Happy sad freaks

[Atom Heart mother]

This is a piece that i'm currently working on, not much else to say but i have an idea of how it should sound. crit4crit as usual.


Happy sad freaks:


There are voices ‘round my head
Jealous minds, wanderin round the bend
The countryside is burning down
The blaze might bring pain to some
Try to find the good,
Deep down we’re unhappy
But try to find the good
I laugh until my sides are split
I laugh until I suffocate
But my mind is still crying
All alone in the corner

Happy sad freaks wander all around you
Look inside their smiles,
And inside the clutter
The happy sad freaks
Still find their lives quite bleak
Come on
You happy sad freak
Come on now
You're just another freak


Loosing ground and loosing men
The laughing people still defend
Crying to the beat of laughter
Cry till the laughter puts them to sleep
Life is fun and has its curves
Got ups and down
It’s a roller coaster ride
Let’s all ride it one more time


Happy sad freaks wander all around you
Look inside their smiles,
And inside the clutter
The happy sad freaks
Still find their lives quite bleak
Come on
You happy sad freak
Come on now
You're just another freak


Shining like an old diamond ring
Dull and dumb but still had sheen
I paint myself up in bright and blue
How am I feeling, can I be sure
We all seem quite happy
But we’re out of control
Sad on the inside but, play it cool
And take a ride on the coaster
Don’t take you bright pants off
You’re still looking happy
Keep that smile half assed on
And keep your own two feet
A’ movin along
Keep that smile on
You happy sad freak
Keep that smile on
You happy sad freak

Thanks for readin.

[PunkyMcEmo]

Hey. Here's a crit.

There are voices ‘round my head
Jealous minds, wanderin round the bend
The countryside is burning down
The blaze might bring pain to some
Try to find the good,
Deep down we’re unhappy
But try to find the good
I laugh until my sides are split
I laugh until I suffocate
But my mind is still crying
All alone in the corner
^ A little indecisive, and not focused, but the imagery is good. 'Put on a happy face, even when there's one hell of a frown behind the mask.' kinda thing? That was the impression I was getting.

Happy sad freaks wander all around you
Look inside their smiles,
And inside the clutter
The happy sad freaks
Still find their lives quite bleak
Come on
You happy sad freak
Come on now
You're just another freak
^ The freak - bleak rhyme didn't make me particularly excited, and the repitition wasn't great either, but I love you ideas. That seems to be your problem. Great ideas, you just need practice expressing them better.

Loosing ground and loosing men
The laughing people still defend
Crying to the beat of laughter
Cry till the laughter puts them to sleep
Life is fun and has its curves
Got ups and down
It’s a roller coaster ride
Let’s all ride it one more time
^ Again, I really like youre ideas, your imagery is nice, but little stuff like saying 'cry' and 'laughter' twice each in two lines detract. Maybe you could elucidate a little bit more. I find myself reading, thinking I understand, but not being able to tell because it's a little bit vague.


Happy sad freaks wander all around you
Look inside their smiles,
And inside the clutter
The happy sad freaks
Still find their lives quite bleak
Come on
You happy sad freak
Come on now
You're just another freak


Shining like an old diamond ring
Dull and dumb but still had sheen
I paint myself up in bright and blue
How am I feeling, can I be sure
We all seem quite happy
But we’re out of control
Sad on the inside but, play it cool
And take a ride on the coaster
Don’t take you bright pants off
You’re still looking happy
Keep that smile half assed on
And keep your own two feet
A’ movin along
Keep that smile on
You happy sad freak
Keep that smile on
You happy sad freak
^ Good, overall. The imagery is the best yet I think, except for the 'keep your pants on' line. It doesn't really fit.

Overall, good. You could do better with practice, and chances are if you do practice you'll be a good songwriter (suprise suprise). Little things like awkward rhyming, bad repition, and flow things drug this down though. 6.5/10