3rd Degree Burns

[PunkyMcEmo]

I haven't posted anything here in a while. This is just something I'm playing around with. I still need some sort of chorus, and any ideas would be greatly appreciated. I'm going for acoustic indie sound, but I don't know if I'll even bother making this a song. Give me feed back and I'll obviously critique you back, to the best of my ability. Enjoy.

3rd Degree Burns

Living in a burning building,
trying to feed the flames.
Giving up our innocence,
writing 'failed' next to our names.
What was once a worthy cause is now an ugly flaw.
Jaded by each and every morning after's dawn.

The winters finally over.
These blazing twilight skies.
Everyone take cover.
The building's falling down tonight.
Can you hear the music written
as nails slash against the wall?
Victims of their fathers curse;
That fukcing apple and the fall.

Were on falling plane to hell,
and we've hi-jacked ourselves.
The answers that we've already read
gather dust upon the shelves.
Liars passion and a steamy window
stifle our exhausted breathing,
and we long to fill this fukcing void,
give our tortured hearts some meaning.

Okay again, critique me, I'll critique you. The end.

[HomeCatMickey8]

"Living in a burning building,
trying to feed the flames.
Giving up our innocence,
writing 'failed' next to our names.
What was once a worthy cause is now an ugly flaw.
Jaded by each and every morning after's dawn."
*Good, good. Although the whole idea of burning buildings is used a lot nowadays, you gave it some flava. I liked the "failed" line and then the next two lines after it were written very well.

"The winters finally over.
These blazing twilight skies.
Everyone take cover.
The building's falling down tonight.
Can you hear the music written
as nails slash against the wall?
Victims of their fathers curse;
That fukcing apple and the fall."
*Quite lovely imagery you got here. I don't understand the last line...


"Were on falling plane to hell,
and we've hi-jacked ourselves.
The answers that we've already read
gather dust upon the shelves.
Liars passion and a steamy window
stifle our exhausted breathing,
and we long to fill this fukcing void,
give our tortured hearts some meaning."
*Wow. "we've hi-jacked ourselves", "The answers that we've already read gather dust upon the shelves." and "give our tortured hearts some meaning." are some top notch lines.

The only thing that I can even think that you could change is the last line of the second verse. Maybe that doesn't need to be changed and I just don't understand it. I'm not sure which.

[PunkyMcEmo]

Thanks dude. You give good critiques =]

Oh. the last line of the second verse is an allusion to Adam and Eve. Victims our father's curse (Adam), that F***ing apple and the fall, refers to the whole forbidden fruit fiasco that christians attribute to why the world's evil.

Any more?

[lilsolsman]

acoustic indie sound

My kind of guy.

Living in a burning building,
trying to feed the flames.
Giving up our innocence,
writing 'failed' next to our names.
What was once a worthy cause is now an ugly flaw.
Jaded by each and every morning after's dawn.

Burning buildings are used a lot, but like the other guy said, you 'gave it flava'. 3'd and 4th line are really nice. The last line is a little confusing, i'm not sure about the meaning. Explain? Other than that i like it.

The winters finally over.
These blazing twilight skies.
Everyone take cover.
The building's falling down tonight.
Can you hear the music written
as nails slash against the wall?
Victims of their fathers curse;
That fukcing apple and the fall.

The 4th line doesn't flow very nice. I'd make it something like 'everyone take cover, we're coming down tonight' although that doesn't make a lot of sense. (just an example for the flow). The last 4 lines don't really do much for me but then again, i'm not really sure what you're trying to tell.

Were on falling plane to hell,
and we've hi-jacked ourselves.
The answers that we've already read
gather dust upon the shelves.
Liars passion and a steamy window
stifle our exhausted breathing,
and we long to fill this fukcing void,
give our tortured hearts some meaning.

The first line is a little weird, it feels out of place. The second line is lovely. The 3d and 4th line are nice. I love the last line.

[PunkyMcEmo]

Oh yeah. I wasn't very clear on purpose, but I'm not sure how to do it without like, either confusing people to death or being obvious and giving away my whole idea. Eh, practice I assume. (Acoustic Indie rules)

Heres the 'thought' behind it or whatever:
Well the burning building metaphor represents desire, passion, want. Of anything really, sex, power, material. (I mostly focus on sex and lust here, because I wanna write a sequal song about true love.) And if you give into your desire, you're basically feeding a fire, because then your're only going to want more later. What once impressed now is trite, overdone and meaningless. Sorta like trying to quench a thirst by drinking saw dust I guess. The burning building is society as a whole, just trying to feed their little fires, not noticing that all their problems will eventually collapse the materialistic life they live. We become 'jaded by morning after's dawns' Like we wake up after a night of passion and realize its just something we've done before and will do again.

