am not doing an indepth crit but really I am not in the mood. But I really did like the idea you had going. I liked it. 6.5/10 Thank you for criting me, I appreciate it. ~ Jade
oh c'mon, don't be ****ing silly. I love you. At least digitally.

A summer drive on a Sunday night
I’m trying to tell you that I’m leaving this town
A white Mercedes blows through a red light
My foot hits the brake, It’s too late to slow down

mmm... almost tight. It's good,... but not outstanding... there's something missing here. Maybe it's a little to desperate? I don't know. THe first line is good... Hold on, it might be introduction for...

Broken promises broken glass
Our discussion is halted by the impact of the crash
Twisted metal and shattered dreams
The silence is broken by our unheeded screams

Yes! A much better better stanza. In a car crash! amazing subject. It's grabbing a little bit out everywhere... I love it. It's taking shape, gathering forces. Some punctuation can help.

These lives are so fragile, tell me why should we waste
Even one more day anchored, down to this place

mmm... I don't know. I'd embrace the first line much more than the second one, develop the first idea instead of the first one. I prefer the latest.

Time slows down as we’re drifting away
If I could only get back the thoughts I wanted to say
If we’ve been living for money, then were we really alive?
Did we get what we wanted, or were we living a lie?

urgh... Philosophy. I don't like this because you try to make a memory of life... or your purpose... I don't know. It doesn't do the trick, really.

Careless Drivers and Careless Hearts
It takes much more than momentum to tear us apart
At the mercy of physics, we topple end over end
Helpless as we pray for this energy to expend

good, no real complains.


So much left to say and we’ve yet to come down
I hope you’re still listening when we’re back on the ground

Nice ending. Really good, but you can handle the whole... psychology of the situation better. It was nonetheless, just some revision would be nice. :)

All intelligent crits will be greatly appreciated. Cheers!

Sometime the stupidest crits are the one that make you feel better about yourself. :)

[PunkyMcEmo]

Muchos Gracias para el critiquo.

A summer drive on a Sunday night
I’m trying to tell you that I’m leaving this town
A white Mercedes blows through a red light
My foot hits the brake, It’s too late to slow down
^ Strong opening. It's really pop punky, like something by Fall Out Boy (who's a great band, regaurdless what people say). It's really sing songy and with the right melody, it'd be one of those things that you wanna dance to. I like it a lot.

Broken promises broken glass
Our discussion is halted by the impact of the crash
Twisted metal and shattered dreams
The silence is broken by our unheeded screams
^ This reminds me altogether too much of the song by thursday 'understanding in a car crash' but its not bad. They just use the same imagery, and it seems similar. I dunno what you'd do about that though. It is well written.

These lives are so fragile, tell me why should we waste
Even one more day anchored, down to this place
^ I'm not crazy about this chorus. If you could reword it, it might be better. The idea isn't bad at all, it's the flow of it.

Time slows down as we’re drifting away
If I could only get back the thoughts I wanted to say
If we’ve been living for money, then were we really alive?
Did we get what we wanted, or were we living a lie?
^ Ooh sweet. I dunno if this fits exactly with the rest of the song, but I like this a lot.

Careless Drivers and Careless Hearts
It takes much more than momentum to tear us apart
At the mercy of physics, we topple end over end
Helpless as we pray for this energy to expend
^ Ah, back to the main theme of the song. I'd rephrase the second line to 'It'll take more than momentum to tear us apart' because I don't really dig the 'much' there. Overall not bad.

So much left to say and we’ve yet to come down
I hope you’re still listening when we’re back on the ground
^ Nice ending

I like it a lot. This would be an extremely good catchy song. Things I'd change are minor flow problems and take out that verse that doesn't fit. It's good, just not in this song. 8/10 Nice :]

[Sloth]

A summer drive on a Sunday night
I’m trying to tell you that I’m leaving this town
A white Mercedes blows through a red light
My foot hits the brake, It’s too late to slow down I love that first line! The rest is alright.. nothing amazing.. I like the idea you have though...Telling someone you're leaving (presumably forever) and then you get into a car wreck..which I'm guessing one or both you die in....I feel like the 2ns parts of the last line should be flipped around. Maybe saying something along the lines of "slow down, but it's too late" I feel like the too late should end the line..


Broken promises broken glass
Our discussion is halted by the impact of the crash
Twisted metal and shattered dreams
The silence is broken by our unheeded screams I think you should put an "and" between promises and broken to help with the flow...also, use some punctuation to help with how the song is sung...show where the pauses and breaks are..


These lives are so fragile, tell me why should we waste
Even one more day anchored, down to this place I never find bridges or prechoruses or whatever you want to call these any good.. To impress someone with only two lines, they need to be amazing.. this isn't amazing, but it gets the job done.


Time slows down as we’re drifting away
If I could only get back the thoughts I wanted to say
If we’ve been living for money, then were we really alive?
Did we get what we wanted, or were we living a lie? I don't see why getting thoughts back of what you wanted to say would help anything...I could see how getting back the TIME needed to do that other stuff would help, but I feel like thoughts would achieve anything.. I don't like the 3rd line. It's too loose. "IF we were living for money..." It's not solid enough for me.


Careless Drivers and Careless Hearts
It takes much more than momentum to tear us apart
At the mercy of physics, we topple end over end
Helpless as we pray for this energy to expend I like your idea here and the first line...but the rest just doesn't do it for me.. I don't have any real complaints against it, but it just doesn't feel right..



So much left to say and we’ve yet to come down
I hope you’re still listening when we’re back on the ground
this is a peaceful ending.
Overall--it's not bad.. a little more attention to parts and you'll be fine :thumb:

[xKONRADx]

i really liked the ending. it was all good, the only problem i had with it was that you used some cliche lines. specifically the broken glass/lies line.

[Happy_Squirrel]

Thank you all for the critiques. They have been very useful. If I haven't critiqued any of your work lately, I'll get to it (soon or later).