A Beautiful Disposition

[factor46]

Alright. Thought I'd try a new one. Please crit this guys. :thumb:


A Beautiful Disposition

No one sits at her doorstep anymore,
Waiting has long since been become overrated.
But I enjoy her masquerade.
I enjoy the scent of the roses and the tulips,
Not that she left me any to smell.
It’s when you arrive such a beautiful state,
A beautiful disposition,
Shallow becomes such a meaningless word.
But no one relies on words anymore,
Speaking has long since been become replaced.
And I despise this substitution.
Yes, it’s better to despise than it is to succumb,
Too bad no one tries that anymore.
But it’s when you fall for it that you kill,
What a beautiful loss,
Her face became such a meaningless sight.
Though still a sight nevertheless,
And oh, how I miss it.
Such a beautiful disposition.

[Sloth]

no crits yet?


Not that she left me any to smell. NICE!


Shallow becomes such a meaningless word.
But no one relies on words anymore,
Speaking has long since been become replaced. Very nice!


I love the way you word this....My only complaint is this line But it’s when you fall for it that you kill, I don't know if it's the flow (or lack of flow) but this is horribly uncomfortable.. other than that...:thumb:

[Happy_Squirrel]

No one sits at her doorstep anymore,
Waiting has long since been become overrated.Maybe it's just me, but in my mind use of the word "overrated" has become cliche.

It’s when you arrive such a beautiful state,
A beautiful disposition,
Shallow becomes such a meaningless word.
But no one relies on words anymore,
Speaking has long since been become replaced.
And I despise this substitution. I really liked this whole part. I don't really get the part about how this beautiful state forces "Shallow to become a meaningless word", but it all sounds nice. I really like the lines about how speaking has long since been replaced. I find this so true. Conversation seems like its becoming a lost art.

I really liked the rest of this piece, but I didn't really understand most of it, which makes it a little hard for me to critique it properly. Overall, pretty sweet. Could use a little work. 8/10 (?) :)

[factor46]

Thanks so much guys. Your critiques really help me out. :D

[youneverevenknew]

the way you word things is beautiful i think u r an awsome writter nick! maybe sum day we can get together and put a song/track together..i hope!
-ashlie

[factor46]

Thanks ash. :D

[RollerQueen]

Your name's Nick? Mine's Dan. Salutations, Mr. Fear Before the March of Flames giraffe.

Neutrality. That's what I feel for this piece. While the use of "overrated" is weak, its flow with "masquerade" is pleasant, so those issues even out. Let me say how much I like the Orwellian premise of people finding it easier to succumb than to despise or really feel anything. Excellent. The way you get that across, though, is the problem. Nihilism as a basis for beauty, eh?

What else can I say? The ideas are good, but the language is stifled. I think that's all I can say... Sorry if this is a bit lackluster (lacking luster and sheen and shine), but it has been a long, confusing day.

If you can, check out Amaranthine. (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=398395) The Corporation thanks you.

[factor46]

Orwellian. Nice. :D

I haven't even read 1984, or anything of Orwell's for that matter. So I didn't even know I was treading those grounds.

But thanks for the comments Dan. Intelligence is always the best critique. And that's what you give. And for that, I'm appreciative.

I will give yours a comment or two in a bit. Right now, I'm in a hurry, getting ready for school again. Have a nice day.

Signed,
Mr. Fear Before the March of Flames Giraffe.
:lol: