Reppin' the 'Ville

[HomeCatMickey8]

I've written a good three different lyric compositions for one song that I wrote on guitar. I have combined the three compositions to make one super force. The title of this thread isn't the title of the song, but its all I got right now. Oh, and this "Fortville" is a real place and the "single blow" things really happened. Maybe not as dramatic as I make it, but hey, it's a song. Also, I'm looking for a one sylable name for this "he". I can't really think of anything at the moment.



He’s coming straight outa Fortville
And he won’t stop ‘til he gets what he wants
Or at least a little fun

He’d climb all the mountains and
think back to when he was growing up
When he was pretty young

His world was destroyed in a single blow
From nearby cities and suburban homes
He wanted to leave, but had nowhere to go
So he kept his cool as long as he could

With no soul, and little heart,
he quit his goals, and saw no point.
And started to fall apart.

With too many thoughts, and so much doubt,
he shattered dreams, and left his town.
confused what life’s about.

So he quit everything,
And threw out all his faith.
And he just went with the flow.

[Muse_]

We'll start with what I like:
"With no soul and little heart." A very nice line.

Hmm, this is a very flacid piece for lack of better word. It wasn't deep or explanatory. It didn't move me, make me think, or inform me about any particular subject.
It seems like it will make a run of the mill country song when put to music. Perhaps you should concentrate on an amazing solo or melody to make it better as a whole...because the lyrics aren't really good or bad...they're just there.

Pointers:
Don't feel like you have to rhyme.
The lyrics sort of come to a dead stop, maybe restate a phrase or something. Its rather jarring to be left with. "And he just went with the flow."
Not a bad effort.

[Sloth]

There's no chorus?

Muse put it well when he said that they're nothing amazing, they're just there.. There isn't much detail here either.. You say this guy's world was taken down by "a single blow" and he's devistated.. you don't even say what happens.

With no soul, and little heart,
he quit his goals, and saw no point.
And started to fall apart.

With too many thoughts, and so much doubt,
he shattered dreams, and left his town.
confused what life’s about. the two middle lines are too similar..
And also, like Muse said, the piece just ends abruptly .. It's almost uncomfortable to end there. So instead of focusing on the place or event and saying "something happened, now he's broken spirited" focus on the meaning in the song.. throw some more catchy lines in there like "With no soul and little heart."

Overall--It's not bad..but it's not really good... I'm numb.. Just keep writing and try to expand your style and push yourself as a writer..

[HomeCatMickey8]

I usually do write songs with catchy melodies and what not because I'm not the greatest lyricist. But in today's pop music the lyrics are usually the only thing people focus on, so I like to be a "rebel" and put 95% of my work into the actual music part of it. I also have ideas of not using lyrics at all. Or only like a few lines... like Christy Front Drive or something like that.

Sloth: I'm thinking about taking the "With too many thoughts" stanza out. And yes there is no chorus (unless you count the last stanza a chorus because it is repeated). In fact, all 4 songs that I've written are chorusless.
With the whole hook thing... the "straight outa Fortville" would be a hook within the rap community (NWA if you didn't catch it) or people that live in F-town.