The second stanza is sorta restating, and realizing how the whole building we've set on fire is coming down (sort of like growing up and realizing you've already lived your life out and you'll never be able to appreciate a lot of things the same way as someone who didn't). The ending is like searching for something better, which is love, contentment, or serenity.

Heh. Not that you cared that much or anything... Thanks a lot for the crit too. I'll try to give you really good crit on your next piece.

[Happy_Squirrel]

Living in a burning building,
trying to feed the flames.
Giving up our innocence,
writing 'failed' next to our names.
What was once a worthy cause is now an ugly flaw.
Jaded by each and every morning after's dawn.I loved this opening verse. Don't change a thing, IMO.

The winters finally over.
These blazing twilight skies.
Everyone take cover.
The building's falling down tonight.
Can you hear the music written
as nails slash against the wall?
Victims of their fathers curse;
That fukcing apple and the fall.I really liked this verse, too. I wasn't crazy about the "nails slash against the wall" line. I also agree with lilsolsman that the line "The building's falling down tonight" could use some rewording. However, I don't think that you should actually get rid of image of the building falling down. I appreciate what lilsolsman is trying to get across, but I think that this imagery is awesome. I just don't feel that replacing this concrete image with something more abstract like "we're coming down" would do your song justice. But then again, I really like vivid images in songs/poetry and I'm addicted to crack.

Were on falling plane to hell,
and we've hi-jacked ourselves.
The answers that we've already read
gather dust upon the shelves.
Liars passion and a steamy window
stifle our exhausted breathing,
and we long to fill this fukcing void,
give our tortured hearts some meaning.I assume that there's a typo in the first line? Kind of hard to read. I didn't really like the 3rd & 4th lines (answers/dust upon shelves). Other than that, this was an excellent closer.

I think that it needs a little work, but you've got some excellent ideas and imagery. 9/10. :thumb:

[ozzfest05]

Living in a burning building,
trying to feed the flames.
Giving up our innocence,
writing 'failed' next to our names.
What was once a worthy cause is now an ugly flaw.
Jaded by each and every morning after's dawn.

(Seems a little forced, and the last two lines could be re written to flow better)

The winters finally over.
These blazing twilight skies.
Everyone take cover.
The building's falling down tonight.
Can you hear the music written
as nails slash against the wall?
Victims of their fathers curse;
That fukcing apple and the fall.

(good imagry with blazing twilight skies, i like, dont like the swear doesnt seem appropriate for what you have but i never like to swear unless i have to in my songs seems kinda childish)

Were on falling plane to hell,
and we've hi-jacked ourselves.
The answers that we've already read
gather dust upon the shelves.
Liars passion and a steamy window
stifle our exhausted breathing,
and we long to fill this fukcing void,
give our tortured hearts some meaning

( this part seems kinda darker and written with abit more anger , swear here isnt as bad but could be changed, totured hearyts sounds cool but maybe used in a different verse)

overall not too bad, sorry for the wait

[Sword2020]

3rd Degree Burns

Living in a burning building,
trying to feed the flames.
Giving up our innocence,
writing 'failed' next to our names.
What was once a worthy cause is now an ugly flaw.
Jaded by each and every morning after's dawn.

(The first 4 lines are awesome. The only suggestion I can give is to change "giving up OUR innocence" to "giving up ON innocence." That would make it even more powerful I think. The last two lines are alright, but the last line's poor flow ends the stanza badly.)

The winters finally over.
These blazing twilight skies.
Everyone take cover.
The building's falling down tonight.
Can you hear the music written
as nails slash against the wall?
Victims of their fathers curse;
That fukcing apple and the fall.

(This is good two, but not as good as the first verse. The only suggestion I can think of at the moment is to change "as nails slash against the wall," which is not a very good image or line, to "by each nail ripped from the wall," or just something else. Finally the last two lines here a much better than the ones form the last verse.)

Were on falling plane to hell,
and we've hi-jacked ourselves.
The answers that we've already read
gather dust upon the shelves.
Liars passion and a steamy window
stifle our exhausted breathing,
and we long to fill this fukcing void,
give our tortured hearts some meaning.


(This stanza ius just not that good. I can see the image and all, but it jsut isn't as smooth or anything. "Ourselves" and "shelves" don't sound good as a rhyme, and the last line sounds kinda cliche.)

In the end it was pretty good, but it could use some revision. I'd be interested to see this as an aucoustic song, because the last verse read like it was meant to be screamed. Anyway, there you go, and thanks for the crit.

-Sword