The Scary Place

[ozzfest05]

The Scary Place

wretched days and wicked nights,
the fairylands tremble,

daemonic grounds
that fill with light,
and pieces we must assemble,

I put a needle through my blister,
The puss begins to seep,

clench my fist to ease the pain,
feelings of comfort we cannot keep,

forsaken lies your plenished sorrow,
hatred from within us bounds,

taken fear for tommorow,
carnage unfolding on the grounds,

sharpened flagpole through the heart,
sand paper to wipe your tears,

another life that fell apart
war was ones worst fear.

[PunkyMcEmo]

wretched days and wicked nights,
the fairlylands tremble,
^All dark and stuff. Nice. This has a really Ozzy mood.

deamonic grounds
that fill with light,
a face with no ressemble,
^ I don't really like the language here. Resemble is a verb, and you're using it like a noun. I don't really understand why that last lines there at all.

a needle through my blister,
puss begins to seap,
^ Eww. But in metal, all is possible. May I suggest something a little bit less gorey and ***** (pronounced puhsy not *****)?

clench my fist to ease the pain,
i must not fall asleep
^ This works. I still can't tell what this song is about except something happening that's hard to deal with, yet you have to to keep things right.

forsaken lies your plenished sorrow,
hatred from withing us bounds,
^ Your language is really weird here. It's good ideas, and not too bad, but the way you say it is awkward. Also, watch your spelling when posting songs, especially with something that makes it hard to understand.

taken fear for tommorow,
carnage unfolding on the grounds,
^ Some sort of battle allusion. Again, nice. You've got a good tone for Black Sabbathy kinda metal songs, with lotsa catchy guitar riffs and melodic solos.

sharpen flagpole through the heart,
sand paper to wipe your tears,
^ Is the flagpole a political thing? If this song is just about war, keep it. If it's symbolizing war to represent something else, use a word like steak or some synonym.

another life that fell apart
war was ones worst fear.
^ Sweet ending.

Okay here's the deal. Good stuff, good ideas, but really awkward language. If you could fix a little bit of that weird phrasings, you could have a bitchin' 80s metal song, and as your name is Ozzfest, I assume that's what you're going for.

[ozzfest05]

thanks for an indepth crit i really appreciate that, i fixed some errors i seen as i looked over it and i think now it flows much better and wording more to my standard.

[PunkyMcEmo]

Ahh okay. Yeah it looks a lot better. Critique mine if you get the chance