Soul

[StrangelyBrewed13]

Heres my first draft. Make suggestions. If you leave a link Ill crit yours.

Sing songs, make me feel good today.
Take a breah, try again.
Whats behind that smile isnt okay.

All above a bowl of empty life.

And above me the moon is shinning its own misgivings.
Showing me a lack of life and events around me.
Leading me away from what I could be living.

All above a bowl of empty life.

And even while walking on the sun my feet get cold.
Banging my head against the same old wall.
While this tune in my head is starting to get old.

All above a bowl of empty life.

The time between these blows are getting less an less.
As the knees under me start to sink into the mud.
And my vision starts to blurr and fade into darkness.

[XemoXmoshXpitX]

Alright, good song. It's not repetitive, even with the bowl line you have thrown in between verses, and it's not overly complicated. I don't like the word "ain't" in the first verse. Well, basically in any song. It just annoys me for some odd reason. The second verse is solid....no suggestions on that one. I like the presence of questions in the third verse, but the third one seems too specific. It seems as if you're trying to relate holidays/praising to something else, but it wasn't pulled off so smooth. Overall, it's good.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=395749

[StrangelyBrewed13]

bump^^^^^

[hotcod32]

its... ok... its got life and images and feeling. Yet it still just feels bland. I don't get any real sense of what your trying to say or what the images are ment to mean. Its the kind of song i'd expect from say simple life or some one. One thing i will say if for the love of god lose the 3rd verse, it brings the whole song down.

But ya, not the best thing ever but good :)

[PunkyMcEmo]

I agree with hotcod. The first verse rhyme has been done to death, but the 'empty bowl of life' is kinda nice. That's some good imagery. I like it. Second verse is way better. I really like it. It's not Conor Oberst, but it's what you need for a good song. Meaningful, simple, and flows perfectly. Nice job there. 3rd stanza sounds like it could be something, but falls a little short. The sun metaphor is nice, but the 'old - cold' rhyme could be made better somehow. Last stanza starts out good but ends weak. Fade into darkness is really really cliche, and you wanna end strong. If you do one thing, end strong. Definitely not bad. 7/10, and would fit perfectly to music, so I'll give it a 7.5/10. keep up the good work :D

[StrangelyBrewed13]

bump

[StrangelyBrewed13]

bump

[Happy_Squirrel]

Sing songs, make me feel good today.
Take a breah, try again.
Whats behind that smile isnt okay.

All above a bowl of empty life.Mmmmkay...Well, I thought the 3rd line was worded a bit awkwardly. I don't really get the refrain about the bowl of empty life, but I'm a left-brain thinker.

And above me the moon is shinning its own misgivings.
Showing me a lack of life and events around me.
Leading me away from what I could be living.I LOVE the first line. Again, the second line here seems awkwardly worded. The 3rd line just seems kind of boring.

And even while walking on the sun my feet get cold.
Banging my head against the same old wall.
While this tune in my head is starting to get old.Once again, you start off with a killer line, but it seems like you lose inspiration after that.

The time between these blows are getting less an less.
As the knees under me start to sink into the mud.
And my vision starts to blurr and fade into darkness.FYI, is getting less and less. Good imagery here, albeit a bit depressing. I agree with Punky: the fade into darkness thing is pretty cliche.

I think that you've got some great lines coupled with some average ones here. I'd personally take the best ones, scrap the rest and start again. But that's just me. 6.5/10.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=397592