'Oh my god, shut up' - he shouted

[lilsolsman]

A short poem/song kind of thing.

It's about that feeling when you lie in the dark, and thoughts that float around keep you awake.

“Oh My God! Shut up!” he shouted,
The musikito wouldn’t stop his hum
“What if he bites?” he shouted!
Only silence pulled through

“What have I done?” he shouted
Chemicals in his brain started feeding
“They’re doing it again!” He shouted
“I feel it burning inside!” He shouted

I wish he had someone like you,
You’ve always been good at handling things.
“Stop it, please, Stop it”, he shouted
“Stop it, Stop it!” he shouted in vain

Not sure what to call it yet, the title of the thread was the 'working title'

[SubtleDagger]

Too literal. This reads like a narrative and very few poets can succeed with getting across emotions writing that way. Your grammar isn't so great either and that doesn't help.

[PunkyMcEmo]

Yeah I agree with SubtleDagger.

It's just kinda boring. Like, there's nothing below the surface, and it doesn't rhyme either. I dunno. Not my taste, but it's not nessacarily bad.

[lilsolsman]

Too literal. This reads like a narrative and very few poets can succeed with getting across emotions writing that way. Your grammar isn't so great either and that doesn't help.

Damn my dutchness.

Thanks, i think i understand what you mean. Let me at least try to take out every grammar mistake.

It's just kinda boring. Like, there's nothing below the surface, and it doesn't rhyme either. I dunno. Not my taste, but it's not nessacarily bad.

I did the 'nothing below the surface' thing on purpose.

[SubtleDagger]

Damn my dutchness.

Thanks, i think i understand what you mean. Let me at least try to take out every grammar mistake.
Eh, it's alright really, the grammar isn't what kills it, it's just that you're not really going anywhere poetically, it's just sort of a random statement.

[lilsolsman]

Eh, it's alright really, the grammar isn't what kills it, it's just that you're not really going anywhere poetically, it's just sort of a random statement.

Well, actually, that's really what it is.

It's a moment in a life, a snapshot.

Like Harold Weathervein on Cursive's The Ugly Organ, but without the genius.

[metaliq]

You repeated the "he shouted" thing too many times.

[Happy_Squirrel]

Yeah, I have to agree with most of the above comments. I guess I understand what you're trying to do with the whole "trying to capture the moment" thing, but I guess it doesn't really work for me because the topic doesn't really hold my interest. I also agree that you say "he shouted" too many times.

SubtleDagger: I'm sure that you've already heard this, but your new avatar is truly sick and disgusting. I like it.