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hotcod32
09-30-2005, 07:43 PM
not amamzeing... did it in 10 mins... what you guys think?

“Cold lips on your neck”

Here and there you are,
Always thought this a stop to far,
I know you knew you’d see me,
You knew, you knew,
Because you know,
It’s what your luck would do,
But before I can fly a fool,
Your twisting smile holds me to you,
And your lancing eyes draw me in,
You just say ‘I have a place to be’,
So we wait with recoil to rain,
The warmth from your arm feels like pain,
As I grimaces to you,
With out a word to say,
We wait, we wait,

Now I see you,
Reflected honestly,
In the windows,
Of the bus I need,
As I wish that,
What is on your cheek,
Was just another rain drop,
Falling slowly,

With awkward grace you pose,
A laughing sweating rose,
That begs out to me,
Beautiful,
To run, to run,
I would bend to hands and knees,
Just to be begging choking please,
Listen to me I want to say,
Breaking your heart broke mine that day,
And that between my fingers feel,
Aching empty with out yours to fill,
It’s not hard to say,
But hard to live with,
I was wrong, so wrong,

Now I see you,
Reflected honestly,
In the windows,
Of the bus I need,
As I wish that,
What is on your cheek,
Was just another rain drop,
Falling slowly,

In the moment that you leave,
You have push gently past me,
With my arm that burns to ask,
To slip in to your hand,
Which flex unrest,
But you just watch me,
Smiling sadly,
You draw a heart,
In the window,
You do, you do,
And then you’re gone,

Rayne264
09-30-2005, 08:36 PM
it was pretty good. im really tired so i didnt really analyze it, but i will say these lines
"So we wait with recoil to rain,
The warmth from your arm feels like pain"
really jumped out at me for some reason, well written

PunkyMcEmo
09-30-2005, 10:43 PM
You wrote it in 10 minutes... so that translates to... a 2 minutes critique. Just kidding. Umm, last few lines of the chorus are really smooth. I really like it. The first verse was 'eh'. Not horribly bad, but not particularly stunning. It did have some good lines, but compared to that witty not-even-so-cliche little chorus line, I know you can do better. The second verse was slightly better, and fit the song better in my opinion. I really like the 'you draw a heart in the window' line in the third verse. I think the way you have it is nice.
Overall, for a 10 minute thing, good. If you would've spent more time, edited and stuff, it could have been much better. 6.7/10

hotcod32
10-03-2005, 11:25 AM
Thanks guys, it proably needs a rewrite or two as everything i ever write dose, but dout i'll ever really get around to it... but hehe a 2 min crit seems about right :P

hotcod32
10-03-2005, 07:58 PM
You can see the new song based off this one here (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=9882626#post9882626)