Cash or Card

[Jublian]

just seeing how it goes in the real world


Cash or Card

I am the sum of all your greed
‘Something to despise
In a world so superficial
Where the product is the prize

I am all that you desire
Yet I am nothing new
When your eyes are set on me
You don’t know what to do…


With all that you have
What do you have to show

There is nothing to look forward to
When all is left behind
You only get one tragic life
Where will you draw the line?


With all that you have
What do you have to show?

I am the sum of all your greed
‘Something to despise
In a world so superficial
I am the apple of your eye

[PunkyMcEmo]

Not too bad. Heh it reminds me of that annoying country song 'Alcohol'. Not in the way that it's annoying, beacuse I think yours is very well written. It's the whole 'The evil is speaking first person, explaining itself' satirical thing. I think it's pretty sweet, even if done a little too much.

The chorus is okay. It's short sweet and to the point, but without a catchy vocal melody for it, it'll get bland and annoying fast. Personally I'd trash the 3rd stanza. The rest of it's great, and I like it a lot, but the third stanza doesn't further the song, and it's not particularly amazing either.

Get rid of the third stanza, come up a catchy chorus melody, and put this jawn to music and you'll have a sweet song. :]

[Jublian]

i agree about the third, it don't fit too well, thanks for the compliments.

the thrid stanza was actually part of another, unfinished song i wrote. i think i'll can it like you said though

[Happy_Squirrel]

I am the sum of all your greed
‘Something to despise
In a world so superficial
Where the product is the prizeAwesome opening verse.

I am all that you desire
Yet I am nothing new
When your eyes are set on me
You don’t know what to do…I liked this except for the last line...seemed kind of weak and uninteresting compared to the rest for some reason.

With all that you have
What do you have to show

There is nothing to look forward to
When all is left behind
You only get one tragic life
Where will you draw the line?I liked most of this. But once again, I thought the last line was kind of weak. "Where will you draw the line" just seems kind of generic to me.

I am the sum of all your greed
‘Something to despise
In a world so superficial
I am the apple of your eyeAwesome ending.

Overall, I think that you did a great job of expressing a rather tired subject (greed/materialism) in a rather creative way. As mentioned, I think that a couple of lines could use some work. 8/10. :thumb:

[blueseptember]

i'm a sucker for short repeated choruses...i like it and i also agree with the third stanza comments..it doesnt fit too well but you redeem yourself with the end line. Nice way to wrap up a good song..teach it to your band and go crazy