The Waiting Room Replay

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Sorry if I haven't gotten to critiquing your piece yet, but I'm probably doing it right now. As always, crits matched or maybe exceeded.

Ben Stivers
9/30/05

The Waiting Room Replay

A synopsis of my situation:
It almost reminds me of a hopsital.
I can hear the scarring over, and the outlook is less than hopeful.
She's shattered like the quarry stones.

Granted, the black lights show the brightest whites,
In that oncoming crash with the imprint into the hood,
And shattered windshield shards scattering like stars into the night.
She was so beautiful.

I really think I could've said I loved her.

And one simply elegant statement could replace the awkwardness of the situation, but who the **** is a poet at a time like this?

[Sword2020]

Wow. That was really good. I liked the bluntness of the final lines in each stanza, they tightened the flow, and drove hoem the message. I wouldn't say to change anything, but my least favrotie line is "And shattered winshield shards skcattering like stars into the night." There are too many s's. Otherwise, it's really quite well done. If you wouldn't mind critting mine (it's untitled at the moment, but my name is there) I would really appreciate it. Thanks,

-Sword

[XemoXmoshXpitX]

The last three lines are really strong. They could have been put in a generic emo song, but they fit nice and powerfully in your styled song. I don't think the song should start out with "A Synopsis of the situation" because after reading it, you'd understand that it indeed is a synopsis without reading that line. If you took that line out completely, it would start off quite nicely. "scattering like stars into the night" is an awkward phrase also. I believe the simile is a little weak and can be reworked. If you changed those things, I'd have no other constructive crit to give. Great job. You're one of the better writers here.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=395749

[BlindWriting]

As usual, I continue to enjoy reading your stuff. I could go into detail, but I won't. Great work.

[hotcod32]

As ever, fantastic stuff sir... can't say its the best i've seen from you, as it feels a bit i don't know, almost bogged down with in it self. Which is a shame becuse the imagrey is beuaitful :)

[Atom Heart mother]

Wow that's really amazing, i like the imagery with the "like the quarry stones" and "scattering like stars into the nihgt". This is a really beautiful piece even though it's length is a little short for my taste but it is truly awsome. Also you might want to change one of the two "shattereds" into broken, shredded, smashed or something of that sort. Keep up the goos wrok.

[PunkyMcEmo]

Really flipping good. I like the way it doesn't stick to any particular rhyme scheme. It gives it a nice mood, like it's chaotic and confused, yet expressed perfectly.
"In that oncoming crash with the imprint into the hood,"
This line is kind of awkward. It just doesn't flow right, and there's about 50 million other ways you could have expressed this.
The last line fits perfectly. I like it a lot. The whole song is really nice, but break up songs aren't just a little bit cliched. Anyway, still better than everything else up here. Nice job. 8/10