I'm Not Worth It (I swear I will match your crit)

[Sword2020]

Here's my newest song, I'm not really sure how good it is, as it's coming from a group of other songs all written during a writing slump, but let me know what you think, and I'll be sure to give you a crit in return.

I have heard in certain corners
Corners I have never been
That all the world is in wreckage
That all the songs are now dead

I have seen in blurry pictures
Pictures that I never took
Children crying for their mothers
Children lost now since their birth


And I am told by all the people
By all the books I ever read
That life is hopeless on this planet
That life is gone and I am here instead
Well that’s what they said


I believe in all the stories
Stories that we all should know
I think it’s true about the killing
I think that we are all to blame

And I’m ashamed of all my freedom
Of everything that goes to waste
Because here with me it’s useless
Because here it stays inside


And if you turn towards the steeple
Well that’s just one of many lies
It’s the opiate they tell me
It’s their opiates that cloud our minds
I think I’ll go hide


And now do you hate me

Say it’s ohhhhh…

(fast instrumentals)

I’m not worth it
(I don’t deserve it)
I’m not worth it
(Don’t even use it)
I’m not worth it
(I don’t deserve it)
I’m not worth it
(Not better for it)
I’m not worth it
(I don’t deserve it)
I’m not worth it
(Don’t even use it)
Etc.



There you have it, and thanks for the crit.

-Sword

[ShakeyAir]

I have heard in certain corners
Corners I have never been
That all the world is in wreckage
That all the songs are now dead

**Seems like it should be 'Corners I've never been' and 'That all the songs are dead'

I have seen in blurry pictures
Pictures that I never took
Children crying for their mothers
Children lost now since their birth

**Seems like that last line should be 'Children lost since their birth.'

And I am told by all the people
By all the books I ever read
That life is hopeless on this planet
That life is gone and I am here instead
Well that’s what they said

**The repetition of 'That life' is bleah. Maybe have the second be 'That it.'

I believe in all the stories
Stories that we all should know
I think it’s true about the killing
I think that we are all to blame

**Hold up, who got killed?

And I’m ashamed of all my freedom
Of everything that goes to waste
Because here with me it’s useless
Because here it stays inside

**inside somehow doesn't seem to end the verse. Maybe 'inside me.'

And if you turn towards the steeple
Well that’s just one of many lies
It’s the opiate they tell me
It’s their opiates that cloud our minds
I think I’ll go hide

**That whole opiate thing has been too overdone. Maybe choose another painkiller?

And now do you hate me

**Hold up, what?

Say it’s ohhhhh…

(fast instrumentals)

I’m not worth it
(I don’t deserve it)
I’m not worth it
(Don’t even use it)
I’m not worth it
(I don’t deserve it)
I’m not worth it
(Not better for it)
I’m not worth it
(I don’t deserve it)
I’m not worth it
(Don’t even use it)
Etc.

**Etc? Don't sing this more than its alrady there. It's cool for a while but man it would get boring if you continued for a while.

There you have it, and thanks for the crit.

-Sword

Why you're welcome. Too tell you the truth, I didn't feel this much, but I don't know why, so I pretty much concentrated on the flow and what I feel would sound better. Crits in quote, of course.

[XemoXmoshXpitX]

It's not completely same-old same-old. The flow was interesting, and not forcing rhymes was helpful. It just not something I could hum to. Not catchy. Nothing inparticular stands out. Try beefing it up. Use sophisticated or mysterious words. The whole general idea isn't bad, but again, it needs some pizzazz. My favorite stanza was:

And if you turn towards the steeple
Well that’s just one of many lies
It’s the opiate they tell me
It’s their opiates that cloud our minds
I think I’ll go hide

Even that is not so flashy, but you could go somewhere with the first line imparticular....I really liked that line. This sounds like a song that could be put to a basic guitar riff, hit the Top 20 for two days, and never be heard again. Just make it a little more juicy.

Could you please crit An Evening of "Amity" that I posted recently?

[TojesDolan]

It kicks off amazingly. Then it slows down... and down... It's not all lost hope.

It has some brief moments of coolness. The "steeple" stanza is good... But overall... The subject is a little boring in the end. I'm sorry for not going too-deep but there's so much work to do. :(

If I can later, I'll make a large one. :D

[ibanezgsr200]

i see what you meant by a "writing Slump" sorry man that sukked

[ibanezgsr200]

but keep trying it gets easier as you go

[Sloth]

wow, first off...Ibanez, you're worthless.. Get the **** outa these forums if you're gonna "crit" like that..


Anyways...Sword..I can't say much more about the piece that's already been said.. It's starts off nicely, but loses momentum. ShakeyAir had some nice suggestions about taking certain words out to ease the read/listen.

I believe in all the stories
Stories that we all should know
I think it’s true about the killing
I think that we are all to blame this stanza threw everything off for me.. I don't see how this connects with the previous verses. It seems like you're taking the idea of stuff you haven't experienced then totally switching the song into a political one.. The following verse has a blatant political message. After that, you say religion is just a painkiller... Switching around like this isn't good...it throws off any feeling or groove the reader has..



And now do you hate me

Say it’s ohhhhh…

(fast instrumentals)

I’m not worth it
(I don’t deserve it) then as far as this goes... you continue with the ADD... this seems completely unrelated.. I can see the feeling and idea of the repeated line connecting to the first 2 verses, but overall, it's very unfocused.. I suppose I'd have to hear how this sounds, but just reading it, it seems painfully overdone..

Overall--not a bad piece..you just need to focus it more..