I gave her a dollar

[silenceevolves]

crit for crit.

I gave her a dollar

I gave her a dollar yesterday.
I saw her twist and turn, debate
deep down behind those lovely eyes,
decide whether to get a drink,
or wait for something much better.
Needless to say, I don't know which side wins,
but I get the definite feeling I've been spent,
maybe.

[RockinAFender22]

I thought this was pretty good. Short, but still effective. There wasn't one line I didn't like in this one. Add more to this and it'll be brilliant.

[TojesDolan]

but I get the definite feeling I've been spent,
maybe.

My only not favorite part. It's good, short effective. Not a lot to criticize.

[silenceevolves]

Thanks you two.

[RyMac59]

i dont get what its about... its too short to get any meaning from it

[silenceevolves]

I thought the meaning was pretty obvious. Thank you for the comment, sir.

[jade858907]

Its cute. Are you thinking of expanding it? Sounds like me, lol, I am always bumming a dollar for a soda from this kid at school. I like the 'but I get the definite feeling I've been spent'. Cute, try and expand it ok~Jade
crit mine?

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=397573

[Rushki Smushki]

:D

This is very nice, there's is nothing that should be changed except for one bit that managed to skip past my brain:

"I saw her twist and turn, debate"

Why would she debate it if she's just using you? I might have missed something, but that section doesn't quite fit in with what you're saying.

Thanks for the read :thumb: