Untitled at the Moment (I swear I will match your crit)

[Sword2020]

Here's a song I wrote a little bit ago, and I would have put it up sooner, except that I've having trouble with the chorus (the one you see here is the third one I've tried). Tell me what you think, about the whole song and the chrous, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can with the equivalent of whatever you gave me.

I found a hole inside of my head
It’s waiting for me
It says that I’m dead
But I can’t understand
Why I’m still here
And I can’t understand
And I can’t really see it but I


Dream I know I’m coming to you
I think I felt that I really knew
And I hope to help you get alo-o-ong
All I ask is you hear my song oh yeah


I found a lie ingrained in my mind
It’s calling to me
It says to decide
But I’m scared to believe
That I am in reach
I’m too scared to believe
And I’m scared to give in but I


Dream I know I’m coming to you
I think I felt that I really knew
And I hope to help you get alo-o-ong
All I ask is you hear my song oh yeah


Can you see that spot on my brain
And I’ll ask you now
Do you feel the same
Cause I think we all are
Hurtin’ that way
But I think we all are
Lost and we all are going away
We’re going away
We’re going away
We’re going away
We’re going away
But I still


Dream I know I’m coming to you
I think I felt that I really knew
And I hope to help you get alo-o-ong
All I ask is you hear my song oh yeah

There you are, and thanks for the crit.

-Sword

[PunkyMcEmo]

I found a hole inside of my head
It’s waiting for me
It says that I’m dead
But I can’t understand
Why I’m still here
And I can’t understand
And I can’t really see it but I
^ Decent. Not really incredible but I like the overall idea. Why do you 'it's waiting for me'? I'd personally take out the 2nd understand line out. It doesn't repeat too well.

Dream I know I’m coming to you
I think I felt that I really knew
And I hope to help you get alo-o-ong
All I ask is you hear my song oh yeah
^ The first line is bitchin'. 2nd and 3rd lines are good too. 4th line is cliche and sounds like a force rhyme. Yeah definitely work on this chorus a wee bit more.

I found a lie ingrained in my mind
It’s calling to me
It says to decide
But I’m scared to believe
That I am in reach
I’m too scared to believe
And I’m scared to give in but I
^ Fix 'that I am in reach' because it doesn't flow. Not a bad stanza at all.

Dream I know I’m coming to you
I think I felt that I really knew
And I hope to help you get alo-o-ong
All I ask is you hear my song oh yeah


Can you see that spot on my brain
And I’ll ask you now
Do you feel the same
Cause I think we all are
Hurtin’ that way
But I think we all are
Lost and we all are going away
We’re going away
We’re going away
We’re going away
We’re going away
But I still
^ Eh. I didn't really like that. Lotsa cliches and the spot on my brain thing didn't accomplish the seriousness you're going for I don't think.

Dream I know I’m coming to you
I think I felt that I really knew
And I hope to help you get alo-o-ong
All I ask is you hear my song oh yeah

Yeah. My crits are kinda mean I guess, but that's what I think should go down. Good work. :]

[ShakeyAir]

I found a hole inside of my head
It’s waiting for me
It says that I’m dead
But I can’t understand
Why I’m still here
And I can’t understand
And I can’t really see it but I

**Wierd mix of metaphor(I think) and speaking clearly. I don't really see where you're going with it.

Dream I know I’m coming to you
I think I felt that I really knew
And I hope to help you get alo-o-ong
All I ask is you hear my song oh yeah

**Scratch that last line, please.2nd line is boring. First is cool, 3rd is decent.

I found a lie ingrained in my mind
It’s calling to me
It says to decide
But I’m scared to believe
That I am in reach
I’m too scared to believe
And I’m scared to give in but I

**Now this entire verse is ****ing cool. Don't change it.

Dream I know I’m coming to you
I think I felt that I really knew
And I hope to help you get alo-o-ong
All I ask is you hear my song oh yeah


Can you see that spot on my brain
And I’ll ask you now
Do you feel the same
Cause I think we all are
Hurtin’ that way
But I think we all are
Lost and we all are going away
We’re going away
We’re going away
We’re going away
We’re going away
But I still

**'We're going away' is kind of a boring line to repeat, but it could sound cool.

Dream I know I’m coming to you
I think I felt that I really knew
And I hope to help you get alo-o-ong
All I ask is you hear my song oh yeah

-Sword

Overall seems really forced, I really like the 2nd verse though. Crits in quote.

[fretfriend]

I found a hole inside of my head
It’s waiting for me
It says that I’m dead
But I can’t understand
Why I’m still here
And I can’t understand
And I can’t really see it but I

the use of the rhyme in the content is ok but this song sounds like It has lots of emotion tied to it and this song could stand not to rhyme in the verses because of the tied together feelings.

Dream I know I’m coming to you
I think I felt that I really knew
And I hope to help you get alo-o-ong
All I ask is you hear my song oh yeah


I found a lie ingrained in my mind
It’s calling to me
It says to decide
But I’m scared to believe
That I am in reach
I’m too scared to believe
And I’m scared to give in but I

This is one of the best verses I have heard latly. good job!!

Dream I know I’m coming to you
I think I felt that I really knew
And I hope to help you get alo-o-ong
All I ask is you hear my song oh yeah


Can you see that spot on my brain
And I’ll ask you now
Do you feel the same
Cause I think we all are
Hurtin’ that way
But I think we all are
Lost and we all are going away
We’re going away
We’re going away
We’re going away
We’re going away
But I still

not a good analogy "spot on brain" because no one really gets what you are talking about. and if you trail off the "we're going away" that would sound cool.

Dream I know I’m coming to you
I think I felt that I really knew
And I hope to help you get alo-o-ong
All I ask is you hear my song oh yeah

Good song though thanks for letting us read it!

[Sword2020]

Thanks for all the crits, and my apologies to those who have posted here and not receivedd a crit in return (especially Punky McEmo). I've been really busy, but I will return all of your crits tommorrow.

-Sword