Laguna Beach Destroyed My Life...

[livinginherletters4001]

I felt inspired to write this song after I left the loves of my life in Japan...

Somoyua

1st Verse

May travel mercys be with me
As I leave this place, you and I built
To enter grounds of broken crowns
How I wish you could come
But you have to stay, and watch over our home

And the days get harder to bair
Miss runing my fingers threw your hair
I'd sleep better if these sheets hugged me like you did

Chorus

Hope all is well, words from my hearts lonely tale
Please stay safe and write me back, continues to end my paragraphs
If only I could write what my heart really say
We'd get married and move away, grow old and watch our children play

2nd Verse

And the years get harder to bair
My mono tone voice breathes lousy words
Tears fell and there's no one there to catch them
Not such words that could save our broken hearts
Then at the last second you bend down and catch my tears from hitting the ground

Final Bow

May travle mercys be with me
As I leave this place, you and I built
Take you love with me
It will guide my plane over the ocean's frame

So I can get to the other side
And write you about what it feels like <-------------------(This part is sang over the first verse of the final bow)
Tell you how lonely it can be
With out your sweet sent and body next to me

Yet we have hope, we have tears, we have souls, we have hearts
To love so dearly <--------------(This part is sang over the secound verse in the final bow)
To love you unconditionaly
Pretty sure you know this
Pretty sure you can feel it <--------------(This part is sang over the last line)
Pretty sure you feel the same way

But I trust God will bring you back to me

[livinginherletters4001]

What does it take for people to look at this and give some crit?

[TheycallmeFuzzy]

very good imagery, work on your rhyming. i give it an A

~Fuzzy

[panthersfan16]

Well, I liked it, but the imagery was a bit below average. However, this kind of reminds me of a Vermilion Pt. 2 song. If you could sing it with some real emotion, I'm sure this song would be very good. This song starts strong and then gets weak, but builds back up in the end, to give it a pretty strong finish. If you sing it with the right emotion, you can get away with it, but lyrics alone, it needs some tweaking.

[livinginherletters4001]

Thanks for the crit it's helpful...anyone else plz?

[RyMac59]

monotone is one word i believe

Some parts are nice and descriptive, while tohers seem cut and dry. Try adding details, such as the last part of the song, so it seems more alive.

return the crit
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=391314

[TojesDolan]

Patience is the key of improval. Always remember that while being here in S&L.

May travel mercies be with me,
As I leave this place you and I built,
To enter grounds of broken crowns,
How I wish you could come,
But you have to stay, and watch over our home.

And the days get harder to bear,
I miss running my fingers through your hair
I'd sleep better if these sheets held me like you did


mmm... I like this part. It flows rather naturally, it makes a point. A man leaving his home in search for... luck? war?... I don't know, I should keep reading. the vocabulary is simple, but does the trick.
The second stanza has a slight grammar issue (the verb is "bear" like the animal) TH e second line could use an I at the beginning, and the last line... I don't know. maybe "held me" instead of "hugged me" but that's just my opinion.

Hope all is well, words from my heart's lonely tale
Please stay safe and write me back, continues to end my paragraphs
If only I could write what my heart really says
We'd get married and move away, grow old and watch our children play

Ah... a little cliché the growing old together... It could be worded differently... Like using a metaphore with flowers, or maybe trees, try not to be straightforward.

The years get harder to bear,
My monotone voice breathes lousy words,
Tears fell and there's no one there to catch them,
Not such words that could save our broken hearts,
Then at the last second you bend down and catch my tears from hitting the ground


Cut out the "and" of the first line. Again, the cliché here is... I don't know about it, the idea is solid, catching eachother's tears is kinda cool, but I've read it somewhere before.

May travel mercies be with me
As I leave this place, you and I built
Take you love with me
It will guide my plane over the ocean's frame

So I can get to the other side
And write you about what it feels like
Tell you how lonely it can be
With out your sweet scent and body next to me

Ah... it's alright. Cliché, but it's OK for the quality so far.

Yet we have hope, we have tears, we have souls, we have hearts
To love so dearly
To love you unconditionaly
Pretty sure you know this
Pretty sure you can feel it
Pretty sure you feel the same way

mmm... A lot of repetition. I don't know. I didn't like this part. Overall, the poem is alright, cliché as a lot of things atre, but you gave it a little touch I hadn't seen in other cliché songs. THe idea of the travel is alright, but well... Develop it. :)

[livinginherletters4001]

Thanks to everyone who gave my song some well thought crit. Yet I'd still like some more...anyone?

[livinginherletters4001]

I'm thinking about doing a show with this song at my local coffee house, is it ready? Can a get some more crit plz!