Another Nameless Love Song

[factor46]

Dun dun dun...

Another love song.
Sorry if you don't like these. But I gotta throw them in here every once in awhile. I just like writing them. :D

Please crit. This one's nameless.
For now..




And we were sitting under those same blue skies,
My arms around you like today was our last,
I remember.
Still your eyes sit in mine,
Still, you have a place in my heart tonight.
And I’ve always told you I loved you,
And I’ve never lied when I said it.
So lets return to that place we used to sit,
Under those blue skies, until the sunset arrives.
Watching, beyond the ocean, beyond the waves, as the sun disappears.
And I’ll hold you once again,
Forever if you wish. (Trust me, it’d be simple)
Still you’re more than beautiful,
Still, you’ll always be in my heart.
And I love you more than ever now,
And I’m not lying as I say it.

[Sloth]

first off, thanks for the crit :thumb:


And we were sitting under those same blue skies,
My arms around you like today was our last,
I remember. urgh, this reminds me of Sarah...THANKS A LOT JERK! haha.. I think that "those same..." really adds to the idea...instead of just saying "sitting beneath the sky."


Still your eyes sit in mine,
Still, you have a place in my heart tonight.
And I’ve always told you I loved you,
And I’ve never lied when I said it. meh... the only way I can appreciate this for more than the common love stuff is by looking at "key" words in it.. such as "sit" in the first line.. Especially "tonight" in the 2nd, it implies that it's not an unconditional love.. But I know what you are saying..


So lets return to that place we used to sit,
Under those blue skies, until the sunset arrives.
Watching, beyond the ocean, beyond the waves, as the sun disappears.
And I’ll hold you once again,
Forever if you wish. (Trust me, it’d be simple) nice imagery.. I usually tend to like anything involving the ocean.. The parens is the best part here...It implies a very loving feeling..


Still you’re more than beautiful,
Still, you’ll always be in my heart.
And I love you more than ever now,
And I’m not lying as I say it. It gets your point across..

Overall- This is mainly a piece that you'd give your girlfriend,fiance, etc.. and simply a love poem...but when looked at as a serious piece of writing, it's nothing amaziing.. If you were someone else, I'd tell you to venture into other ideas, but it's YOU and I know your writing style...so I don't have to tell you that... Nice job, I hope your girl (if you have on ;-) ) likes it... cheers :chug:

[factor46]

I do have one. And she happened to love it. According to her. lol. Thanks for the crit man. :D

[TojesDolan]

Ha, that's gotta be it. Usually girls love this mushy crap.

Not that I imply this is crap. It's beautiful. I'd have given you a piece of *** already If I knew you in person and you gave me this. :lol:

Still your eyes sit in mine,
Still, you have a place in my heart tonight.

This was weird...Either it stops the flow or I think the idea isn't that round... I'm not to fond if this part.

And I love you more than ever now,
And I’m not lying as I say it.

I don't know about this one either... The repetition again... It breaks it. think of something to word it. Just Don't bring the Thesaurus. Girls don't think wide vocabulary is sexy. At least not the ones I know. Cheers man, great job, for a pop song/love poem. Take care and get us some of your deeper stuff. :thumb:

[ibanezgsr200]

i cant stand reading just poetry i need melodies because you never can really catch how they are going to sing it it is so annoying it sounds good from what i can tell